Sometimes I think of things that I would want to say in conversations that I know would never happen. Like...by random occurrance, what if I ran into such and such person again? What would happen? What would I say? In some cases are there words that I could wield harshly enough that it hurts that person as much as they made me feel?

Part of me says that I shouldn't want that last thing, but I think of things anyway.

I'll cycle through people - former friends who dropped me because of fandom bullshit, a grad student in the cohort below me who lied to me, people who have hurt those I care deeply about, the ex-

It is the last one I hate the most, truly. How many years has it fucking been and it will be random moments where he shows up in my thoughts and I have these imaginary conversations. It doesn't really happen /often/ (honestly it probably seems often given I usually come to complain but it is infrequent) but I hate myself and him so much more when it does.

Sometimes it just happens because I am in my own head and he just decided to be the subject of my current weird thought experiment. It is stupid.

I mean, I know the reality is that nothing I said or could say in these hypotheticals would ever hurt him the way I'd really want to. But in my head, when I am frustrated, it is nice to think that there was some part of him that would care enough to be sad when faced with my vitriol.

In that way he isn't unique, I suppose. I guess that brings me some comfort. I shouldn't want to hurt people but there are those parts of me that still hurt when these things come into my head. And because I cannot feel better I just want to unleash it somehow in my imagination.

This is what happens when I decide to not work or play a game or some shit and my mind just wanders and races to corners I would rather have cobwebs growing on.