So it was decided that we should try to stop talking to each other. And while I know this is best in my head, I still feel like I'm going to throw up and I just want to punch all the walls in my room.
Despite what he says, I feel like this is it. I don't trust a word he says, because I did once before, and I ended up getting dumped, and spent at least a month in shock because it came as such a surprise to me. I cannot and will not unconditionally trust him again anytime soon, if at all. When I told him that I decided to protect myself with a more pessimistic mindset about all of this (I don't remember my exact words) he sort of chuckled and remarked that doing that is very...me. In character.
I understand that those conversations suck, but I still hate feeling like I'm being a huge bother, and despite him saying that I was not inconveniencing him, he just seemed very impatient. So much so that I ended up making a decision tonight so as to not cause him further trouble with another conversation two days from now. Whether or not that was the right thing to do, I really do not know. But...if this makes sense, I became frustrated with his frustration, and sort of just decided that it would probably be better to not delay this anymore.
Truthfully, I don't want to do this. I really do not. But at the same time, my ideal alternative is the resurrection of what we used to have, which is impossible, at least at this moment in time and perhaps forever. This friendship thing right now feels like a shell of what we were and how close we used to be. A fear of mine is that it will always feel like that. That for him, it will be sufficient, but for me, it never will be. Because under those circumstances, I'm always going to feel sad.
My dad once told me that he believed that I will only really get over him - or over him as much as I could - when I find someone else. He said he hated saying that, but the rate I was going, it made sense. And unfortunately, it still does make sense. Problem is that I both want to and not want to find someone else. And I refuse to settle for someone who did not make me feel as strongly as he did. I just do not know if that is possible at the moment.
Once, I said that I did not want someone taking my place. I did not want him to feel stronger towards someone than he does/did towards me. That is still true, unfortunately. That is selfish of me. I'm completely aware of how awful that must make me seem, but it is the truth.
I just miss what we were. I wish I could go back in time. I want those feelings I had a year ago back. But I know I'm never going to be able to have them back. I hate facing that reality. I like those dreams where we're together and happy and everything is okay. I love those.
I hate this. I hate that I still want to be with him. I hate that I still love him. I hate that I miss him as terribly as I do. I hate that it came to this, and that all I thought was going to happen when we were together was a stupid fantasy.
I feel like I'm going to throw up.
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