This entry will have nothing to do with the election and is a return to my thoughts on him and I and our relationship, which I'm sure is getting annoying. However - probably due to this post-election high and an entire night with friends - I'm actually in an oddly peaceful and...almost optimistic mindset. So, I want to write down these thoughts now so I can return to them in the future when I'm feeling unbelievably sad and lonely. Maybe I can calm and comfort my future self at some points.
So, future self, I really do hope these thoughts serve to help you feel better about this situation. Because I do not want you to be sad.
Although no contact is not something I have wanted to do and is something I wished to avoid, it is probably best for multiple reasons. Especially to get back on my own two feet. No contact will probably not make me stop thinking of him, and I cannot imagine it will make me stop missing him, but it might make things at least a little easier.
I think I wanted to avoid no contact because more than anything I wanted to bring the romantic relationship we had back to life. But no matter what, that relationship is gone. There is no returning to it, no matter what happens in the future. Even if we end up trying again at some point in later years and have the future I previously wanted - which is not something that is necessarily going to happen or anything like that - it still doesn't mean that our old relationship would have been revived. It cannot be resurrected. It would be something new.
And a chance at something new cannot happen unless I truly accept the death of the old.
So, while I'm still mourning the old relationship, there is no hope for the birth of something new. And that new thing doesn't need to be a romantic relationship; a friendship is also something new. And the reason a friendship was feeling hollow was because the memories of the old relationship were still haunting my mind. And they continue to do so. So although no contact sucks, those memories need to stop making me feel so sad all the time.
I'd like to be able to think about the old and smile at the memories, rather than wish they did not happen.
If he and I are truly meant to be together, and are truly meant to have the future I so desperately wanted, then we will find each other again. And I know that is probably a naiive mindset. But I can't help but - right now, anyway - believe in it. I have been told multiple times that "if it is meant to be, it'll be." I have been trying to resurrect something too soon. Rather than accept this mentality, and allowing the pieces to fall as they may, to use a cliché, I just wanted to take the reigns and do the impossible. I wanted to make something happen that wasn't going to happen at that time. And like I said, any chance at something in the future will not be able to occur unless I can walk away from the grave of our previous relationship.
The future is not set in stone; anything is possible. Do not forget that.
We will find each other again, if that is what is meant to happen. I've said this before, but I do not plan and I hope to never settle for anyone who does not make me feel as strongly as he did. And that is not technically waiting for him, or anything. That is just me refusing to settle for second best. Right now, he still has the number one spot in my mind and heart, in terms of that. I become sad about us because of how strongly I feel and felt about him. I become sad because all I wanted was for us to be by each others' sides for longer than we were. That's not exactly a terrible thing, is it?
If someone comes along and knocks him out of that spot he has, then I will try to overcome any fears I have and try something with them.
But if no one comes along, I will not settle for second place. Even if he is not around, or I do not hold the same spot in his mind.
And actually...that is fine.
If we remain number one for each other, then I do certainly hope that our previous breakup will not deter us from trying again at some point. And I know this is the opposite of what I said yesterday, where I felt like going no contact meant losing him forever. But again...I'm in a better place mentally right now than I was yesterday. So it is easier to think these things, which probably make a little more sense and are not as absolute as what I was claiming.
All I need to remember is what I said: if we are meant to be together, then we will find each other in the future.
And while that mentality is hard to hang on to at points, I really need to try and believe it.
Because more than anything, it will make me happier.
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