For some reason my brain decided to give me an ex-related dream recently and it was...strange.  I mean I didn't feel anything other than annoyance when I woke up, which was at least good.  Don't remember exactly what it was about, but I hate the fact that they still happen, even if they are sporadic and rare now. 


I need to get paid I am running very low on money after paying my rent today. 


Lately my brain feels...mushy; I can neither focus nor think about much.  Like my mind is just blank and the times I can think and focus are short and fleeting.  And I have zero drive still to do anything; I know laying around most days is not normal for most people.  Sometimes I trick myself into thinking I'm not depressed anymore because I don't feel that sucking sadness but then I think about the things I do and how I spend many days in bed and that gives me a bit of a wake up call.

My new psychiatrist wants to revisit the bipolar disorder question - she said it would be type II if I did have it, which is depression-based with hypomania episodes where you are super productive.  When I said that this started probably a few years ago - this tendency of mine to sprint through my work in 2 weeks and then have periods of heavy inactivity and depression - she told me that bipolar disorder usually manifests/matures during a person's mid-twenties, so it would fit.  She did not want to rush anything though, so we're meeting again sooner than usual to talk more about things. 

A shallow fear of mine about going to a new medication would be the possibility of further weight gain.  I know these sorts of meds do that, as I've already had to deal with that and it still bothers me.  I think I have plateaued at least by now, but still...it's annoying.  Constantly having to think about getting new clothes and shit is upsetting and I hate it.  Even when I was working out regularly, I felt like nothing showed - I felt stronger and everything and that was nice, but it was frustrating to see little to no change in how I looked. 

Again, I know it is shallow.  I know I should not care because it is gross of me to think that way.  And it wouldn't stop me from trying a mood stabilizer if that was the direction we would go but it is a fear.


I was going to write more but I can't focus which basically has been the story of my goddamn life.