My thoughts recently can only be described as an existential crisis, and, according to my friend, shows that I've swung more heavily back into the low depressive episode than I had thought.  So much so that he said, basically, he would be afraid for me if I went into the next semester with nothing to do, due to my history and my current thought patterns.

Basically, I've been hit really hard with this idea that my life is a boring sludge of an existence, and that I will never have grand adventures, and for some reason lately, it has made me feel...empty.  Originally I typed 'overwhelmingly sad,' but that's not entirely true.  I feel like I have no purpose, and I'm just aimlessly drifting through life with no willpower to do something else because I know deep down I will just end up resenting it, just how I end up either resenting or feeling nothing towards most things I start doing.

I joke that I get so sucked into my video games and books and such and really...it is because that is where adventures happen, and - especially with video games - I actually feel like I do have a purpose, strangely enough.  When I'm playing as Noctis - for example, since I've mostly been in ffxv lately still - I'm a chosen king with a deeper purpose.  It sounds silly, I know.  And I'm not deluding myself; I know I'm not.  I know the characters in these games are not real and I will never have the epic stories that they have and I'm just reduced to mediocrity, but...when I'm playing I get lost in them because it feels nice to have something to fight for, even if it is just a fictional world. 

People look at me funny when I tell them I can and have sat and played games for 10+ hours at a time (on many many occasions), and that to me, it feels like nothing.  I guess to other gamers, that's not entirely abnormal, but for me, it is really just...I get so absorbed that my brain doesn't register how long it has been.  I get swept up in other things too, but for games where I am super invested in the story and the characters...I lose myself, if that makes sense.  I won't eat because I don't think to, and on the off chance I do think 'oh I should probably eat,' I get something that requires no time to prepare and/or eat it super quickly so that I could get back to what I was doing.

But I know that its not me.  I'm not really off on some grand adventure with a higher purpose; I'm just sitting in my room, ignoring the other responsibilities in my life because I can't seem to focus enough on them to get them done. 

Right now, I just feel like...everything snaps back to this feeling of emptiness.  It is the status quo, and knowing and believing that just...makes me suspicious of every single time I'm happy about something.  Because I know it won't last.  I know it is fleeting, and the cost of that happiness will eventually be either debilitating sadness, or just this empty nothingness.  Which is worse?  I don't know, but realizing it is my status quo...it makes me wonder why I stick around.  (So...yeah, I guess friend has every reason to be afraid for me.)  Why stay when nothing can make me happy for long?  Is it fair to force my friends and family to have to deal with my episodes of depression and empty cryptic messages?  If I can't focus on anything, is it fair of me to make them pick me up every few weeks and tell me how much potential I have when I am just going to slink back into the mode where I feel useless and like I'll never have a purpose or be a productive member of society?

Friend told me that I should just try and go on these adventures I want but...weirdly, I don't know how to make that happen.  Like I'm trapped in a box that is suffocating me and I'm not sure how to get out.