It's strange that all of my motivation disappears as soon as I return to Binghamton.

...though that's saying a lot, since I do not have a lot of motivation elsewhere anymore, unless it is in an entirely new spot. I had wanted to see if I could rent a cabin or something in Vermont to try and focus on work and writing but...my financial situation has not been great since I have not been doing anything over the summer.

I was looking up job postings and my...I wouldn't say apathy but something like it, was a bit disconcerting. Like everything I saw I was like "well I can't get that," and moved on. Even for a position that specifically talked about teaching quant methods (which I assume means stats and game theory, both things I am somewhat well versed in), I was like "nope, wouldnt get it."

Maybe it is my mind subtly telling me to go a different route, but where would I go? Nothing excites me. Everything I could do just seems like I would enjoy for a year or two before I would get bored and want to move on. It is tedious. And can I keep up the pace needed for an untenured academic? My track record says no.

Even now my article is awaiting reviewer scores and I am terrified of it coming back as a rejection or seeing feedback that tells me how terrible it is. I need it to get in somewhere if I want to be on the market; I will have no chance otherwise.

At least my mathematica learning is coming along...albeit slowly, because I just am not good with programming. But today I learned about the manipulate command, which should help me in figuring out a solution to this game of mine for the second chapter. I just need to somehow combine it with integral calculations...which I still am not sure how to do.

Luckily I'll be able to put semi proficient in mathematica now on my CV once this is done. And it will be good; I have a feeling I will need this program a lot of I continue down the formal theory path...which is likely.

Unrelated but cruise was nice even though I was feeling emotionally strange the first few days...like I couldn't get into it. I did read and write a lot for fun though (got 5 requests written from tumblr and read an entire trilogy - the Tamir triad, which I highly recommend), so that was nice! I did spend a lot of time not in the sun though; my intolerance of the heat and humidity has skyrocketed, it seems.