After class today, I stayed and had a long chat with my professor, who is also a woman, about what I can do to deal with this whole "being the only girl in my cohort" business.  It was good to talk to her, despite her telling me the realities of being a woman in a male-dominated field, but she sympathized and said that from now on she would try to help me and be more attentive to the guys talking over me or ignoring my points or presenting them as their own (which they do sometimes do and it is annoying).

I think she is aware of the toll it is having on me though, because she said that it really was terrible for me to have that environment as my entire grad school experience, pretty much.  That it shouldn't be like that, and she has no idea what happened when my cohort was admitted.  She also seemed very determined to get me to pick a topic that "actually interests" me for my paper.  So I wonder if it is more obvious than I seem to think it is how listless and uninterested in everything I really am.

On some level, I tried to convey my frustrations to her, but I still didn't want to delve into everything because that is getting into some deeper shit that my professors don't exactly need to hear.  Nor do they want to, I imagine.  That nothing is interesting, that I am so fed up with my cohort and dealing with male egos and shit; I even live with three guys and despite them being friends of mine, I often just want to be left alone just so I could escape dudes.  Which is weird for me, because I've always been more prone to being friends with guys and all, due to my interests.  But I guess this is a different sort of environment, and having to deal with it for almost two years now has kind of been chipping away at me slowly.  Which is, of course, wonderful when it is piled on top of all the other shit I have going on in my head.

(Though as I was leaving today I saw a guy with a 4 month old pug puppy and so I played with that adorable mushball for a few minutes and that took my mind off some stuff for a bit.  And then I took Callie and Murray to play with Lewis, which also was nice.)

And then, the rest of the day, I sat on the couch and mindlessly played D3.  Because even though I have so many papers and things to do, I was too mentally exhausted and lethargic and listless that doing anything that required any bit of thought was just too fucking much.  Honestly, I'm surprised I was able to make dinner, which consisted of two grilled cheese sandwiches and m&ms because I am an adult.  Though it probably wasn't good that that was all I ate today.  I was shaking a bit when I was making it, probably just from not eating a meal for over 24 hours, now that I am thinking about it.  Oh well.

I really am back to not caring about if I eat.  In fact, a voice in my head has been telling me to eat less because then I'll just get smaller and smaller until I disappear and then everything will be okay and I won't have to be sad or empty anymore.


...What is wrong with me.