Although I adore my headphones, I kind of want newer ones that are higher quality and everything.  Bad thing is that I keep looking at ones that are like...around $200 and I just do not have that money lying around for me to spend on headphones, especially when the ones I have right now work just fine.  Maybe I'll hold off until these break or until next Christmas or my birthday or something like that.

When I was in the office before, I got one of the third years to help me with ggplot in R; we were having a really difficult time trying to get the legend to show up on the graph.  We couldn't figure it out before he went to class, so he had me send my code to him, and he worked on it and sent back another code, which I still need to put into my console and see how it does, but it is awesome that he might have figured it out (and he was so determined to when he left for class, aha).


I was talking to Nancy about my lack of motivation and my mental exhaustion.  How I feel trapped here in Binghamton, and still feel so disconnected from everyone and everything, and how I really don't have anyone here outside of my roommates, which gets very...eh.  She told me about some things that I can maybe get involved in to try and meet more friends and more people outside the department, and I said that my problem is really about expending the effort to go out and make new friends, especially since I am so convinced that everyone is out for themselves, no matter what.  Even if I become friends with someone else, they will probably do something hurtful and leave because why wouldn't they?  It isn't like I matter much, really, and I'm sure whatever they want gives more to them than anything I could.

During these times I really find myself thinking about the past and the ex, and missing that terribly.  Though Nancy brought up that maybe it isn't my missing that connection with him specifically, but it is more that I just miss that connection in general.  Which is probably true, though it doesn't mean I don't miss him more than I should and all.  But...I do miss just having someone to cuddle with all day, to watch movies with, to tell everything to, to play games with, to cook mac and cheese at midnight and pasta in the evenings and cookies during the day...to just have someone I am completely comfortable with.  And ex was that person.  So missing the connection and missing him are sometimes indistinguishable for me, honestly.

(Also, very tmi, but it sucks a lot when you really want physical intimacy, but you also know that physical stuff really doesn't do anything for you without the emotional component.  All it does is depress you more.  And make you wish that you could just go out and find a random person to bang and then kick out the door in the morning.  But that wouldn't work for me at all.  It would just make me more frustrated.)

I'm really sleepy.  Maybe I should go for a walk or something.


...Roommate that was thinking about leaving program came in and told me how he had this revelation (or revitalization is the better word) that academia is awesome and where he wants to be and that everything is good and while I was telling him that that is great and everything, I kind of wanted him to stop talking because I am in the complete opposite mood.