When it comes to administrative stuff, I am a huge derp and need so much direction on what to do and how to go about doing it. Obtaining funding for conferences was never explained and so I just kind of assumed that it was going to fall into my lap or something (stupid assumption, I know). Thus, when roommate told me that because we didn't book flights through some organization, we won't be reimbursed for that, I kind of panicked. But, I do have a different source of funding from others, which gives me more than the graduate school. So, I emailed the previous winner of the fellowship I have, who is a fifth (fourth?) year. And she was really helpful, so I...think I know what to do now. Knowing me, I'll probably screw it up royally somehow.
I have this weird mixture of feelings today. The high that I brought back with me from Ursinus is still around, but being back in Binghamton has sucked some of that away, especially considering everything I need to do that I do not want to do whatsoever. Plus, I suppose due to many conversations over the weekend (all of which were very therapeutic for me, as I think I said), thoughts about the ex have been preoccupying my mind more than they have in a few weeks now. It isn't making me...sad, really. I'm just thinking. Thinking about how, honestly, disappointed I am in him and in the person he turned out to be. I once thought that he had the potential to be a good person, and I held onto that hope for a long time. But given the things that I know, I really just...don't think that that is possible for him without some break that causes him to reevaluate everything. I want to say I don't care, but that would be partially a lie. I do. Not only because this attributes to my increased cynicism, but also because...I don't know. There is some personal aspect as well that I can't really describe in words. Or maybe I just do not want to.
Yesterday night, I was explaining things to a friend of mine, and at one point, I just said that I wish he had just let me help him when we were together. It was an exasperated declaration. Why he didn't talk to me more, I don't know. I thought I had established my dedication to our relationship and that I wanted to help because of my love for him and everything. But he didn't really want my help. And he didn't want to do anything to help our relationship, which is why we crumbled. Our relationship no longer made him happy, apparently, but I can't imagine that his general level of happiness has changed much. And it no longer made him happy, why? Because of exogenous factors that were outside our control? Probably. He now claims that he no longer loved me (a remark that, when I mentioned it to his frat brothers, was met with skeptical and baffled expressions), and that may be true. But it might also not be. He fought so hard to keep me in his life and he told me he still loved me after we broke up, and then constantly told me how much he missed me. Maybe I just don't want the "I was no longer in love" explanation to be true, and so I am creating my own reality, but it doesn't make much sense to me.
It was also mentioned to me over the weekend that people who did not even really know us could easily recognize the discrepancy between what he and I each did to work on our relationship. That someone who was going through hard times with his partner did not want to be like the ex, because it was so obvious that things were one-sided. That instead of working on our relationship with me, he just played games and ignored it. He claims that isn't the case...that he did really try, but I still have my doubts about that. How could I believe that he tried when he spent so much time ignoring me? I couldn't save our relationship by myself. If he really was trying, then he could not save it by himself either. And maybe he just realized that our relationship wasn't as easy anymore. And that isn't to say that we fought a lot or anything. We didn't. We rarely did, honestly. We did a lot of fun things and I thought he liked doing them with me (at least before he just started diving completely into fighting games). Which is again, why his decision was so sudden to me and apparently to everyone else. But the honeymoon seemed to be over. It is a natural progression in all relationships I have seen. And because it was no longer very easy, he just let it crumble with no attempt to keep it from doing so. Maybe it was harder because grad school pressures were coming up. Maybe it was harder because of pressures from his family. Maybe it was harder because I was no longer on campus. And maybe it was just harder because of our individual depressions (which I was still in constant denial about, and so I turned all my attention on him in order to turn away from my own personal problems). Probably, all of these things had an effect. But those exogenous factors were attributed to our relationship, which was really unfair.
Then, instead of doing what he said he was going to do after breaking up with me - which was focus on himself and be truly single and alone to work on his own issues - he proceeded to hurt more people who cared about him, for no reason. He continued to string me along, and then wondered why I wasn't over him before the year ended. He lied to me and to the others who loved him, to save himself. While he maintains that he had no emotional connection and everything during the time after our breakup, I know that that is not true. Or, if it is, then he blatantly lied to someone who was too good for his time. He either lied to her or to me. Most likely, he lied to both of us.
I had hoped, at the very least, that he would at least have learned and grown from our experience. But, from things I have been told and things I have seen...he has gone backwards. Which is disappointing, but unsurprising.
Maybe I'll talk more about this later or something. It is really prevalent on my mind today.
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