Photos

So I decided I wanted to try something.  

I sometimes do not realize what my resting face looks like.  How I just look when I'm just sitting around.

So I tried my best to just not pose for these, and just look the way I normally do.

Experiences and grad school have made my resting face look really tired.  And sad.  Now I understand why people sometimes will come up to me and ask me how I'm doing because I "look so exhausted" all the time.  And why some of my professors, when I mention a personal issue, sometimes seem really bent on helping as best they can.

Or maybe this is just how my resting face has always looked.  I don't know.  I know people used to think I was angry when I was just sitting around, so I guess it has gotten less intense or something.  Or maybe I'm just overthinking things, how I normally do.

Even my mom, when I was on the phone with her yesterday, claimed that I have gotten shyer as I've gotten older.  I just agreed with her, but I really wanted to correct her.  Shyness, yes...more introversion.  Also, that introversion is probably a result of increased cynicism and distrust in everyone around me.  Yet even with that distrust, there is a loneliness that I cannot shake, and no relationship in my life right now has been able to alleviate that, because I am so disconnected from everyone and feel little spark even with my closest friends.  Which is maybe why my mind still returns sometimes to my strongest connection with another person, even though I often wish I never had that.  That I haven't just gotten shyer in general; there are reasons behind that.  Plus, the accumulation of many many years of perfectionism make it difficult for me to do something I don't think I'll be good at.  But that was always kind of true, I guess.  More so now than it used to be, I guess.   

Saying I've gotten shyer is kind of...mischaracterizing the extent of how much my outlook has changed.