In class and I just had a decent conversation with the professor I usually don't like.  It was actually kind of nice and everything...though it was mostly joking about past terrible experiences and my expectations of the first years for their methods sessions.

But it was actually not too bad.


Since we are still not talking about anything of value (just kind of talking about administrative things), I guess I can go through some stuff.

Yesterday with Nancy and today with my doctor I talked about how having friend here for a few days was awesome but now I am sad that she is gone and I'm back to the everyday routine of Binghamton and all.  I mentioned how I am just uncomfortable around people, even if they are my friends and roommates and everything, and both described this sort of disconnectedness as linked with some of my work and the academic environment.  I'm becoming more and more disillusioned, almost, if that is the word.  The idea of not being allowed (or it being frowned upon) to really publish outside my subfield is really discouraging to me for various reasons.  I often find that I would like to focus on different topics simply out of boredom.  That has been a reality all my life.  "Oh I'm getting really good at this video game?  Great, but now I'm bored with it."  "Soccer season ends in October, which is good because by mid-September I'm bored with it."  So that has deterred me at times from specializing or anything.

But it was a bit encouraging to hear from both of them that I should forge my own path, and that different people build success in different ways.  That just because people who have already gone through grad school and everything say to do something one way doesn't mean I should automatically replicate their strategies.  That helped, actually.

I went into academia not only because I love learning and all, but because I thought that it would be the safest place for self-expression, in terms of everything.  Maybe that was a naive assumption on my part, but the idea of being in the professional sphere makes my stomach churn.  My fear is that the academic world isn't as distinct from the professional world as I originally believed.

...Okay, talking about actual stuff now.  More on this later.  For now though, have a class selfie: