Machine

OH MY GOD I can't focus.

I probably should go to bed or something.  But I wanted to write some of this paper so that I'm not rushing to finish it tomorrow so that I can get down to UC before too late o'clock.  But I really really can't focus for shit right now.  I keep going back to tumblr and hoping my dash has more shit to distract me.

Luckily, I...think I know where I want to go with this.  It is more a matter of just writing it down.  Truthfully I'm not sure if what I want to argue makes sense, since the topic is really heavily focused on elections to the European Parliament, and that is outside my normal areas.

Though I am 99% sure that grad school has at least enhanced my bullshitting ability.  I'm pretty sure I have said that before, but I will reiterate it because I really do think it is true.

I just don't want to write it right now but I doubt I'll want to write it tomorrow either so I should try to do some of it now because there is no way any of it is getting done once I leave for PA.


One of my roommates mentioned that if I tried to take a leave of absence next semester, I would miss the Maximum Likelihood class, which is super fucking important.  I was only really thinking about the Comprehensive Exam, and I forgot about that, but shit...that might be more important.  I need to know more statistical models than just OLS and logit/probit.  Though my affinity for interaction models is pretty unique, apparently.

But yeah...that kind of sucked to hear.  I might be able to swing a leave of absence after next semester, but shit...next semester is when I feel as though I would need it.

I'm trying to remember what Nancy said to me: "Your life is not a schedule."

It is hard...since she is the only one who says that.  Everyone else reminds me of the clock that is ticking and the lack of stuff I have produced and what I need to get done and when.  If she hadn't said that, I probably would have hesitated more about going down tomorrow.  But she told me that my life is more important than my work.  And that if I get things in late...it didn't matter.  Because I did something for myself, and not for work.  Not for school.  Not for others.

Lately, I do feel like she is one of the few people who see me as a human being, and not a robot which is expected to crank out work and never do anything else.  And I'm including myself, since I just...think of myself as a machine that is malfunctioning.  I am supposed to do this and that; everyone likes to remind me.  I'm supposed to not have a balanced life (not that I ever really did...).  I'm supposed to spend my weekends working.  All of them.  I'm supposed to go into debt going to conferences and the like.  I'm supposed to live and breathe graduate school.

My many many many years of dedication to work has turned on me, in a way.  Perhaps all those years have exhausted me.  I've been described as a person who was "too quick to grow up," and I really do think that is true.  I spent no time, really, doing anything majorly fun.  I went to another continent, which was awesome, but I spent my time there doing work and auditing a class from UC through Skype, when I should/could have been exploring London more.  I've gone on family vacations, which are always awesome, but they last a week at best usually.  Otakon?  Four days.  Concerts last one night, for the most part.

I have never deviated from the schedule.  From what I am supposed to be doing.

But I am so fucking tired.  I don't want to be.  I just am.

It doesn't help that when I really was trying harder (though to be fair...I do honestly think what I have done lately is the best I can do at the moment, due to bad thoughts and mental exhaustion), I was constantly reminded that it wasn't enough.  Nothing was ever enough.  There was always more.  There is always more.  There is always more and you are a failure if you are not trying to do more.

And so I have come to almost accept myself as a failure.

I stare at my professors with vacant expressions and dulled eyes now.  Because I know that nothing I do will be good enough.  Nothing I do will be enough.

Those thoughts mix with other areas of my life.  Nothing I did was enough to save my ex's love for me.  He just stopped most likely because I suck at everything and there are way more interesting people than me.  That's why he was able to get with others so quickly.  I am a shit friend who can't even come up with the courage to talk to people about this.  I don't want to.  I don't want help.  I am weak, but do not want to be perceived as weak.  I don't even have other talents that people can claim and love.  Hell, even things I once had passions for have become dulled and gray.

Concerts have been my release, and I haven't been able to go to one since November.  Luckily, World/Inferno is playing in Brooklyn on the 19th, so I am planning on swinging by there.

I am hoping that tomorrow I can just...have fun.  I want to not think about the work I am blowing off, and not think about all the crap I need to do but don't care about doing.  I just want to go and hang out with friends and maybe dance and party or whatever people want to do.  I'll try my best to stay away from alcohol only because my meds and it don't mesh well (the new stuff plus a lot of alcohol might cause a seizure so yay), and because no matter what situation I'm in, sad feels dominate when I get drunk.  But that means if other people want to drink and eventually want to go anywhere, I shall be designated driver!  I used to hate that, but now I really don't mind at all.  Actually, I kind of like it.  It makes me feel useful since I've abstained from alcohol (with some exceptions) for over a year.

...Wow this is longer than I meant it to be.

I really just want to leave this place for a bit.

I want to remind myself that I am not a machine, no matter what people say.  No matter how I see myself.  I want to fight that...even if it is really goddamn difficult.