Roommate told me that a professor commented on how frazzled I apparently have looked when he was in the office today.  Then, when roommate conveyed to him all the shit that I have to do and everything, he apparently smiled and said, "that's grad school."

And that reaction from all the professors is a reason why a) I don't talk about this to professors, and b) I'm even more fucked up than otherwise.

And that reaction is a reason why the idea of asking for a medical leave of absence is actually horrifying.  Because I'm supposed to be able to do this.  My misery is accepted and laughed about, like it is not as big of a deal as it should be.  The idea of graduate students with depression or anxiety is accepted, instead of recognized as issues that should be addressed.  If I went in and expressed everything that goes on in my head to my professors, they would probably shrug and say that this is what I signed on for.  That this is just how it is and that everyone is suffering and that it sucks but it is necessary.

To me, that shouldn't be the reaction, but...I know it is.  Which is why I just tell them I'm doing okay or that I'm "just tired" when they ask me how I'm doing.


I started reading something for Monday and I fell asleep with my laptop open and while still sitting up.  Great.