Broken Pieces

"You are too good for me."

"Because of you, I want to be a better person."

These two sentiments have been said to me a few times, and while I know that people mean well when they say them, they have become words that sting.  I know that people are basically telling me that I am, to them, a good person.  That in watching me, they have seen problems in how they have acted towards others or just in general, and they want to change their habits and make an effort to be a better human being.

However, these things are said to me - most of the time - after I have been hurt.  After I have been betrayed.  After I had put my trust in them and was taken advantage of.  My being crushed and sad and hurt is what made these people want to change.  At least, that is always how it seems to me.

If they follow through on those sentiments, and actually try to be better in their words and actions...it is almost as if they are taking a piece away from me.  I used to be - while still having many issues I should have addressed much earlier - more trusting, more determined, and more optimistic.  I used to see the good in people, even when others only saw bad.  With ex, I saw a person who was wonderful, just really hurt.  He was sad, but that sad didn't make him a terrible person.  It didn't make me love him any less, and it didn't make me want to leave, which was contrary to his past experiences (so he said).  Because I only saw what made him shine in my eyes.  Those dark things...they didn't matter.  I just did what I could to try and show him that.  But none of it worked.  And that trust was taken advantage of.  With friend-guy, I saw someone who was fun, while others saw someone who was arrogant.  That arrogance that I knew was self-doubt and a sense of inferiority.  And as I opened up, I saw more and more of his good side.  And then he too, hurt me terribly.  Despite that I do still talk to him, I am still upset.  Because I saw something good, and that is not what happened in reality.

Really, those are the two big examples I can think of.  There are more, but those two had the largest impacts on me in the relatively recent past.

Them saying that because of the experiences they had with me makes them want to be a better person is...not as comforting to me as I think they think (or thought) it is.  Because them having to realize they should be a better person involved hurting me.  It involved crushing a piece of me, and maybe that defeat of a person who put her trust in them is what set them on this supposed new course.  I don't know.  But if they have become better people, it is at the expense of me.  As they become better, I become less trusting.  I become bitter and angry.  I become more hurt and more depressed, trapped in my own head filled with memories of lies and deceit, and a voice telling me that I should have protected myself.  If I was a stronger person, yes, maybe that wouldn't affect me so much.  But I am not, sadly.

Their interactions with me caused them to want to be better.  My interactions with them caused me to be more cynical.