Listless and unmotivated doesn't even begin to describe how I've been, which I know I have expressed more than a few times throughout my career, but especially during the past two months.
Instead of doing my work I sit around on the internet and dick around. I play D3 as a way to escape my responsibilities and my feelings (/lack thereof) and just focus on destroying things and use it in lieu of actual socialization and interaction.
Even with papers and readings piling up, I do not seek to complete things as diligently as I once did, both due to my mental state and my lack of interest in anything. The idea of doing a group project stressed me out so much I had to briefly leave the meeting we were having (but then when things were split into sub-groups, I was able to snag the editing role that only one person needed to do).
It was suggested that I take a few hours a week to go somewhere not in Binghamton, because I feel so stuck here. So trapped, unable to escape. I know I stay by choice, in a weird sick way. I can't think of what else to do with my life or where else to go, despite being so unhappy with practically everything in my life with the exception of my dog.
Part of me sometimes wishes that I did not rush immediately into grad school. That I'm wasting my twenties working endlessly, with no break in sight. Classes, articles, dissertation, assistant professorship, tenure track...there is no period in time I can just stop and do something for myself for a year or so...
I did have that semester after I graduated, but I spent that locked in my room after February and trying to figure out things having to do with my suddenly single life and also working in retail, which was likewise horrible.
I really just wonder what if anything will make me happy at this rate.
...Part of me has given up on trying and just kind of accepted that this is how it is going to be.
Bah. This sounds pathetic. Because it is.
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