Leave

During my session today, I again went through the extent of my apathy with Nancy, and how that spreads to relationships, school, eating and general health, and almost everything with the exception of Callie.  She recognized the great discrepancy between how I treat Callie vs. how I treat myself, which boils down to this idea that she is worth caring for, while I am not.  That she is worth the effort, but that same effort should not be expended on me.  And she seemed more concerned when I again said how if I collapsed at some point due to exhaustion or I just snapped in terms of my already fragile mental health, that I just wouldn't really care.  And I wouldn't.

Part of me would probably embrace it, truthfully.

We went over the idea of me possibly taking a medical leave for a semester or a year to sort out my mental health and maybe go and try to do different things to see if this is really what I want to do.  That my general unhappiness might be clouding my judgment and making things even worse.

She seemed somewhat worried when I originally discussed how I was afraid of doing that, because it would ruin my schedule.  Everything in the department is on a set time limit.  And if I took any time off, that schedule would be ruined.

"Your life is not a schedule.  You are not a schedule."

I never really thought about deviating from the schedule.

But...it is an idea.  Maybe.