Before I get into the details of my session, I'm first gonna talk about our first agility class! Which did, luckily, put me in a better and less depressed mood and everything.
First, the guy who does the training is really nice and excitable, and he really really liked Callie. He said she was really smart and sweet and a character, and that she picked up on things really quickly. He also said I have good dog sense, which I loved hearing since I never really thought that was true. (Plus he loved that I brought really good treats with me; opened the container of dried chicken liver pieces that I had been saving!)
Callie was really interested in the other dogs who were performing when we weren't actually on the course ourselves. She kept watching really intently and kept going up to inspect the equipment when we were on the floor before actually doing some things. She got the jumps down the first time, and was good with everything we did (table, jumps, tire jumps, a little bit of weaving) with some exception for the tunnel. She was good at it when she could see the other side/see me at the end of it, but I think we should be able to work on that and all. The trainer said that it looks like her big thing won't be learning the equipment itself, but more not wanting to be far away from me. The thing we will work on the most, I think, will be distance.
But judging from this first session, I think she will do really well and will have a lot of fun.
Session today went well, though I continued to discuss my disillusionment and general unhappiness with my life at the moment. How I'm sick of being with all men, first, all the goddamn time. And how academia is not what I thought it was...I imagined - probably due to naivety - a place that was supportive and had just a love of learning and everything. But it is more political and more...bullshitty than I thought, which is just disheartening. I'm uninterested in everything, though Nancy pointed out that that might also be because I feel like I am being forced to do things I don't want to do, and that is hurting my motivation.
When asked if, in an ideal world where I could do whatever I wanted and had the skills/means to do it, I would still be in grad school, I said that I didn't think so anymore. That actually, I would love to be in a band, but I don't have the musical skills (or the fearlessness to perform in front of a large crowd) to do something like that. Or, that I would enjoy opening up a doggie shelter or something. Then again, I also know that I do love school and learning, but...not the way I have been going at it for the past two years. I'm miserable, and all these things coming up isn't making it any better.
I have had times where I'm uninterested in many things before, but school usually has been immune from that. Usually, I get nervous about the idea of not having my shit done by deadlines, but lately I do not care about that just as much as I do not care about everything else in my life.
Nancy told me that I should try to do things my own way. That the professors will sit there are try to make you feel guilty if you do not live and breathe grad school and work, and I should ignore what they are saying. That yeah, maybe that is how they did it and it has some value, but I need to forge my own path through this that will make me not want to do terrible things to myself.
Also, I went into my expectations for myself, and how I define success. That I do not entertain the idea of leaving grad school, because I will think it means I failed. That I failed and wasn't strong or smart enough to finish. I have always told myself that I needed to be the person in my family with a prestigious job.
I really would like to just keep learning, but it is hard to do that in an environment such as this.
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