I don't do it often but when I look at my ex's page and see more "cutesy" stuff it just annoys me.  (Though I feel like lately I just come here to complain about this when I shouldn't be but I tend to look through past things when I'm either bored or upset with myself and I'm in that latter category at the moment.  Bad decisions.)  But that is my own problem, since obviously he's totally okay with having been terrible to his past girlfriends and then end up with someone with no repercussions whatsoever.

I think the only big repercussion he ever got was my hating him, which he probably never even really gave a shit about?

He's been in my thoughts more than usual (which is...not a lot, really, but it is still more than none, which is what it should be right now), and it might also be because I'm actually going on a date on Saturday?  At least, I think it is a date.  I don't know.  I was excited about the prospect of it before I came back to Bing but now I feel little with respect to it.  And I hate comparing, but I do; where I felt excited and nervous and scared with the ex, I feel...so little now.  But I guess that comes with the depression, and while it has been better, it still flares up at times.

I shouldn't compare.  Because really, that whirlwind of emotions I felt towards the ex blinded me to things that he did that I never would have tolerated if I only listened to my logical side.  So it wasn't really a good thing.  But then again, I should have something.

Maybe I'm just shutting down because the idea of another romance is scary to me?  Although I don't feel actively scared...I think it might be a subconscious thing.  Because the last one ended up being so fucking traumatic for me, and the idea of going through that all a second time is just...awful to say the least.

Then again, it might also be part of "Allie's unknown sexuality" series.  Whenever someone asks about my sexuality I never know how to answer; most people in my life think I'm straight even though I honestly don't think I truly am.  I've never really felt like I am; I find my sexuality to be very fluid.  I have times where I am definitely sexually and physically attracted to people, and then other times - like recently - where I feel nothing.  So I slide into the ace spectrum, I guess.  I've thought of myself as demisexual in the past too, but even that I'm not sure.  When I'm feeling attracted to people, I definitely feel attraction to men and women, so there's bisexuality in there too.

Yeah, sexuality is a weird topic for me.  So this whole "getting back into the dating game" thing might be upsetting that particular dilemma too.

Despite my getting better, I still feel like a gigantic mess.


Unrelated: I need some source of income for this semester so I've been looking up jobs.  But at the same time if I wanna keep writing a lot I really don't want a job.

Maybe.  I dunno.  I need cash.