So I was asked at session today what my fears were about having that conversation with guy. I remarked that I was afraid of a few specific reactions, and that in general my head is so jumbled that I can't organize my thoughts about everything. But maybe I can organize my thoughts on paper. Or screen, technically speaking.
I want to ask him why he didn't establish this back when I asked him about me being nothing but a hookup. Why did he tell me that I wasn't and then continued to allow me to think that there was something potential there when there was nothing in reality? I want to know why he even did anything with me in the first place, especially after I told him about my past and what happened to me. Why couldn't he just kept it strictly platonic and stopped everything the minute I started wondering about the emotional aspect behind what we had.
What I'm afraid of, though I don't necessarily think he will do this to me, is him belittling my emotions and my feelings. I just recall more than several conversations with the ex after we broke up where he did just that, and they're replaying in my head on loop. I remember telling him how fucking sad I was he wasn't the one with me at Danielle's wedding, and that I felt replaced and thrown out. Because to me, that was the obvious thing. It was obvious that he just wanted to get rid of me. For all his telling me how I was his favourite and I was so special to him, his actions told me a different story. And that was the story that triggered my emotions. I already find it difficult to find any sort of self-worth, and I pretty much had absolutely none at that point.
But he didn't listen to me. He didn't care.
Instead he told me that it was "selfish and unfair" of me to feel that way.
I couldn't control my emotions. I felt the way I did because that is how I saw the situation and because of what was happening at the time.
But my emotions were unfair to him and selfish of me, because he obviously wasn't doing what I had characterized.
So on top of still feeling replaced and miserable, I then felt guilty on top of it. He manipulated me, in my weak state, into making me think that everything was my fault. I was the selfish one. No wonder he broke up with me. No wonder he was able to move on so quickly. I was fucked up. I couldn't even alter my feelings to realize the "obvious" reality that he was feeding me.
I should have known better.
All my emotions were belittled, and what he told me made me feel remorseful for even having them. Nothing I said had any value to it.
That was not even the only conversation we had where that occurred. No matter what, if I felt terrible about something, chances are I was blamed for them and told I was being irrational or unfair or selfish or something like that, and that I should have known better because I knew how he was and should have been prepared. So I couldn't be angry or upset over something that he did because that was "just how he is" and that I was forcing him to change, or something. Meanwhile he could be angry at me for an emotion that I felt. And then he manipulated me. Over and over again.
And while I really don't think that guy will do that same thing to me, I'm really scared of it happening. Though now, if it is, I am prepared. I know now that my feelings are valid. And I will not allow someone to make me think otherwise again. I won't.
Perhaps I will talk to him later. There might be a part 2 to this. My head is still jumbled.
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