So I took a two hour nap and was kind of sad when I woke up.  Not that that is super surprising or anything, really.  And then I eventually made it worse by reading sad comics and shit and I probably should not have done that at all.

Since I didn't talk about this before: my class was...okay.  Of course my professor is wonderful, as he is the reason I decided to take the IR class rather than the comparative this semester, despite wanting to be a comparative minor.  But, as it is an IR class...I was lost a lot.  And just from this class alone...I'm not looking forward at all to being with the third years.  I always thought that my cohort was the weakest, but...I don't know.  At least we are willing to discuss ideas.  We disagree with each other and although it sometimes gets heated, we rarely have people who are like "no it id definitely this," which is good, considering political science really doesn't have any definitive rules or anything.  And the third years kind of...looked down on all of us.  At one point all I wanted to do was ask a question (I didn't understand why we were considering out of state firms as part of domestic politics, since I really don't agree with that), and all the third years swarmed on me and their tone pretty much made me feel like an idiot for even bothering to ask.  I spent a lot of that class wondering what I was even doing there, honestly.  I felt like I didn't belong there and everything.

Though, I did bring something up later on that my professor was really happy about.  And I don't know if I thought of it because I have mostly been trained as an Americanist/comparativist; maybe I think of things in a slightly different manner than those who are focused on IR.  I don't know.  But that made me feel a bit better.  Still though.  I'm in that mode where - because I still can't bring myself to care about much of anything (especially my work) maybe - I feel like I shouldn't be here at all.  That I'm just going to disappoint everyone and all.

I even read over the paper I plan on using for my qualifying exam, and I just...I don't know what happened between then and now.  I can't imagine writing something like that right now.  And maybe it is just me still coming off the summer vacation slump, or something.  Or it is just my apathy and sadness.  My lack of caring enough to actually get started on things I should get started on, and all that.  I really am not too sure.


Part of me wants to apologize to him for getting so emotional.  Really, I want to apologize for still being so...affected, I suppose.  It would be so much better and so much easier if my apathy spread to my dealings with him as well.  Maybe then we could have some sort of friendship, because I wouldn't care about what he did with others.  Then again, if my apathy spread that far, I wouldn't exactly care about him in general either.  It would be a shallow sort of acquaintanceship, really.  Still though.  That might be better than what we have at the moment.

Hah, I find it funny that I'm thinking about a possible reconciliation now, but not too long ago all I did was curse his name.  Why did this weird random switch happen?

Is it because deep down I think he truly is as sad and lonely as I am?  Or even more?

Really, I hate the idea.