The best thing for me to do when I'm feeling sad is to write about things, though I sometimes think I talk about this stuff too much.  At the same time, however, I know that I would go insane if I did not write, because I have no other true outlet for these sorts of thoughts.

This emptiness I feel right now is not the type that I find exhilarating.  No, what I feel now is nothing short of a pure desire to not exist anymore.  And I wonder what that would be like.

Really, I just would like an escape.  I would like something to return happiness to me.  To return excitement to me.  All these things...I feel in short bursts at times but it has been so long since they have lasted for any lengthy period.  Perhaps that is why I keep trying to artificially create these romantic connections with people.  Because I did feel excited and happy when I was with the ex, for a time.  I did.  So I have been trying to feel those things again.  They're almost foreign to me now.  I cannot imagine not having these darker thoughts anymore, really.

Should I ship off to London again, for a time?  Maybe.  But then again, will London just make me sad, because I will also associate it with him?  Or will London not really give me what I seek?   It is a city I love, though.

Even my puppy doesn't bring me that extended happiness.  Of course I love her and I love spending time with her and I would do anything for her...but I even sometimes go through the motions with her.  I have been slacking on continuing her training because I cannot bring myself to care enough to do it.

I do wonder if martial arts would help me feel alive, more.  It is why I've been looking at this dojo and I think I will join, if I can muster up the desire to actually make the trip over there.

Video games provide the most temporary of escapes, which is probably why I have been playing more often than I should, considering I have work to do and everything.

The only person I share these sorts of things with is Nancy, and that is because...I feel ashamed.  I feel ashamed of having these thoughts and everything, because I am expected to be a happier person.  Really, there is no reason for me to feel like this.  My breakup, maybe, but that alone shouldn't do the damage it has done to me.  I should not respond to a nice email from one who just wants to see if I'm okay with what I did.  Even if it was okay for me to do so.  I should not have panic attacks every time I see his name.  Yet I also miss him terribly.  I do.  Even though I know I should not, especially since I also still hate him on many levels.  These contradictions really make no sense.

I feel ashamed and I am afraid of scaring people.  I'm afraid of people looking at me with pity and fear.  So I tell this blog and my therapist.

Really, I know I need to be back on medication.  I know I need to call my doctor back again, but we have been playing phone tag for about a month and it just feels like it might not even be worth it anymore.  But I know I need that stuff.  I do.

I don't know what I can do anymore, really.  Every time I feel like I'm getting better, it just...seems to get worse, really.