At Dee's new place where there is unfortunately no internet so I'm forced to my phone. We're waiting for Steph and her friend to show up and I'm not exactly sure what time we are leaving tomorrow. But it should be fun, I think. I am not sure how I'll do in the alcohol department; I haven't gotten drunk since December, and I'm kind of...in this weird mode of both wanting and not wanting to get wasted tomorrow. Want to for all the wrong reasons involving my feelings and wanting to just...use alcohol to numb them. But not wanting to because I know that doesn't exactly work that way and I'll probably just show all my sadness on the surface and it will just bring everyone down and all. And I don't want to be that guy at a party for my sister, you know?

I was thinking about ex and the guys I've sort of been with since and I'm realizing more and more that I...want what the ex and I had. At least what I thought we had. What we had in the beginning, I guess. The romantic mushy sort of stuff that I wouldn't have wanted with anyone I've encountered since and that makes me sad. I want another first kiss to be one that is surprising and amazing and not a drunken makeout session. And I'm really just...unsure if I will find that again. I thought maybe guy would give me some of what I wanted, but his backing off has kind of hit me (despite my not being surprised) in some bad ways and has made me really think about all this. And again, I really shouldn't...care. Since I need to work on my degree and there is a sick feeling I get when I think about this as something I want. Mostly because I should be tougher and everything, in my eyes. I shouldn't need or want anyone else like that.

It is annoying, really.

Speaking of, I bought guy alcohol while on the cruise and now I'm not sure when and how I should give it to him.

You can do better
You can do better
You can be the greatest man in the world.