So I was a little wrong in the characterizing of that particular conversation I had with the ex. It wasn't the one about my sister's wedding where I was told that my feelings were selfish and unfair. No, there I was told to stop sullying our relationship with all my feelings about being replaced because we had the closest relationship he's ever had with someone (probably bullshit, honestly). And when I told him to see it from my point of view, he couldn't (/probably didn't try) and made me feel fucking irrational as shit. Basically what I was thinking was 'unconscionable' and just terrible.
No, now I remember: the unfair and selfish thing happened when I told him I felt betrayed, in a different conversation. That is when he told me that my feelings of betrayal were selfish.
So regardless, there was still guilt-tripping no matter what tone the conversation took.
Honestly they've all jumbled together in my head so it is hard for me to distinguish between them, at points.
But I felt some weird need to actually look back at that particular conversation - which may have been a mistake - and make sure I was right. I wasn't, so I'm correcting that shiz now.
And then I looked at another conversation and I could actually feel my stomach churning and myself getting angrier because it was one of the more...sad rather than angry ones and so all the crap about me being so ~special~ and shit is in it and all I'm thinking about is how it is probably all lies and I can't believe I ever fell for that garbage and that bullshit and ugh I kind of hate myself right now.
Then it is a lot of 'oh I'll be devastated if we stop talking and if you end up hating me' and all that nonsense and I kind of want to laugh because yeah right you got over my being gone real fucking fast. But whatever.
ghkfjdhgkfd WHY DID I DO THIS.
See these are the types of conversations I'm afraid of having with guy. I'm not only afraid of him trying to invalidate my feelings, but I'm also afraid of those nice things. Those 'oh Allie you're so special and wonderful and you deserve someone so much better than me and I wish I could be the person for you' and everything. Because I fucking latch onto those things. Because I don't think I'm special or wonderful or anything like that. So someone telling me I am can easily get me to believe anything.
That's what the ex did. And you know what? Maybe he actually was truthful about some stuff. But I just don't know what stuff that is because of the other things that I found out were lies. Believe me. I wish I was able to believe the things he told me. I wish I could believe that he honestly didn't/doesn't want me continuously out of his life and that he is upset that I despise him the way that I do. I wish I could believe that he really never wanted to break up with me, but had to for his own mental health.
I wish I could believe that.
But I don't.
I can't, really.
But if I have a conversation with guy that mirrors the ones I had with the ex, I don't know how I'll be able to handle it. I mean...I'll be prepared, I suppose, but I'll also have these memories and shit and I want to ignore them.
Also I realize this entry was more about correcting my mistake and stuff and less about actually still talking about my fears about this new conversation, but...well my fears stem from those conversations.
Really, I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to go to London for the entire junior year. Or at the very least...don't go to Dairy Queen that night.
Don't do it. Don't sit on the curb and eat ice cream and talk.
Don't.
Because you'll be better off that way, in the end.
Ugh how did this entry turn into this seriously what the shit.
It really was a mistake looking at conversations. But I really felt this need to correct myself, for some reason.
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