Drive

Back in Binghamton.

My drive back was good in terms of traffic.  I spent it either deep in thought about email and past and everything or completely blank and just listening to music with no thoughts in my head whatsoever.

I was thinking about the possibility of ignoring it, but I...don't think that is possible.  It'd be like me trying to ignore a stain or something: I know it is there and not trying to do something about it will not make me think of it any less or anything.  I don't know if that makes sense at all.

Trainer's son texted me, and I have neither the desire nor energy to text him back tonight.  I feel terrible.  He is a nice person and I shouldn't blow him off or anything.  And I don't want to.  But I also don't want to try anything.  I don't.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of feeling nothing when trying something and then if I develop some sort of feelings - though still not as intense as I would like or anything - they leave.  And I know that is always going to be a risk when dating, but having it happen so many times has made me not want to deal with it again right now.

Plus, deep down I know I shouldn't, really.  Considering the ex situation and the thing that just happened with guy and everything.

I mean...if he is cool with being friends strictly and all, then I'd be happy to chill with him.  But I have a feeling it is more than that and stuff.  I dunno.

I'm just exhausted.

Plus I have a ton of issues that no one should really have to get sucked into.