Tomorrow is supposed to be the orientation for our department and meeting the first years (even though I've met half of them already) and having meetings and everything.  We are all expected to attend and everything.  And...I really don't want to go anymore.  At all.  Because...I don't know.  I need to act happy at those things and sometimes that's really fucking difficult to do and I don't want everyone to see how damn sad I am like they were clearly able to tonight when we were out before.  

Putting on the happy mask is sometimes very difficult, and I know it will be like that tomorrow. 

So I don't want to go. 

Really, I just want to not be anywhere. 

I just want to not exist anymore.