I feel...really terrible.

Halo got me out of it for a little bit, but I know it was affecting my play, since I was sucking more than usual.  And once I got off, all the feelings returned in full force and all I want to do is lay in my bed and do absolutely nothing for the rest of the night, which might be what I do.  I did look up something that I wish I didn't look up, since it has to do with me wanting to disappear and just...kind of not exist anymore.  But as many times as I look up stuff like that, I don't think I will actually do anything to bring that desire to reality.  Mostly because it isn't how I'm supposed to act and all.  People expect something of me, and I conform to that expectation.  Perfectionist and all.  

I keep going back and forth with people about these email exchanges.  Whenever I express remorse for getting as angry as I did in that one response, friends remind me that I'm allowed to be angry - regardless of his apology - for the things he did.  I do somewhat wish I did not pin all my emotional issues on him, since truly, they existed before him and will exist if he ever leaves my mind.  So it is not fair for me to say that, really.  But still...friends say that just because he shows back up and says he is sorry doesn't mean that I need to let him off the hook or anything like that.  And I know that I am not.

But...I really would like to stop being angry.  The anger and hate kind of consumes me in terrible ways, and I would love to be able to look at him without all those emotions stirring up in me.  Though I would also love to look at him without any feelings of love showing up either, but I don't know when either one of those things will happen.

My friend told me that there are others out there, and while I know that is true...I don't know.  I'm afraid of him.  I really am.

He is both wonderful and terrible, really.

I just wonder what it says about me, that so many things he does still affects my emotional state.

Regardless whether or not he deserved it...I really and truly loved him.

Which is difficult for me to forget about.