My little second cousins were super cute today with Callie and it was nice to watch and think about that rather than have my mind on the thoughts which still plague it right now.

And I actually managed to avoid listening to Death Cab on the way home even though I wanted to so badly.  But after my initial reaction to seeing that name in my inbox (basically a mini panic attack, if that is the proper way to characterize), I knew putting them on would be the worst possible idea.

I keep rereading this thing over and over again and I'm still really unsure as to what to do.  Part of me wants to completely ignore, part of me wants to respond with something short, and another part of me wants to respond with something tl;dr-y, which if a response happens, will probably be what it is because that is how I always am.

Really, I wish I could lie and say that I'm so much happier and my life is sunshine and roses and all that bullshit.  But anyone would see past that.  It's not true.  I'm either overwhelmed by emotions (of the sad/angry/frustrated variety) or completely emotionless and unable to get excited about almost anything.  My school/academic life is great, but that...is about it.  I don't know.  All I know is that I haven't been happy in a long fucking time.  Like...for a lengthened period of time.

(Hence my continued therapy sessions and meds - speaking of which holy fuck why won't my doctor call me back about a refill this is stupid and even Nancy said I should probably still be on them and wjdshkjfds.)

Being unable to connect with people has kind of been shitty too, and definitely has attributed to my lack of unhappiness.  Like...while I was originally jealous of the girls the ex went to after me, I'm realizing more and more that I'm jealous of him, not them (well...not as much as I once was, I guess).  Because he has been able to go and do things and be connected with other people in that romantic sense for a lengthened period of time.  Meanwhile, I really...haven't.  Even with guy, whom I wanted to be connected with and I would say did have some connection, it...it wasn't the same.  It wasn't the same spark or fire or intense feeling that I felt with the ex.  And I'm craving that feeling that just hasn't been around at all.

And of course, I keep getting told the same shit, so I'm in a perpetual state of hooking up with guys and then they leave.  It never comes as a surprise to me because it is always accompanied with the line: "you're so fantastic/special/etc."  Though I never feel that way.

I'm sure I'll repeat this in any sort of reply I may or may not give.  Oh well.  Writing thoughts down here does help me.

And yes, I think about this stuff all the damn time.  Really, it is pathetic of me.


My stomach is bothering me.