I really wish I was not still playing fucking phone tag with my doctor.  Because I really do need to be on medication, still, and today on its own just reinforced that, I think.

All I've done is sit here on the couch in a daze that I've been unable to get out of.  I did get one page of writing done, though I say that hesitantly, because what I have written is pure garbage and I probably will need to rewrite it and everything anyway.  I just don't know how to go about continuing what I have, so I might just give up trying for tonight and try to go into the office and write it tomorrow.  Heh, I said that yesterday, though.  But I couldn't muster the willpower to even go into the office because I suck at everything.

I don't know.  I should have had this thing done three days ago, probably.  If we don't get the next bout of funding I know it will be my fault, since it apparently is super dependent on my report of judicial elections.  So that pressure is awesome.

Like I said, this really should not be difficult.  But it really is, for some reason.


Plus I'm getting impatient, and I really should not be.  

I don't understand why writing up this fucking memo is so difficult to me right now.  I really really really don't.  It isn't that hard.  Or rather, it should not be.  It really should be something simple, especially since it is all information that I know a lot about since I've been reading shit all goddamn summer.

These sorts of inspirational blocks just make me wonder why I am doing this.  Like...if I can't even come up with some way to write something that should be simple and should just flow out of me, how the hell am I going to be able to write something that requires more thought?

I don't know.  I often go through this doubting, but...I'm really not good at anything else.  So if I'm not good at this and at nothing else, really, what the hell else is left for me to do?

ejskfjskdljfdls

You know...I don't understand why I still sometimes think that the ex was it.

It probably is because he provided me with a feeling that I had never experienced.  The intensity of the emotions I felt while around him was unlike any I've felt before or since.  And like I've said, I've been craving that again.  I want to have those intense feelings again, and even now, he is the only one capable of providing them to me, even if now they are more anger and sadness than happiness and love like they once were.  That is frustrating.  Incredibly frustrating.  Because when I think about all he did, before and after he left me, he doesn't deserve to be in my thoughts as the possible "one."

He channeled his unhappiness in ways that hurt me.  He lied to me.  He betrayed me.  

And yet, even now, I am concerned about him and his feelings.  I wrote to him, telling him that he can be better than he is, and I do believe that...I do.  Even though he has gotten angry about me having these unrealistic expectations on him, which is a load of crap.  All I ever expected of him was to show decency through his actions.  Really, out of everything he has ever done, getting angry about that was actually one of the most disappointing.  Because it was him telling me that me thinking he should act like the decent human being he claims to be (and I think he can be) is setting too high expectations.  I was disappointed in him, and remain disappointed in him, for daring to think that.  If he would rather me think of him as the piece of shit I have often described him and have often thought in my incredibly angry moments, then he can continue to get angry about those expectations.  Because it will show me that he doesn't want to actually be a good person.  He will make bad choices and just excuse them because that is 'how he is,' or some bullshit like that.  But...him taking responsibility for all he has done with no desire to defend those actions...that is good.  It shows that he can be a good person, and more than he has been, especially to me.  

Why is it that I really think that he can be better?  Why do I think a person capable of making all the choices he has made can still be good, and can be so much better than he has proven himself to be?  Is it due to those lingering feelings?  Is it more self-centered: do I want to think he can be better simply because I don't want to think that I could have been seduced and everything by a terrible person?  Is it because he has shown himself to be a good person in the past?  

(Heh, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, trying to reach out to Darth Vader and being all "THERE IS GOOD IN YOU," when so much evidence points to the contrary.) 

I don't know why I have been thinking about this.  Maybe since I sent that whole thing to him.  I have thought him evil in the past, I have.  When I was down and sad and unable to come up with any sort of explanation for his actions, that was the only reasoning that made any sort of sense to me.  And you know what?  Maybe that feeling will continue to battle this 'there is good in him' feeling, even though it is losing.

My major disappointment in him stems from this, I suppose.  That deep down, I know he can be a good person.  But he has acted contrary to that for so long.  His actions stunned me because I thought him incapable of doing those sorts of things.  

But maybe he will surprise me again.  Hopefully, in a good way.

Happy Anniversary

So today marks the 1-year anniversary of this blog.

Really, if I met myself one year ago and said that I would still have it and that it would be very important for me in venting feelings and in dealing with my sadness, I probably would have laughed.  I created it because friends were starting to 'lifeblog,' as one in particular called it, and I realized that I missed doing that.  Then, after starting therapy, I was told that it really is something good for me to have.  To be able to express my feelings, especially when I am upset or angry.

It has been good for me.  I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have somewhere to release all those thoughts.  And while I know that me expressing those emotions here does not make them go away a lot of times, it does help.  It helps to be able to write them down.

So here's to you, blog.  If you were a person I would bring you flowers and chocolates and take you out to a very nice restaurant, at the very least.  But maybe I'll just do that for myself, instead.  

Once again, I have had zero motivation to do anything all day.  I at least was able to muster up the willpower to head over to the dog park so Callie could run around and everything, but since we've gotten back I've lazily been in bed, wondering when I would start the rewrite of that memo for my research project.  But I have no motivation or inspiration to write it.

I'm surprised I don't have more squishables than I have, honestly.  The last two I bought were both kind of on whims when I was feeling very sad, and that is always a site I go to when I'm feeling down (hence why I visit it quite a lot).  Right now I have four: the first I got because I had been wanting it, the second I bought because sad feels, the third was a gift, and now the fourth was also because of sadness.  I love having them, really.  They're soft and they are something to cuddle (even if they do not cuddle in return) when I am feeling lonely (and Callie is sleeping or off somewhere else...like under my bed...like she is right now).  

I know it is childish of me, to have so many of them and other stuffed animals/pokemon/stuff, but they are cute and provide me with some happiness at times.  I will probably get more in the future.  

Hell, I go to sleep cuddling Dewott every night.  It used to be Wolfy, and before that it was Zorua.  Not squishables, but they all kind of are important to me in some way.  Unfortunately, Zorua is gone (I wonder if he even still has him sometimes...I don't know.  Things like that were important to me but maybe not to anyone else), and Wolfy is...on my bookshelf, until memories fade. 

I don't know why I got into this discussion about my stuffed animals and their importance to me.  I'm feeling sick and sad and wanting someone's company but not enough to get up and go find someone.  And really, I only would want the company of one person; people are having get-togethers, and the idea of socializing right now is kind of exhausting to me. 

Really, aside from sickness, I have no real reason to feel down.  Aside from the usual reasons, I suppose.  I ought to at least get something done... 

This apathy so early on in the school year is terrible.  Then again...I suppose I had this apathy all through the summer and through last semester.  And I got stuff done.  Yeah...

Ninjie

I will have to keep a watchful eye on this one.

ALSO HE IS ADORBS.

Finally, I went out and got some medicine for my cough and everything, though I still feel all sorts of awful at the moment even though I took stuff.  I really want to take Callie to the park too, since I feel like it might be good for her to get outside and run around with other puppers and all, but I just don't feel well at all.  Wahh.  I might try to suck it up for her.  It also kind of blows because I really need to write up a new memo for my professor for the judicial elections, but it is really difficult for me to get motivated or to clear my head while I'm feeling all sick.

Guy is having this big game night thing at his place tonight, and I was going to go but I really...don't want to if I'm still feeling like this.  Heh...I realize I'm still calling him 'guy' and I should probably stop, since that whole thing between us is pretty much dead.  How about 'person formally known as guy' or something like that.  I guess I can call him a friend.  Since he is that still, regardless of what happened.  It works out, since any feels have pretty much gone away.  

If only everything worked like that, really. 

Still wish I could cuddle with someone.  I think sickness makes me want that even more.  So much so that I actually express that is something I want.  Ha. 

Sick

So I thought I was getting a little bit better, but I woke up via a coughing fit.  I've been trying to avoid getting medicine for it, since cough medicine is usually in liquid form and that makes me feel yucky and stuff.  But after this, I definitely need to go out tomorrow morning (or rather...later on in the morning) to get something.  Because I've been up for way too long coughing and all.

It is a good thing I don't have class tomorrow or for the following week.  Hopefully I can get better before my parents come visit me and stuff.

dsjkldjskl wahhhhhh.

All of a sudden I was hit with sad feels.  Really for no reason.  After finishing this book on pirates (which, as I mentioned, was awesome), I've just been sitting here watching television, and it hit me really randomly.  I should be doing more work at the very least but I just...don't want to.  Really, I kind of want to sleep but I'm not tired enough to.

Of course, sad feels just make me reread things and think about things that I should stay away from and everything.  

I wish I just had someone to cuddle with right now, honestly.  Someone I could just hug and I could get hugged in return and we could watch television together and eat food that is really bad for us while ignoring any of our work.  Someone who, when I squeeze them, would squeeze me tight as a way to let me know that they're there for me even when I'm feeling sad. 

I'm still all sicky and that makes me very sad.  Wahh.

Also I went to campus this morning thinking that I would be there for most of the day doing work, but then I got a text during the intro seminar (that I don't...need to go to but I do anyway) from Brendan saying he was locked out of the house, so I had to go back home to let him in.  So now I'm home, and while I will still try to do work, I...doubt I'll get as much done as I would have if I was still on campus.  And I am more than okay with that, actually.

Had a house meeting that actually went really well.  Huzzah!

There's a Streetlight Manifesto concert in Philadelphia on the 2nd of October and I might...go.  I originally wanted to go to the one in NYC on the 1st, but I have to teach a class at 8:30 in the morning on Wednesdays and I also have my Congress class then, so if I wait and then go to Philly after all that, I can stay over and stuff, since I don't have anything I really need to be at on Thursdays.

So...if I can get someone to watch Callie, I think this might have to happen.


Still thinking about things and all.  Wondering and stuff.  I should probably stop, but it is difficult for me to do so.

Pirates

The first book I have to read for my IR class is about the economics of pirates.  Yes.  This has absolutely nothing to do with the role of domestic politics in international relations (directly, anyway, I suppose).  It is about pirates.  That's not a metaphor.

It is about literal pirates. 

In other words, it is quite awesome.

So far I've realized that pirate society on television is nothing like how it apparently was, which was very democratic and full of checks-and-balances and all that stuff, which is super fucking cool.  Life apparently sucked hard on merchant ships, but was much more fair on pirate ships, because that is how they designed them.

It's so cool, ahhhh.  Solving Madison's Dilemma/paradox of power before most legitimate governments did.  Damn pirates.  You got way more awesome to me.

(If only there were more women in your ranks!)

Sometimes I don't know what is the best way to scold Callie when she does something wrong (that she knows is wrong).  So when she doesn't come to me when I call her after she bolts out the door when I'm trying to go out, I get more and more angry, because she knows what she should do.  So other than harshly telling her she did bad, I don't...really know what else I am supposed to do.  Bah.

I want to learn how to skateboard.  I've been thinking about trying to pick it up or something.  Friends have already told me that they're surprised I don't do it already, and I told them I always kind of wanted to learn, but didn't think I had the balancing ability necessary to actually do it.  But now I'm curious.

Then again, this might be added to the list of "things Allie wishes to do but never will for various reasons."

I'm getting sick, which is poop, because I feel awful and today is supposed to be my day where I walk the puppies.  I'm still going to go in, I think, but I'll probably go a lot slower than normal and I will definitely not stay longer than 2 hours like I do a lot of times.  Of course I'll still try and do the long walk, as I like to allow the puppies to get in a super long walk with me.  I know not many others take them out as long as I do, and they stay cooped up in their kennels for most of the day and I just want them to have a little more time outside when they are with me.

Speaking of puppies, turning to my own...I may have figured out a way to keep Callie out of the crate so she doesn't hurt herself or anything in trying to escape, but not giving her free reign in the house when no one is home.  I've been putting her on a 20 foot line inside when she is by herself, and so far it has been working decently well.  Maybe when she gets more used to being alone, which I hope she does more quickly now that she will be alone for at least a few hours for 5 days a week or so, I will let her off the line.  But she needs to stop chewing on things when no one is around.  She did chew my gaming chair and I am very displeased.  She knew I was really angry with her that day after that.

I'm wondering if my response included all that I wanted to say.  I keep rereading it and thinking that I missed something here or there, but...I don't know.  I hope it doesn't come off as condescending either, since that is also not my intention.  Bah, I don't know.  I sort of wanted to convey that being sad does not equal being a terrible person.  Actions were terrible, yes, but the hate never arose because of sadness.  It arose because of bad actions.

I don't know if that makes sense.  I tried to make it make sense.

My session today went well and was really needed and all.

Towards the end, though, when I told her about my desires to disappear, I promised her that if my desires get any louder and my thoughts become...plans, that I would reach out to her.  She seemed a bit concerned that I already had a...ideal method in mind.  But I have reasons why it would not come to that, and she asked me about those as well.

I wrote out a response and everything too, though I want to go through it a few more times I think before I possibly send it off.  She told me that I do not need to respond unless it is for me and I do not need to make him feel better or anything...everything is for me and it should be dependent on what I want.  That I can feel bad and I still care because I'm a good person, but I am under no obligation to make him feel better.  That just because he is sorry and feels bad does not mean that I should tell him that everything is okay.

Bah, I don't know if I should say all this that I have in here...


Need to do some work.

I had a dream but all I really remember from it was a kiss.  A very sad yet passionate kiss.  One that had a similar feel to some I've had before.  And because of these things, I know who it was with in-dream and that makes me both angry and upset.  Angry (really at myself) because I am tired of having dreams like this about him.  I really am.  I do not want to see him when I sleep as much as I do.  It just sucks, to put it so very bluntly.  It sucks and it hurts me and it makes me long for things I know I should not long for.  And I suppose those are also the reasons I become upset as well.

Sometimes I wonder what he would think about all this.  If I told him what goes on in my dreams between us.  These sorts of dreams are the worst for me to handle; the easiest ones are me yelling at and walking away from him.  But these?  These are terrible to me.  And I wonder what he would think.  Probably he would find me pathetic, even more so than he probably does now.  I don't know why I care about such a thing, honestly.  It is just something I think about, I guess.

Session today.

Also this comic be relevant.  Unfortunately.

So I took a two hour nap and was kind of sad when I woke up.  Not that that is super surprising or anything, really.  And then I eventually made it worse by reading sad comics and shit and I probably should not have done that at all.

Since I didn't talk about this before: my class was...okay.  Of course my professor is wonderful, as he is the reason I decided to take the IR class rather than the comparative this semester, despite wanting to be a comparative minor.  But, as it is an IR class...I was lost a lot.  And just from this class alone...I'm not looking forward at all to being with the third years.  I always thought that my cohort was the weakest, but...I don't know.  At least we are willing to discuss ideas.  We disagree with each other and although it sometimes gets heated, we rarely have people who are like "no it id definitely this," which is good, considering political science really doesn't have any definitive rules or anything.  And the third years kind of...looked down on all of us.  At one point all I wanted to do was ask a question (I didn't understand why we were considering out of state firms as part of domestic politics, since I really don't agree with that), and all the third years swarmed on me and their tone pretty much made me feel like an idiot for even bothering to ask.  I spent a lot of that class wondering what I was even doing there, honestly.  I felt like I didn't belong there and everything.

Though, I did bring something up later on that my professor was really happy about.  And I don't know if I thought of it because I have mostly been trained as an Americanist/comparativist; maybe I think of things in a slightly different manner than those who are focused on IR.  I don't know.  But that made me feel a bit better.  Still though.  I'm in that mode where - because I still can't bring myself to care about much of anything (especially my work) maybe - I feel like I shouldn't be here at all.  That I'm just going to disappoint everyone and all.

I even read over the paper I plan on using for my qualifying exam, and I just...I don't know what happened between then and now.  I can't imagine writing something like that right now.  And maybe it is just me still coming off the summer vacation slump, or something.  Or it is just my apathy and sadness.  My lack of caring enough to actually get started on things I should get started on, and all that.  I really am not too sure.


Part of me wants to apologize to him for getting so emotional.  Really, I want to apologize for still being so...affected, I suppose.  It would be so much better and so much easier if my apathy spread to my dealings with him as well.  Maybe then we could have some sort of friendship, because I wouldn't care about what he did with others.  Then again, if my apathy spread that far, I wouldn't exactly care about him in general either.  It would be a shallow sort of acquaintanceship, really.  Still though.  That might be better than what we have at the moment.

Hah, I find it funny that I'm thinking about a possible reconciliation now, but not too long ago all I did was curse his name.  Why did this weird random switch happen?

Is it because deep down I think he truly is as sad and lonely as I am?  Or even more?

Really, I hate the idea.  

Due to APSA, all of my classes this week after today's have been cancelled, meaning I have a two week break already.  It really is just a continuation of summer vacation, really.  I'm okay with this.  It does give me some ability to maybe get a head start on a few things, which would be nice.

I need to ask about additional money for the project I am working on, that is, if I am going to get it and everything.  I'm not sure, but it would be really nice.

I think I'm getting sick; I keep coughing like crazy.


Two of my professors saw my Halo commentary video and they both seemed quite amused.


Didn't get to see Nancy today, but luckily I get to see her tomorrow, so I can talk to her about feelings and about ex and all.  I'm still very much in a meh mood and I don't know what to do anymore.

I've been here for around 10 minutes and I think three people have already asked me if I am okay. That I look tired. But I am not tired at all. It is just that empty, uninterested feeling. But I guess I don't care enough to try and mask it.

I will need to attempt to mask it during this class though.

Sometimes I wish I could tell someone the truth when they ask if I am feeling okay.

I should see if Nancy is free today, actually...

Commentary

Brendan has told me that I'm very funny while I play Halo with all my comments, so I recorded myself.

Also classes start today and I don't want to.

The best thing for me to do when I'm feeling sad is to write about things, though I sometimes think I talk about this stuff too much.  At the same time, however, I know that I would go insane if I did not write, because I have no other true outlet for these sorts of thoughts.

This emptiness I feel right now is not the type that I find exhilarating.  No, what I feel now is nothing short of a pure desire to not exist anymore.  And I wonder what that would be like.

Really, I just would like an escape.  I would like something to return happiness to me.  To return excitement to me.  All these things...I feel in short bursts at times but it has been so long since they have lasted for any lengthy period.  Perhaps that is why I keep trying to artificially create these romantic connections with people.  Because I did feel excited and happy when I was with the ex, for a time.  I did.  So I have been trying to feel those things again.  They're almost foreign to me now.  I cannot imagine not having these darker thoughts anymore, really.

Should I ship off to London again, for a time?  Maybe.  But then again, will London just make me sad, because I will also associate it with him?  Or will London not really give me what I seek?   It is a city I love, though.

Even my puppy doesn't bring me that extended happiness.  Of course I love her and I love spending time with her and I would do anything for her...but I even sometimes go through the motions with her.  I have been slacking on continuing her training because I cannot bring myself to care enough to do it.

I do wonder if martial arts would help me feel alive, more.  It is why I've been looking at this dojo and I think I will join, if I can muster up the desire to actually make the trip over there.

Video games provide the most temporary of escapes, which is probably why I have been playing more often than I should, considering I have work to do and everything.

The only person I share these sorts of things with is Nancy, and that is because...I feel ashamed.  I feel ashamed of having these thoughts and everything, because I am expected to be a happier person.  Really, there is no reason for me to feel like this.  My breakup, maybe, but that alone shouldn't do the damage it has done to me.  I should not respond to a nice email from one who just wants to see if I'm okay with what I did.  Even if it was okay for me to do so.  I should not have panic attacks every time I see his name.  Yet I also miss him terribly.  I do.  Even though I know I should not, especially since I also still hate him on many levels.  These contradictions really make no sense.

I feel ashamed and I am afraid of scaring people.  I'm afraid of people looking at me with pity and fear.  So I tell this blog and my therapist.

Really, I know I need to be back on medication.  I know I need to call my doctor back again, but we have been playing phone tag for about a month and it just feels like it might not even be worth it anymore.  But I know I need that stuff.  I do.

I don't know what I can do anymore, really.  Every time I feel like I'm getting better, it just...seems to get worse, really.

I feel...really terrible.

Halo got me out of it for a little bit, but I know it was affecting my play, since I was sucking more than usual.  And once I got off, all the feelings returned in full force and all I want to do is lay in my bed and do absolutely nothing for the rest of the night, which might be what I do.  I did look up something that I wish I didn't look up, since it has to do with me wanting to disappear and just...kind of not exist anymore.  But as many times as I look up stuff like that, I don't think I will actually do anything to bring that desire to reality.  Mostly because it isn't how I'm supposed to act and all.  People expect something of me, and I conform to that expectation.  Perfectionist and all.  

I keep going back and forth with people about these email exchanges.  Whenever I express remorse for getting as angry as I did in that one response, friends remind me that I'm allowed to be angry - regardless of his apology - for the things he did.  I do somewhat wish I did not pin all my emotional issues on him, since truly, they existed before him and will exist if he ever leaves my mind.  So it is not fair for me to say that, really.  But still...friends say that just because he shows back up and says he is sorry doesn't mean that I need to let him off the hook or anything like that.  And I know that I am not.

But...I really would like to stop being angry.  The anger and hate kind of consumes me in terrible ways, and I would love to be able to look at him without all those emotions stirring up in me.  Though I would also love to look at him without any feelings of love showing up either, but I don't know when either one of those things will happen.

My friend told me that there are others out there, and while I know that is true...I don't know.  I'm afraid of him.  I really am.

He is both wonderful and terrible, really.

I just wonder what it says about me, that so many things he does still affects my emotional state.

Regardless whether or not he deserved it...I really and truly loved him.

Which is difficult for me to forget about.

Ugh now I have all these bad feels.  And not angry, but more...apologetic, if that is the right way to put it.   

I don't know. 

Like I should apologize for something.  Maybe for getting so emotional?  But at the same time I'm not sorry about that. 

This would be so much easier if I could just extinguish all my feelings for him, both good and bad. 

I don't know. 

I'll wait to respond, if I decide to at all, until after my session. 

Maybe...I don't know.  Maybe two more months of not talking can get me in a position where I can confront him face-to-face if he is going to homecoming (or Hallowmas, perhaps).  I'm not sure if I'll be in that position, but...maybe.  I'd like to be at that level of okay-ness, truthfully.  

It is just bad that no matter how many times I say goodbye to him and no matter how hard I push him away from me or how loudly I pronounce my hatred of him, it never feels like our story is finished.  I don't know if he feels that way too (and I'm not saying anything in terms of romantic story, but rather just...a story in general; we're just not done with each other), but I imagine he does, considering he was the one to contact me in the first place. 

  

But for now...I want to run away from feels.  

And that means Halo time.  

I go through these weird emotional roller coasters with him.  Really.  I wish it could just be a steady ride without these odd contradictory feelings all messed up into one thing and everything.  

He messages me, and I want him to go away.  

He tells me he's going to stop again, and I suddenly feel bad and want to keep going.  Because part of me doesn't want him to leave.

Then again, another part of me wants him to disappear. 

Everything is jumbled and strange.

I guess it depends on which emotion is dominant at the time.


This is the first time, though...where I just want both of us to be okay.  No matter what that means.

Maybe if my anger can completely disappear...I don't know.

I know this might be a passing feeling, but...

This is the first time in a while where I have wanted him to be happier.  Even if that is never going to be with me.

That's good, right?

Does it mean I can move past things soon?


I'll wait to talk to Nancy about this.

Responses

I keep rereading things, especially my response, and while I don't actually regret responding in such an angry manner...I don't know.  I feel weird.

Truthfully, what I responded to is actually...nice.  He surprised me by saying that there is no excuse for his lying and everything.  I was expecting defensiveness, so not getting that was shocking.  And - although I disagreed and got angry about it - I guess I somewhat appreciate him telling me that any part that thinks lowly of myself is wrong.  Again, while I disagree, I guess that part was nice to hear as well.

The thing that set me off really was him telling me that he was trying to convince himself he was still in love.  Because for the longest time I thought - deep down - that at least we had that.  That maybe things didn't work out because of timing or because of other stuff...but never because of that.  I always thought that he convinced himself that I was worth more and everything, but didn't let me go for so long because he was still in love with me.  So...him saying that shattered this vision of mine.  Although I have said in the past that I didn't think he truly loved me...I don't know.  I always thought that he did, in his own way.  Or...I don't know.

He stayed with me because I was "special," but...I don't feel special.  I don't.  How can I be, when he did everything that he did?  When he stopped being in love with me (or did he even ever?) so easily?

Bah.

Really, I wish I could just forget him.  He is a parasite that sucks the life out of me.

My professor put this on his facebook this morning and I really really enjoyed it too much to not put it here.


I was thinking about going into the office at some point today to do work but I don't know how much I feel like lugging my laptop over with me and everything.  Maybe what I'll do is I'll find more judicial elections articles for me to read and stuff and I'll go over and print them out and stuff.  I do need to get some TA things figured out maybe today.  I could use the books in order to do this though...maybe I'll wait?  I'm not sure.

I do need to figure out when my office hours will be this semester.  Hmm.


Part of me wants to figure out what I would need in order to stream me playing Halo.  I don't know.  It could be fun.

The first year that we are hosting is from California, so she has never been to Friendly's before.  Or rather, hasn't before we decided to take her there for lunch.  She enjoyed it, from what I got, but none of us got ice cream since we ate too much regular food.  

Afterwards, we went to a nice park that Nancy had been telling me about, but it was James who actually directed us there.  It was really nice there!  It was sort of muddy and everything but after we all accepted that and got over it we had a good time.  Callie was able to run around in the lake and we went on a small mile long hike and it was nice.  I took some pictures which might be up later.  

I did actually have a good time while I was there.  It helped me not think about him and those stupid emails and his stupid face and you know.  Immature stuff like that.  

Though on the way back, since I was listening to Say Anything, it kind of all flooded back to me like it always does.  No matter what activities I occupy my mind with, I know it is only a temporary running away from all the other shit that lives inside my head.  

All the super bad thoughts about wanting to disappear and whatnot have kind of resurfaced in a really intense way.  And I know I should have my medication, but my doctor still has not called me back or anything.  Which is super annoying. 

I've been all fucking responsible this morning with paying things off.  Some student loan stuff, credit card stuff, got some books for one of my classes...I am on fire.  Though I only got 4 of the 6 books I need...I should probably get on the rest of them, but I don't really want to right this second.

Part of me misses the cold weather for the sole reason of me not being able to wear my boots and leather jacket when it is hot out.  And I miss wearing those things oh so very much, really.  I can't wait for fall to hit so I can bring those out again.

Now if only I can get responsible about doing work and everything for class.  Hmm.

Maybe later.

I've had enough responsible actions this morning, so it might be time to have some fun or some shit.


In that weird emotionless state right now where I don't care about fucking anything.  It is both exhilarating and horrendous.

Head TA

Since I'm the only person out of the comparative TAs who has TA experience, I was designated the head TA and...I don't really want to be.  Being the head TA means there is a fuck ton more work than you even have to do as a regular TA and I don't want to, wahh.  But maybe if I take this weekend to start thinking about how we should grade and come up with a template page (aka - just create a master sheet for everyone and tell them to update it weekly so we don't have the clusterfuck of trying to create that giant ass page like we did last year)...maybe I can just take the one we had last year and make it a google shared document so that everyone can update it accordingly and everything.  

Bah, I don't know. 

I'll do stuff today, I will.  I need to rummage through my emails and how we did things last year.  But really, I might want to do how we did with American, to be honest.  The thing with the American government class was that it was more...if you talked a lot an made a lot of good points, you received more credit.  Whereas comparative didn't do that.  Then again, I know it is much more difficult for undergraduates to talk about comparative politics in the same fashion they discuss American, because they know more (or more accurately...they think they know more) about American government than comparative. 

Also I am still on the research team for the thing I've been doing throughout the summer.  I hate to be that guy, but I need to ask if I'm going to continue getting money for that.  Because doing that on top of my TA stuff on top of my own classes and on top of my own independent research that I should really fucking get started on...yeah.  I could use the extra funds just to keep me going.  There will be a lot of Denny's runs again this semester, I imagine! 

Gonna do something today with Callie to try and train her to not try and escape her crate.  I'm not sure if it will work.  Basically, I'm going to skype my phone from my computer and watch her as I leave.  When she starts trying to break out, I'm going to run back inside and tell her no.  If she goes some time without trying to leave, I'm going to come back and give her a treat.  We'll see if it works.  I'll probably have to do it multiple times. 

I've been slacking on doing training stuff with her.  Bah.  

I want to go to the movies today, I think.  Help me forget more about shit.

Really, as frustrating as I find it, Halo has become the thing I run to when I want to escape from the world and not think about my problems and not think about people and just...be angry.  I'm allowed to yell and scream at the television about this guy using a bullshit tactic, or that guy not dying when I clearly shot him in the head, etc.  And it clears my mind of everything else.  Of work.  Of the ex and his betrayal.  Of my lack of happiness and desire to disappear from the world.  Everything.

It is nice.

But I also know it is just a way for me to push aside feelings that I need to eventually deal with.  Which I know isn't good, really.

I know I run to games especially when I'm upset as a way to not face them.  I'll rush to play Halo (or some other game, really...Halo is just my game of choice at the moment) after I start crying while on the way home and listening to certain songs, so that I can just...avoid them.  So I can feel nothing, really, for a little bit.  And I know 'nothing' is not a good way to describe what I feel when I play games, but the almost superficial emotions I have - pleased when my team wins, frustration when I'm killed before my opponent, etc. - do not really compare to ones I feel when I'm thinking about other things.

And those...realer emotions, if that makes sense, are sometimes just too fucking much for me to handle.

So instead of trying to deal with them...I run from them temporarily.  And I kill enemy Spartans instead.

So after finally navigating through security and everything, I made it to our orientation, though...I really wasn't in a socializing mood.  So I spent a good deal of it talking to the professor I'm researching for and I also just kind of hung out with the people I already knew.  I tried to talk a bit more with the first years but I felt really awkward for some reason.  Probably because I was trying so hard to put on a face.  It was most likely more noticeable than I realized.  

Even someone from my cohort, when we were at the bar, said that I looked like I wasn't okay and everything.  Especially last night.  Though it was impossible for me to put on any sort of happy face last night, truthfully. 

I left the bar a bit early because I felt exhausted from socializing when that was the last thing I wanted to be doing.  So instead I took Callie to the dog park, and was able to hold my own there. 

But then I got hysterical on the way home, so that was cool. 

I want the squishable ninja, I think. 

Obama

You know, Mr. President...you make it difficult for me to get to things on time. Though welcome to our campus.

Even this didn't excite me though.

Putting on a happy face.

Also this might be a double post.

Didn't sleep well at all last night.  I kept waking up and tossing and turning and it probably was because shit that has gone down and my horrendous emotional state and all.

I still don't want to head onto campus today and I also just told the first year that I'm letting stay here for a few days that I would pick her up at 2:20, which might have been a bad idea, considering stuff that we need to do.  Also, since the President is here, roads are probably going to be blocked off and everything so it is most likely going to be incredibly annoying to get to the airport.  But I'm not going to go back on that now.  If I end up having to leave meetings early, I'll just explain why and I'm sure it won't be that big of a deal.

Heh, why the shit did all this crap with him have to happen now, when I'm about to start classes again?

I think the biggest thing that hit me was the whole "I tried to convince myself I was still in love" thing.  That really...really hit me hard.  Because it means that he didn't love me all those times he said he did.  Hence my immediate angry response, which although I maybe should not have done, I am not really sorry about.  He should receive a message like that, where I don't/can't hold back all the emotions and everything.

Even though he messaged me and claims he cares for me and all that crap, I still wonder if he actually cares.  I have no idea what his motivation was for writing to me, and I don't even know if my hurt actually hits him in any way.  I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't, truthfully.  Really, I imagine this was all for personal gain on his part.  I just haven't figured out what the personal gain would be, but I cannot think of him doing something purely for another fucking human being, least of all me.  No.  He's too selfish for that.


I can't stop thinking about what she did wrong to me.
I can't figure out just what I did wrong. 
I'll kill myself thinking about the things that you did to me, Molly Connolly.

Tomorrow is supposed to be the orientation for our department and meeting the first years (even though I've met half of them already) and having meetings and everything.  We are all expected to attend and everything.  And...I really don't want to go anymore.  At all.  Because...I don't know.  I need to act happy at those things and sometimes that's really fucking difficult to do and I don't want everyone to see how damn sad I am like they were clearly able to tonight when we were out before.  

Putting on the happy mask is sometimes very difficult, and I know it will be like that tomorrow. 

So I don't want to go. 

Really, I just want to not be anywhere. 

I just want to not exist anymore. 

...Probably should not have responded so quickly.  And while I was typing everything I was shaking.  All it is are things I want to scream.

I do want to scream at him.  I was to scream at him and curse at him and let him actually see the hurt and anger and sadness that is in me as a result of shit that he has done.  Then again, that involves me actually seeing him, and I just have fucking panic attacks from reading his words.

I can't tell if I'm being immature or uninhibited.  Maybe I shouldn't hold back this anger and hurt just because he claims that he is sorry.

I dunno.

It just sucks to hear that he didn't even actually love me towards the end.  Even though he told me the exact opposite way too many times.

I want to scream.

I'm supposed to be going out with people.

And all I want to do is scream and disappear.

That's it.

I'm still going to go out.

But I partially hope I crash on the way there.

Lack of acknowledgement of heart-pouring-out-ish things: awesome.  Heh, I shouldn't have even said them.

fndksfndsjkfhdslj

Fuck.

Grossness

Callie has been having bad diarrhea all morning and I'm - of course - very worried.  Ah.  At one point she tried to warn me by whining and going to the door, which she usually does when she has to go to the bathroom.  Since she had it bad on our morning walk, I figured she might have to do it again.  But she didn't go, so I thought she had just been whining for attention and it was just a one-time deal.  The attention thing made sense, since Brendan and I were cleaning all morning since we're hosting a first year and actually wanted our place to look respectable and everything.  But then (a while after I took her out again) I passed by the bathroom at some point and saw that she had had diarrhea in there.  I cleaned it, and wasn't mad at her at all; she tried to warn me and everything.

I was gagging like crazy while doing it.  This is tmi, but...the combination of shit and cleaning products produces the most gut-wrenching smell.  Holy fucking shit.  I can't.  It was disgusting.

And then I took her out for another walk and she had it again two more times.  I have the prescription food for gastrointestinal health still, so I put some of that in her bowl, but it might be better for me to not feed her for the day, and just give her water and stuff, like what I did when she was throwing up a lot.  I don't know.  I'm going to Petsmart to get her a new antler (I think today might actually be her birthday, too), so maybe I'll ask the vet there for advice.  I don't want to rush her in or anything.  I'll wait and if this keeps up, then I'll go in next week or something.


TA meeting at the pub later.  I love my professors.  They'd rather meet there than meet at the school because "there are too many undergrads running around now."  Also President Obama is coming here tomorrow, so people might be preparing for that and everything.


Someone has rubbed off on me more than I realized.  When I was cleaning, I saw a spider.  I was going to kill it, but I felt this weird...guilt.  I didn't want to take its life.  So I didn't.  Which is weird, because I really dislike spiders and everything.

Looks like Brendan was able to move the wine tour from the 19th of October to the 12th, which means I will be able to go Friday-Saturday for UC's homecoming if I want.  I do kind of want to bring Callie, but it would be more difficult for me to stay overnight if I did.  But perhaps it wouldn't be impossible.  I'm not sure.  We will see.

Might get together with department people tomorrow, including the first years.

Watched the last episode of Sherlock with guy today, and...I dunno.  Things seem a bit awkward and everything, for some reason.

...This was going to say more, but I'm tired and I kind of blanked on what it is I wanted to say.  Oh well.

Today was a sad day at the shelter.

I walked a golden lab named Achilles first.  I was warned that he had a breathing problem because of some tumour-like thing that was in his throat.  The manager told me that the people who brought him in said their vet said he/she couldn't do anything about it, but we both questioned whether or not that was true.  So I took him out, and I realized right away he was having some problems breathing.  I even used a harness with him rather than the regular collar because I didn't want to put pressure on his neck.  He was such a good dog.  He was so excited to be going outside with me and I took him for a long walk and everything and he was so precious and happy.

But then he started acting weird, and the manager looked at him and said that he was about to pass out and everything.  He was kind of gasping and I felt terrible because...I dunno.  Maybe I shouldn't have taken him out as long as I did.  It is hot outside, and he has a medical condition...

I put him back and went and walked some others.  Right when I was getting ready to leave, I ran into the manager again, who I hadn't seen since we were both with Achilles.  She told me that she looked at his tumour-like thing and that it had become even more swollen and pus was oozing out of it and everything, and that it has gotten worse every day he had been with them.  Since she was afraid that he was going to suffocate as early as that night, she decided to put him down.  The only thing that would have saved him, apparently, was a major surgery to remove the whole thing.  The shelter, unfortunately, doesn't have that kind of money, and it would be questionable whether or not he would survive the surgery anyway.

So I left kind of sad.  But...I took some comfort in that I was the last person to walk him and I know that he had a good time with it, because I take them on the longest walks out of everyone who walks them, and I gave him a lot of attention and he seemed very happy...

I know it is for the best, but it doesn't make it any less sad.


Hanging out with guy tonight, though my tummy hurts right now.  Might be because I ate too many cookies when I got back from the shelter.  Oops.  But they were delicious.  Wahhh.


Every time my phone goes off my stomach twists, because I think it might be a response.

Holy hell these hunters are - as usual - kicking my ass.  I don't think I'm going about this correctly, so I'm gonna stop for the time being.  Especially since I'm supposed to be working anyway.  I need to write out a memo for my judicial elections stuff.  I already have some of it written - not that it is very good - but I really should finish it up so I can send it out tomorrow.  Especially since I don't think I will be able to make it to tomorrow's meeting.  My professor changed the time from 11 to 2, and I already committed to walking the puppies starting at that time.  I could theoretically call them and ask them if I could go in at 3 instead...that might work.

Yeah, I came in my room to work and I just played Halo.  Good talk me.  Good talk.

I told trainer's son the truth and I honestly feel better about it.  We might still hang out and everything, but only as friends.

Guy still makes inappropriate comments sometimes and it kind of bothers me.  I told him that when I realized something that I thought was innocuous...wasn't.  I'm much less okay with those sorts of jokes after what happened and everything between us.


"Baseball, But Better" is stuck in my head.


Rereading.

I'm really tired for some reason.  I should probably get some form of caffeine, but I am in the office and have the puppers with me so I'd have to drag her with me upstairs and everything and have her wait in line and stuff.  I would just go to the vending machines but I don't think I have any cash on me.  So.  Yay.

Session went well.  I told her about my response and what I said.  I said a lot of what I wanted to say and I'm happy with myself for not lying and saying that everything is okay when that is not actually the case at all.  I've said that to too many people and I still often do, so it is good that I told him that no, I'm not happy and everything is not fine and stuff.

Got one of my professors to sign the sheet for my committee for my qualifying exam and stuff.  I really do need to reread my replication paper, since that is what I'll be using and all.

Unfortunately I couldn't get someone to watch the pup tomorrow, so I can't go down to Philly for Dropkick Murphys concert.  I'm actually quite sad about that.

This was going to be longer.

Dexter

Some spoilers for latest episode.


I hate storylines which involve exes getting back together.

Really.

Especially when bad things happen because of it.


Headache.  I should sleep soon.

I hung out with guy for a little bit and it was nice.  Though a bit weird at points, but nice.

We went to lunch at Lost Dog, which was yummy and everything, and we just chatted about school and other random things.  Then, I decided we would go to Wegman's, but I couldn't remember how to get there from where I was, so I ended up just driving down this one road for a while and getting us a bit lost.

Now, normally I wouldn't mind getting lost, but he kept making comments about how I drove so far out of the way and everything so...I don't think he enjoys it as much as I do.  I mean, I don't mind and sometimes like just driving around, and I guess I'm used to people who like to do that too.  It was a bit disappointing that he was so...anti-that, I guess.  Not that it really matters anyway.

Heh, it is funny; we got a little on the serious topic that I kind of have been avoiding.  He said he was sorry, and I replied that it was fine.  But then - since he is kind of really good about reading people - he said my tone reflected disappointment and also a..."I'm not surprised and I'm used to it" sort of mentality.  Which is completely true.

Though trainer's son messaged me asking if I would like to get food sometime and...I don't know.  I don't really want to and that is not his fault whatsoever.  Really, it isn't.  I'm just tired and don't really want to do this all again.  And because of those thoughts it makes me have no romantic interest in him.  I feel bad.  I don't know why I do, but I do.  Maybe if I agree to go out I can have this conversation in person and all, and that might be better.  Then again, maybe explaining it to him before anything happens would be best.  Bah.  I don't know.  I just want to crawl into a room where I don't have to talk to anyone.

Tired.

Do I have too high standards for others as well as myself?  

Roommate and I were talking about under what conditions, basically, one should receive funding and everything.  And...I dunno, he seems annoyed/angry with the fact that I said there are certain things that people who are funded ought to continue doing and all.  But I don't know.  To me, those who are funded receive a responsibility that the others do not have, and therefore have more of a responsibility to the department.  And they need to do things throughout the entire year.  So yeah, if they don't do those things, I will remark that I don't believe they deserve funding.  

Harsh on my part, maybe, but his reaction made me think that I'm some sort of monster for daring to say something like that.  I don't know. 

Not that my opinion matters anyway?  I'm not the one who picks who gets funding and all.  And those who are in charge of funding don't exactly ask me either, so again, it doesn't matter. 

But I'm simultaneously annoyed at him for having that reaction against my higher standards, and feeling like a terrible person for having those high standards.  It is a weird contradiction.  Huh.  

Video Blog 1

Date of this was Wednesday, August 14th, 2013. Would have been up sooner if youtube didn't take days to upload it.

Got through episodes II-VIII of Hellsing Ultimate today and what a wonderful day it has been.  I would finish it up and watch the last two, but the box sets I bought only go up to VIII since IX and X haven't been released in English yet.  And I kind of really hope they finish it up; the English dub is actually - as I said - really fucking good.  I might enjoy it a bit more than the original Japanese, because the accents are impeccable and just so fun.  Anderson's Scottishness especially pleases me.

And though I knew Pip was French, I always pictured him as Australian.  Maybe it is the hat or the braid or the combination of both, haha.


Guy is officially in Binghamton, and we said that we would get lunch tomorrow and I might help him move some stuff in and everything.  I'm kind of nervous and all, but I know I need to have that discussion with him, and I figure an in-person talk, even though it might be super uncomfortable and I might have trouble with it, is for the best.  Really, these sorts of talks should be done face-to-face, and I should get over my fears of doing things like that.


Should've done more work today.  But Hellsing just kind of sucks me in whenever I start watching.  Because Hellsing.  It's my favourite for a reason.

Tattoo trial run

I finally put on that temporary tattoo of the one that I'm thinking about getting for real and I really enjoy it right now aaah.  I messed up applying it a little bit, but that's okay, it isn't too bad.  And I got the overall picture of it so now I can see if that is what I'm going to do for real and ask people for price quotes and everything.  And I actually really like that size too, so I might try to keep it around that as well if and when I go for the real deal.

I think I like it on my back, also, though I might think of some other locations just to be sure that is exactly where I would want it and everything.

Trash talk

I should record myself while I play Halo one day, because all I do is just scream and stuff at the television and talk about how 'only assholes use the energy sword' (aka - I am jealous that they use it so effectively, since I have trouble with that).  Actually - besides the fear of getting sexist comments for being female - a huge reason I refuse to play with the headset a lot is because I...really do trash talk.  Without meaning to, though.  It just kind of comes out.  I call people a bunch of terrible names and yell and curse at my screen and shit and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be fun to listen to while playing on my team and all.  I'd get reported all over the place.

But it might be amusing to listen to it, since I kind of don't realize it.  My roommates tell me that I'm apparently hilarious, especially since I sit there and scream about how "this game is bullshit/crap/etc.," and always sound like I'm hating every second of it.

It is kind of a good way to get out my frustrations.  Yet it is also a way to make myself even more frustrated aha.  But I guess with this and other games that do the same thing to me it is a...redirection of my anger.  Instead of being angry at life crap, I can temporarily forget about that stuff and be angry that what was clearly a headshot on my part didn't register as such, and I died because of that.

I have a slight headache now, so I should probably go to sleep super soon.  

Started re-watching Hellsing, but in English instead of Japanese, since everyone has been telling me how good the English dub is.  And honestly...it really is quite good so far.  Everyone has proper accents and it is done really well.  Anderson's might be my favourite so far, because his accent is Scottish and it makes me very very pleased.  I only got through the first episode because I want to watch the new episode of Too Cute.

Going from vampires and monsters slaughtering each other to puppies.  Totally not mood whiplash between those two shows at all.


Also I took a video of Callie getting out of her crate while Brendan and I stepped out to go shopping and...let's just say she is quite determined.  I might edit the video down and put it up because I found it really funny.  Though I am afraid that she might hurt herself or something one day, and I don't want that at all.


Guy comes to Binghamton today.  Meh.  I know I should still have the talk with him, but I'm tired and don't really want to.

Trainer's son also texted me back and I haven't responded.  I know I shouldn't just blow him off...but I'm exhausted and don't want to do anything, really.

Law Reviews

Since I am focusing my research this summer on judicial elections, I have had to wade through the pool of law reviews, and let's just say...the pool is not very pretty.  Law reviews are kind of long drawn out pieces that don't...say much.  They take way too long to get to the point, and most of them don't use any sort of data and just kind of start making weird conclusions all over the place.

My professor actually apologized to me for me having to read through some of these.  But it is worth it, because becoming familiar with this particular subset of literature on judicial elections (not only the law reviews, but the other stuff too), I think I have solidified myself on this project, since I'm now the team expert on this stuff (and that is including the subteams at Columbia and Fordham).

Also I'm pretty sure I've committed to making American my major field.  I don't think I ever really strayed from that, and some stuff has made me realize that is probably where I should stay.  I was told that I could always still become well-versed in British politics, and a lot of times, people who do American-British stuff are actually considered more American than Comparative anyway.  So woo.

Also I have my committee picked out for my qualifying exam, and I was told I should use my replication paper, so I'm definitely going to do that.  I just need to officialize it - they need to sign this green paper and stuff and then I need to send the paper out to all of them and then I need to pick out a date.

Nervous already, what the shit.

I'm fucking shaking.

Just sent it over.  And I wonder if I should have waited or added/subtracted a paragraph or if I should have said something else.  I'm sure there is something I didn't talk about that I actually want to or something, but...I guess now my reply is out of the way so I can stop obsessing about that.

I am still shaking though.


Skype date with Karen (which had been postponed to today) was most awesome, though I wish our internet connections were a bit better.


I have an actual assignment to do for the weekend, so I'll get on that tomorrow, I think.  Maybe I'll actually clear off my desk and fucking sit there.

Okay.  I have something written and everything.  I don't even know if I touched on all that I would like to actually talk about, but that is why I'm going to wait a bit to send it over and read it over a few more times and all.

Heh, it is kind of weird.  I'm treating this as if it is an essay that I need to brainstorm, draft up, and then edit a few times to make sure it makes some sense.  Though now I have an emotional...attachment to this, whereas an essay is purely objective and all.  I wish I could remove emotion from this whole thing, honestly.  It would be so much easier.


I have a meeting today that I really don't want to go to.  I'm not feeling well and I don't want to leave my bed, let alone the fucking house.  

Super quest

Unfortunately I reached the end of the demo for Super Quest.  

But it was fun while it lasted.

Yes, that is magical girl Joe Biden I am fighting.  Aka - Abercrombie. 

This game provided me some much needed lulz.  Now I should bedtime though. 

Still sad.  

Wrote a draft and now I made myself really sad.

I just...I don't know if I should send all this.

I know it seems angry sort of, but...behind that anger is just hurt.  And sadness.

jdkshfkjd

Bah.

Holy fuck this game.

Tommy Wiseau as main character.  Obama is in my party.  I can't right now.

And yes, I am avoiding talking about things I probably should talk about.

But play the shit out of that.  It is hysterical.

I'm trying to upload a video I created last night but youtube is taking forever and while vimeo uploaded it, it reduced it to 3 minutes, when it is more like...36 minutes.  So joy.

Had my session, and was told that it was very good of me that I waited so I could sort out feelings and stuff.  That it shows a ton of growth on my part, since a few months ago, I probably would have crashed and burned if I got that email, and I would have most likely responded immediately and stuff.

So it was nice to hear that I have made actual progress.

I was advised - since we all know a response is 99% likely to happen - to write down some bullet points of things I want to get to.  I will not do that here and now, since I am exhausted and stuff and I'm making pasta since I have not eaten at all today due to nerves and everything.

Later maybe I'll go more in detail but I really am very tired.  I need food.

Maybe later I'll get ice cream.

Also Hellsing is supposed to come today so.  Yay.

Halo-ing

For some reason, my laptop is telling me that is one hour later than it actually is and it is really throwing me off.  I checked to see if the time zone changed, for some reason, and it still says that I'm on eastern time so I'm really confused and shiz.

Skype date with Karen in about an hour so I'm really excited for that.

Been playing Halo and honestly I've kind of been sucking hardcore tonight.  My god this is just terrible.  And Callie at one point pressed the power button while I was in the middle of a game, causing me to accidentally leave it and bah.  I felt really bad.  And upset, cause I actually was on a great team!  Wahh.  I am trying to do some of the challenges; I did one for the campaign and now I was trying to combine another one with an achievement but that requires me to fight Prometheans rather than the Covenant with some skulls on, and they're much more difficult for me to kill.  Maybe I'll just separate the two and deal with it.  Even though it would be nice to kill two birds with one stone.  

Really, I want to get better at this game.  I don't know why I'm so set on that, but I really do.  I'm playing online and I'm trying the different challenges and all.  I just want to get better.


I'm anxious to have my session tomorrow, truthfully.


I should take Callie out before I skype with Karen.

HEADPHONES.  I opened them and yayyy I missed them so very very much aaaaah. 

Also look at the commission I got this year.  The gun is a little small and based off my prop and not an actual picture of it but I really don't care at all because Rip.  She's just.  Aaah.  I love it.  

Idk why but I'm very much in a picture-taking mood.  Please don't mind my face.  I know it isn't exactly nice to look at. 

I need to make my desk more nerdy, but whenever I have time to decorate, I always forget shit.

I have a meeting at 11:30 with the research gang.  Maybe I'll bring some stuff and put it there.  Even though I'm contemplating moving desks.  I love the location of my office, because it is close to a bunch of professors and they always stop in and have cool conversations with us, but...my ex-roommate is there and I hate being in there if he is in there and stuff, seriously.  There were rumours that he was going to move but I don't know if that is actually happening, which makes me sad.

But wahh, I like my office otherwise.


I'm pretty sure I had a dream but it is really fuzzy so I can't really remember.


Listening to Big D and the Kids Table and it is enjoyable overall so far.  Though I won't lie...I don't really enjoy the reggae sounds as much as the ska ones.  That's just a preference on my part and all; the way it is done objectively seems good.  I just would rather listen to the ska punk aspect of them.


Ordered the box sets for Hellsing Ultimate because that is a series I should own.  Because it is most excellent and I want to watch it.

Headphones

FINALLY.  My headphones came back (or rather, new ones came in)!  I'm so excited to be able to have them on all the time again aaaaaah. 

Spent a long time talking about anime and stuff with Brendan, which was pretty sweet.  Though it made me miss things and I don't want to miss things.  Boo. 

Also he told me that the wine tour has been scheduled for the 19th of October, which...is UC's homecoming.  So now I have a decision to make.  I forgot to tell him to try and avoid that weekend.  I'll probably do the wine tour and all, especially since I missed it last year but...wahh I want to go to Ursinus too.  Maybe I'll go down to PA another weekend and stuff.  Or maybe I can go down just for Friday night and stuff.  Decisions decisions...

But I'd rather just take stupid pictures than make any sort of decisions.  

I should go to bed.  Really.  But I wanna play with someone.  Really I just wanna make funny faces and act like a dorky kid and all.  But no one is here to hang and roll and wiggle around with me.  Wahhhh. 

Drive

Back in Binghamton.

My drive back was good in terms of traffic.  I spent it either deep in thought about email and past and everything or completely blank and just listening to music with no thoughts in my head whatsoever.

I was thinking about the possibility of ignoring it, but I...don't think that is possible.  It'd be like me trying to ignore a stain or something: I know it is there and not trying to do something about it will not make me think of it any less or anything.  I don't know if that makes sense at all.

Trainer's son texted me, and I have neither the desire nor energy to text him back tonight.  I feel terrible.  He is a nice person and I shouldn't blow him off or anything.  And I don't want to.  But I also don't want to try anything.  I don't.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of feeling nothing when trying something and then if I develop some sort of feelings - though still not as intense as I would like or anything - they leave.  And I know that is always going to be a risk when dating, but having it happen so many times has made me not want to deal with it again right now.

Plus, deep down I know I shouldn't, really.  Considering the ex situation and the thing that just happened with guy and everything.

I mean...if he is cool with being friends strictly and all, then I'd be happy to chill with him.  But I have a feeling it is more than that and stuff.  I dunno.

I'm just exhausted.

Plus I have a ton of issues that no one should really have to get sucked into.

My headache hasn't gone away, really.  It's rather annoying, to be quite honest.  Especially since I got a ton of sleep and everything.  Though I supposed it wasn't restful sleep, because of dreams.  Some involved me being the head TA for the intro to Comparative class next semester.  Now, that isn't exactly a job I want.  I wouldn't mind being a TA again, but the head TA under that prof has to do a shit ton more than the others and...yeah.  I stress out enough as it is.

Other dreams involved the ex (of course) and sad things.  In one, the girl he was seeing most recently started berating me and I was trying to keep my cool and just walk away.  But then she said something about him also and I don't know why but I kind of snapped and got in a physical fight with her.  Then, after that, he took me to a room somewhere and I fell asleep on a couch while he stayed with me.  And sjkfdsjfkldsjflsd.  Stupid dreams.  Stupid brain.  Making me think of stupid things.

The only good thing about that dream was that I clearly won the fight.  Aw yeah.  (Even though I probably wouldn't win it in reality but shut up I'm allowed to have higher expectations of my ass-kicking abilities when I'm asleep.)

That does remind me that I'm still looking at kickboxing classes and all.  It might be a good idea for me to wait until school starts so I know my schedule well enough to decide when is a good time to go.


My puppy often uses her paws as if they're actual hands and it is really fucking cute.  

I think I caught some post-con sickness, since I've been bed-ridden all day with headache and exhaustion and stuff.  I took a nap for about two hours, which made things worse at first, but then I took some medicine so I'm feeling a little bit better than I was.

My dad apologized for the knee-jerk emotional reaction, which I appreciated, though I was in a mode of not really wanting to talk about it much.

I should have called my doctor again today, but I forgot.  Really...I don't want to.  I'm tired of playing one-sided phone tag, really.  It is getting annoying.  I don't want to, but I really need those meds refilled and everything so I kind of have to.

This was going to be longer but I'm still really tired and my mind is blank and stuff.

I said something to my dad, and now I think I should have just kept my mouth shut.

He pretty much just gave a few explanations for why it was written, none of which were very...good.  And kind of went on this thing that I didn't want to hear about how people like that never change and everything and I know how he is and that is how it is going to stay and all.  While I find his attitude towards the ex very understandable...that wasn't really what I wanted to hear or anything, so I kind of shut down.

Really, I would've liked a "how are you dealing/are you okay?" sort of thing and that wasn't really what I was given and now I feel bad/stupid for thinking about anything other than the explanations that he offered.  Though despite my feeling stupid and feeling like I may be falling into something I shouldn't be...I don't want what my dad was saying to be true.  I don't.  Even though it very well might be and track record indicates that is more likely than what I'm thinking.

But I don't know.

Truthfully, I don't even know what I think.  I just know what I don't want to think.  If...that makes any sort of sense.

I should not have said anything, because now I feel worse than before.

And I have a headache.

Look at this cuteness.

Seriously, I could watch that forever.

It makes me smile.


Not sure why an entire entry is dedicated to this but oh well.

Got home around 8:30 after dropping Matt off at his place and everything.  That GPS took us through Manhattan, which was probably still better than trying to take the GW, judging by the traffic that I saw at the exit I got off.  So, it was still a longer drive than it probably should have been, but it took a lot less time to get home than it did to get to Baltimore, which was...very much appreciated.  Seriously.

I bought some more prints today; a decent amount of Supernatural, one of Korra, a small Kenshin one, a Hellsing one, and some others.  I really didn't buy much but I never really do, now that I'm thinking about it.  Oh, and I did get a button which says 3.14 with the greek pi symbol underneath, and then next to it, it is mirrored, so it actually looks like the word pie, with a picture of a piece of pie.  I thought it was cute.

Also I got a picture of me with Ice Cold Water guy.  I was probably more excited for that than I should have been.  Don't judge me.

Pics will be up at some point.

Also Callie was super super happy to see me when I got back and was apparently a very good puppy while I was gone.  So yay.


I can't avoid it as easily anymore, and because of that, my stomach has been acting up and I've been shaking a little bit here and there.  I don't know what to do.  Nothing I can do feels right, really.

How can I explain to someone who hurt me so much all the emotions that fills me when I think about him?  The simultaneous conflicting feelings which make no sense when put together and yet I experience every single one of them.  Perhaps I crave them, because I have so many times of feeling nothing.  Just like a void, almost.

He has been able to call others his 'favourite.'  While I could never imagine using that term for anyone else that has come into my life at any point since.  And I hate that.

I just.

That email maybe should have helped me.  Yet I feel like I'm in a worse place than I was before.  Because before I had anger driving at the very least.  And while it hasn't been completely lifted...I don't know.  Anger has taken a backseat to sadness when looking at this whole thing again.

Still unsure what I will do...

He has invaded my dreams almost every night since I got that email. And I've read that email multiple times a day since I first saw it because I'm a pathetic loser. And I looked something up on facebook and was shaking the entire time while doing so and I can't seem to stop.

I'm going to try going to just shop and stuff today. It is bad though: I see way too much shit he would like and stuff.

Ugh.

Gonna try to have fun today. Not going in costume though. Sundays are for buying things, which is hard to do while wearing gloves and in a wig that goes down to my knees and holding a giant gun prop.

Convos

I feel like certain conversations can only happen at cons.

Such as talking about gentlemanly dick nipples. As in: dick nipples with little top hats and mustaches and monicals (I feel like that isn't spelt right...). Mind you, this convo happened because one of my sister's friends bought some hideous fucking hentai. Like it is horrendous and idefk why he even looks. It's kinda creepy but it provides hilariousness.

My costume has been received very well again today. I do think it is my favourite costume I've done. Minus the wig. The wig is a bitch to take care of. Seriously.

More later. I really just wanted to post about that aha because I can't believe that conversation happened.

Day 2

So far, of course.

Went to the abridged panel this morning which was kind of hilarious and awesome and everything. Then just walked around the dealer's room before going to a panel explaining how pokemon is a hero's journey and the real mythology behind some of the different pokemon and it was really interesting and fun and I was really pleased to have gotten into that.

Something I'm kind of bummed about: since McKenna's school friends are here...idk I sometimes feel like I don't exist to her. After we leave the hotel room, I mean. Like...she helps me with my wig and everything, which is super appreciative, but she hasn't really wanted to do anything with me, it feels like. I wanted her to come to the pokemon thing but she said no, and I even asked this morning if she would come down to the store in the hotel with me, and I really only did that so that if could just be us two and...yeah. She didn't want to. So I feel like although we are sharing a room, we aren't really together. Like...she has been with me a bit but only when her other friends are around. If I split off from them, she will go with them. So yeah.

And it isn't like I dislike them...I just don't know them that well and they keep talking about college stuff so I'm an obvious outsider. Idk.

At least Matt is here, though he ran off to dealer's room.

Still. Ota was always mine and McKenna's, and now it doesn't feel like that, which makes me sad.

Cards Against Humanity

So I got out of my costume around 6 because it was hot and I'm not so in the mode of needing to be in costume on Friday night. I'd rather save the all day cosplaying for Saturday.

We ran to Five Guys for dinner and I was a bit nervous because two of McKenna's friends wanted to leave to eat but the rest of us wanted to stay so we split. McKenna stayed with me and Matt, which made me kinda happy. We then walked around a bit before going back to the hotel room.

Now, I'm realizing more and more I...really do have issues with body image. I mean I've always kind of known that (having posted a few entries about the subject), but I'm guessing it is easier to notice and all. Since I'm still at a size 0, a size I originally wasn't happy with and one I thought too thin...I've wanted to maintain that size now. So when I think I ate too much, I start saying that I did and saying I will have to eat less later or something and I get super relieved when I'm reminded that I'm going to be walking around all weekend and that will burn a lot of calories. Even while I was on the cruise I constantly asked if I was eating too much and everything. It is weird, really. I dunno. And my desire to remain this size can stem from a few things, I guess; I'm pretty sure I've talked about possibilities before this. But it might be good again to think about that. But not right now.

We decided to head back to the con to play Cards Against Humanity and my god that game was so long and epic and more and more people kept randomly joining. And I feel the need to write what this card was that I couldn't even read aloud: "a cat video so cute that your eyes roll back and your spine slides out your anus." And that was what I picked to win that round, describing what I would bring to the past to convince people I was a powerful wizard.

We think we might play tomorrow night also. Because that was so good. I can't even.

Since we were talking about this: I think a cool expansion to the Harry Potter storyline would be an actual war between muggles and wizards. Like...muggles learn about their existence for real and witch/wizard hunters pop out and a real shitstorm happens. Because idk if I buy that muggles would lose, since they kind of have intense technological advantages. And unless a wizard is good enough to use spells without having to say them out loud (I totes forgot what that is called but I know it starts with an l), then I...don't think they will be able to win in a gunfight. But I might be wrong aha. Idk I just was thinking! I like the whole magic-user vs. non-magic-user struggle.

Anyway...abridged panel early tomorrow. So gotta get up early and put on cosplay and head out.

Day 1

So far, anyway.

I've just been walking around, really. People really like my costume a lot. Like the people that recognize me get really really excited and everything. And many have been saying I died too horrible a death aha. Also, actually, an artist got so excited when she saw me that she gave me a print of Rip for free. After I told her I'd give her money, she said no and said that it has been forever since she's seen a good Rip Van Winkle and all. So that made me all ifjfbjd for a bit aha. 

But now I really wanna watch Hellsing super badly. Everyone keeps telling me the English dub of it is actually amazing and all so I might go through and watch it again but in English instead. Kinda want to do that when I get back.

I've been walking around with Matt a lot, which is awesome! He's playing someone from Persona 4 I think. McKenna has been more off with her other friends, which is a little sad because I want to steal her from them and drag her with me instead.

Some seriousness: I am still having weird...up and downs. I've been by myself some times and when I sit down I often find myself reading a certain thing over and over and gah. I don't know. It just hits me in all different ways and I know I shouldn't be focusing on that and I should instead be focusing on having a good time but still. And I have messages from different people and I should respond to them (one of them being trainer's son) and I really...don't want to. But I also don't want to be rude. Meh. Maybe I'll at least respond to him and tell him I'm at a con this weekend so won't really be available until Monday. Idk.

Tiredness.

Oh I also got a Rip commission, a LSP magnet, and a print of a bunch of cute ass puppies because puppies.