Session went well.

I talked about how I was really upset due to ex's new facebook relationship status, despite me being fully aware beforehand of the fact that he was not single or anything.  I didn't know if it was because when it wasn't there in front of my face I still was convinced it wasn't serious or anything.  I don't know.  She was pleased when I told her I blocked his page, because all I kept doing was rubbing salt in the wound and everything.  The only thing is trying to not scratch the itch.  Even though I really want to unblock it and look, I know I'm just going to be more upset if I see it.

She and I also talked about the very real possibility of me running into him in the summer.  I informed her that I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with the overwhelming emotions I'll probably feel if I ever see him in person again, though she disagreed with me on that assessment.  I said I wasn't sure which emotion would dominate - anger or sadness - if and when I saw him, and she said either or was okay.  That because he hurt me, lied to me, betrayed me, and more, it was okay.  It is okay I feel that way.  And it is okay to feel that if I happen to run into him, because that day will most likely come some day.  I can't avoid him forever, as much as I would love to.

I told her also about my feelings concerning my sisters, especially Dee.  About how I feel this weird distance with her because since I was such a mess during her wedding plans, I just don't want to say anything else to her.  And that I also don't want to say as much to Steph, because what if my feelings will screw around with her wedding planning as well?  She told me that I should talk to them; that I didn't mean to hurt them and I tried the best I could given how much pain I was/am in and everything.  I think I'll talk to my parents and ask them for advice first before talking to my sisters.  Mainly Dee.  I just...I don't know.  She likes to see me in the way I always portrayed myself - happy, easygoing, carefree, etc. - to everyone else, even though I have and have always had problems with my self-worth and seeing myself as anything other than a disgusting imperfect being who can always do better and must always impress people.  And that that inability to achieve perfection and the standards I have set myself makes me feel worthless and sad quite a lot.  I was informed that I shouldn't try going back to that, because it isn't truly me.

All of this is affecting my eating and my work ethic.  As in, I haven't been eating as much again and I have no desire to do anything.  I actually hadn't eaten before the session, and then I went to lunch with Carl because I promised her that I would go.  I'm still having trouble deciphering in my mind that food is a necessity?  I don't know if that makes sense.  And that the self-harm I inflict on myself when I deny my body that necessity is really dangerous.  Even though I sometimes just...like being small and getting smaller.  But the part of me that likes it is the part of me that hates myself and tells me that I am pathetic and everything I do is terrible.  I know it is the part of me I shouldn't be listening to.  It tells me that I can just waste away to nothing and that would be the best thing.  It is difficult to fight against that voice, but I am trying.

She'll be here over the summer too, which I was happy to hear, because I really wouldn't want to go all summer without seeing her.