Really the root of all my anger and hate is just sadness, loneliness, and feelings of betrayal and worthlessness.

And no matter how much I try to mask that with fury and shallow bitchiness...

That's the root of it all.


I sometimes just wish he remained the person I loved.  Even though that person disappeared long ago.  And most likely didn't even exist.  It is sad to think about how much he tricked me.  It's sad to think that I was actually worth nothing to him, and he meant everything to me.

It's sad that I need to insult his appearance and his grades and everything about him now...simply because I'm just so fucking depressed and hurt still and it is the best defense I have.

I was going to write that it is sad I even still think about him, but I need to tell myself that my feelings are valid and okay to have.  I need to.  Even though I don't believe it a lot of times, I just need to...


I'm having a ton of mood swings tonight.

But I'm going to try to sleep.

Hopefully I won't have any dreams of him, because when I do, I wake up even more exhausted than usual.