meh

Every time I see a new picture of the two of them, my stomach drops and my chest really fucking hurts.

Really fucking hurts.  (Even though he does look god awful.)

I'm just still really sad.  And angry.  That's not really anything new though, is it.

Everything that I would say here in this entry is the same as stuff I've said in previous ones.  (But I'm still gonna say it because I'm that fucking guy.)

And all my distractions have not been able to help me.  Or they've come and gone quickly and none have been able to make those horrible feelings go away.  Just temporarily die down, I guess.  But they are revived once I see something new or hear about something and it just makes me shake.

The sad thing is that I know he would be all "she needs to get over it" but...whatever.  I'm not.  And that isn't for lack of trying.  I'm just not.  I would say he could fucking deal with that, but he doesn't really have to deal with it.  I do.  That feeling of worthlessness I've always felt spiked after he did what he did, and for all his bullshit and other people constantly telling me how he is the fucked up one, and he is the one with problems, and he is the sociopath with no ability to comprehend or care about what he did to me, and he is the one who is going to end up miserable, no matter what...I still have trouble shaking this feeling.  That I could have done something else.  And when everyone I know tells me that I deserve someone far better than him...that I could be picky about who I want because I am that spectacular and whoever gets to be with me is lucky...I just shrug it off.

Because if one person was able to up and abandon me, one that (allegedly) loved me so much, why wouldn't another person?

What keeps that person from leaving the way he did?

I have no idea what the answer to that question is.  I really don't.


I try to be a good person (albeit I make mistakes), so why is it that a shitty person like him is able to get people to love him so much while I'm so sad.  Why do I let a shit tier human being like him to still make me like this, over a year later?

Ugh.

And I know he doesn't care.  That dream I had a few nights ago is pretty much reality.