Shallow

I am in this mood of wanting to get in a fight.  There's just some anger mixed with a whole lot of exhaustion and I don't know why those two things added together create this feeling.

And let us be fair; we all know who it is I would want to beat the shit out of, if I could.

I've been somewhat passive in the past few days when it comes to him (I mean...in comparison to usual I guess), but right now the hatred is just overwhelming again and it makes me somewhat wish he was right in front of me so I could hit him in the face with my belt buckle.  Or just my fist.  Or both.  Both is nice.  I'll have to settle for fantasizing about doing that, though.

He does look terrible at least.  Consolation prize for me!  Seriously, at least when he was with me he was adorably geeky looking and didn't try to be all hipster douchebaggy.  I swear he straight up looked guido in one of those pictures and I actually laughed because my god man.  You are now, without a doubt, the type of asshole we would have made fun of two years ago.

And normally I really wouldn't like...put so much into someone's appearance the way I am with him but I hate him first for all the other shit, and now this just helps me feel even better.  Super shallow, I am completely aware, but whatever.  There is not a cell in me that wants to like...make up with him or even be nice to him.  So I'm going to go the bitchy route, since it is a defense mechanism.  If I'm not bitchy like this at times, sadness reigns over hatred.  I'd rather hate be dominant over sadness.

Another consolation prize is him not doing well in grad school.  Really.  You may have a bad girlfriend right now, but at least I have professors who fucking love me and my work and we have a good time and I've been doing very well in my classes.  (And I could hear him saying that comp sci is more difficult and to that I say fuck that and fuck you.  You couldn't do what I do and I couldn't do what you do.  Simple.  It's just different.)

You may have won in the relationship department for now (and I even use that loosely because seriously she sucks.  But so do you so I guess it might work out), but fuck you, I won in the professional department.  And I know it isn't a competition, really, but fuck you it is now.  And if I had to win in either one of those, it would definitely be the professional sphere.

Also at least I have friends or anyone else in my life who don't fucking pressure me into giving up things that I love to do.  That's nice too.  It's nice that I can actually expand my interests to people (even my professors, which is so fucking cool) and they are interested and allow me to love that stuff and don't guilt me into giving anything up for them.


THIS WHOLE ENTRY IS SHALLOW but I'm just fucking overwhelmed with hatred right now so it is just an angry rant.

It really is my way of saying to myself, "you know what, yeah, he may have a girlfriend right now and you're still single, but you are still way fucking more successful in life than he will ever be."  Which feels awesome.