Today was a good day sprinkled with some bad feels, but overall it was good.

I was frustrated during Game Theory, because we are getting into more advanced topics, which means I don't...get them right away.  And with things like this, sometimes I need to go home and do them on my own away from everyone else in order to completely understand them.  But it is really frustrating for me to not understand something in that class because, like I said, I feel like I should get everything really quickly and all and when I don't I just get angry at myself.

But after workshops and Denny's, Brendan and I met with the cohort for happy hour and ended up hanging with some of the second years until 10 at night.  Which was awesome.  They're so cool, and I'm sad that we do not hang out with them more often, honestly.  We went from one bar to another and then just chatted and everything.  From the way they got really excited about the sound of our new place, they want us to host things and stuff, and we said we would definitely do that.  (Also I said they had to watch The Room, because everyone needs to watch The Room.  Seriously.  Everyone.  I would get my professors to watch it if I could.  And maybe I can.  My Methods prof would probably love it too much, aha.)

So I was in a very good mood after that, and then Brendan and I took a quick Wegman's run for some emergency provisions.


Had a chat with him, because I've been thinking about stuff in terms of guy and having him visit me already.  I'm starting to wonder if I'm pushing things too fast, and if I'm doing this mostly because he provides me with a nice distraction from the ex, who still is on my mind way more than he should be.  I won't lie, I was hysterical on my way home after dropping Brendan off, because I don't ever want to use someone and I'm starting to fear (once again) that this is a way I'm trying to make myself feel better about the ex and that whole situation.  Or if I'm telling myself things simply because this guy is really nice to me and tells me things that I like to hear.  Things that fight against the worthlessness I feel and have felt in myself forever, especially after what the ex did.  And I don't want to make that sound like I need a guy who is interested in me romantically to make me feel good, because I honestly don't feel good about myself, even with him saying those things.  I don't, and despite his confidence that he is going to make that self-loathing go away...I know he won't.  Because he can't.  Only I can try to fight that self-loathing.  Only I can eventually get rid of it, if I can at all.  However, having people around who will tell me nice things is...well, nice.

I don't know.

I just hope that having him visit me isn't a bad idea and a mistake on my part.  I really really hope not.  I mean, I want to do fun things with him like our peeps vs. chocolate bunny war and stuff.  

And I should talk to him about all these fears and insecurities and stuff, but I'm bad with expressing my feelings and take fucking forever to say them and stuff and I don't know.

He is sweet to me, though.


Also in good news: my combat boots came today, they fit, and they look fucking sick.  I might not be able to resist taking a picture and posting that shit.