Ignore this, seriously

Good skype sessions are good and wonderful an I'm excited about possibility of future ones.  


Though I'm pleased with skype session and overall in a decent mood, I'm still very prominently thinking about him and everything, and it is really poking at me in bad ways (so it was very nice to be able to bitch about him and all).  I think it is mostly because I missed Airband because of him, so I'm thinking about that and not being able to be there and ugh. It just infuriates me.  

I know I should be over him by now.  And although people are really supportive and everything of me, I still don't like that I'm not.  But at the same time, I know that getting so royally fucked over by someone you were convinced was the one for you and the person you were convinced loved you more than anyone he had ever met...isn't something you get over quickly.  It's just kind of that mixture of feeling so worthless that this person who said all these things could do this to you because that is how lowly you are, and then also that feeling of "fuck him, he's a horrible human being and made me feel awful" and a few other things that makes it difficult to really be over it.

And I know I've said that I hate that he's with someone but...man, do I fucking hate that he is with someone.  Like...I don't know.  It makes my stomach churn in that gross way that makes me feel sick and everything.

The worst part is that I know (or at least am convinced) that he's not truly remorseful.  Like at all.  All I am is some chick he used to bang who doesn't fucking matter and who needs to just get over it because it's been so long and blah blah blah.  (Even my mother told me that he probably doesn't give two shits about me anymore, and I completely agree with her.  And that just...I don't know.  Makes me angrier.)

But.  I don't know if he realizes that although he lied to me, I didn't to him.  Not about my feelings for him.

I sometimes tell myself that I wish I was the one to dump him first.  But I know that I would not have done that.  Because I was convinced that he and I would be able to last through anything.  Because I was convinced that we were in it for the long haul.

Sure, I hate him now.  And I do.  I want him to be miserable because maybe it will teach him a lesson and because I believe karma dictates that he should be.  But...I also think this overwhelming feeling of hatred and anger stems from the fact that I loved him more than I should have.  More than he deserved, certainly.

And for this person whom I loved and trusted completely to turn around, abandon me, lie to me, move on from me so fucking quickly after telling me how important and special I was, and then say that I should just be over it and should be fine...it hits me in the worst of ways.  It is a betrayal that I cannot comprehend, still to this day.

I'm not over it because of how goddamn special you were to me.  Why is that difficult to understand.

I'm not over it because your betrayal was so unexpected that I still cannot believe it happened.

I want to be over it.  I don't want you to be in my mind anymore.

I don't want you to be special anymore.

But in a way, you are.  And that's why I fucking hate you.