Session

My session was desperately needed today and I'm actually really happy it was moved from yesterday to today this week.  Again, I was also told that I can go to her any time whenever I'm having problems, even if I just need to stop in for a chat or something.  I really do appreciate that offer.

I went through a few things, eventually getting to my jealousy and rage over the ex being with someone new. From things, it appears as though she is not nearly as good to him as I was, making him do things I never would have made him do and everything, and I expressed how I dislike and do not understand why she is worth the effort and I was not.  Why is someone who is making you give up something you love and stuff worth more effort and more attempts to be better than I was, who was always so supportive of everything you did?  Why?  Fucking why?  I don't understand.

I was told that basically what I'm feeling is normal and that it is human to make those comparisons, because I'm still in such a disbelieving state that I cannot understand and I want to understand.

And him saying that I just need to get over everything because it has been long enough is really hurtful because it just means that he was genuinely special to me and I suffered a very big loss that he doesn't understand because he obviously did not have the same feelings for me, despite constantly telling me otherwise.  But for him to be able to jump around and have these new people without thinking of me is really upsetting and it just...it hurts.  It hurts a lot.  It hurts more than he realizes or ever could realize (or cares to realize, I don't know).  Because those actions contradict his words, and it all just reaffirms his lies and the fact that I actually didn't mean anything and I don't mean anything.

Plus I noted (and it was agreed that it was) how unfair it was that I am so upset and cannot go down to have fun with friends and everything because he is there.  Essentially that I've sacrificed so much and he hasn't had to do the same, meanwhile he's the one who has fucked me over time and time again and it just...I don't know.

We also got into my perfectionism and how I tend to think that if I achieved the unrealistic expectations I set for myself...only then am I allowed to be happy and am deserving of love and everything.  And that is also incredibly unfair of me.

I also informed her of my...fantasies.  Or my thoughts.  Of doing something bad.  Like in the "if I were to do it, how would I do it?" sort of camp.  And I go through the list, seeing which would be best.  I told her this isn't the first time in my life where I have had thoughts like this, but everything that has happened with ex has intensified them greatly, more than ever before.

We went through reasons why I don't, and that felt good.

Puppy was one of them.


I have to start treating myself better.