I should just go to bed now.  I finally got the proposals done, and I have no energy to do anything else.  Brendan and I gave up on the methods work, and I said I was going to keep attempting it but I'm pretty sure I can't think and I can't code and I can't do anything and I want to just disappear.  Yeah, I've hit that point.

I just feel like shit.

And I kind of want to talk to someone but I also don't want to bother anyone.  Ugh.

Feeling like this is causing me to make super bad decisions like going to facebook and looking at pictures of  him and that girl who was too sad to continue and his new person and all of it is making me feel even worse.  Once again, I'm into that "wow I'm so fucking worthless that he was able to move on so fast because I'm not actually worth anyone's time or love" phase, despite also being completely aware of his fuckery and everything.  And I know I am supposed to be training my mind out of that self-loathing but I just can't right now and it is weird.

Is it bad that I basically want a person who is exactly like the person I thought he was to appear and just come hang out with me and everything?  And we can make stupid little jokes like not being feeshies and stupid fucking shit that is dumb.  It really blows that I want a person who doesn't fucking exist.

(Fuck I just want to be that favourite to someone again.  But for this person to actually mean it when they say it.  Not that I would believe it, at this rate.  I don't know.  And I'm perfectly aware that me being like this isn't going to win me any points but that's why these thoughts are reserved for this blog and my counselor and that's pretty much it with some exceptions.)

I had also texted that guy from the concert but I got a "wrong number" response so there's that.  Which I guess is fine, because nothing probably would have happened anyway.  

I don't want to have to go to the school tomorrow and deal with the undergrads.  How do I give advice on their work when I can't even bring myself to finish my own right now?

I mean, I will finish it, because school is one of the few things that keeps me going, oddly enough.  I feel like it is the only thing I'm semi-decent at, even though I mostly feel like I suck at that also?  Aha, I don't know.

I have no idea why this really crippling feeling has hit me so hardcore the past few days.  I had a high moment with the concert, but overall it has just been awful.