Visit

This entry is going to be somewhat TMI because it will involve some talks of sexual things so yeah.  Warning!

So...I don't know how I feel about this visit from guy.  It was sort of...underwhelming.  And kind of revealed some things that I didn't really like.  For like...a romantic partner.  I could see him and I being good friends and stuff, but I don't know if I really want to keep pursuing something in the romantic/sexual category (of course friends with benefits is an option but I'm not even sure how I feel about that to be quite honest).

He is still very nice to me and notices my feelings better than a lot of other people, which is cool and nice, and he tells me that I'm really nice and do not deserve to be hurt and deserve someone really good and everything, and that I am worthwhile and stuff.  And that made me feel good, even though I didn't really believe what he was saying.

But basically, once he got here, we fooled around and stuff, but...idk he was very...not wanting to have anything to do with post-stuff intimacy.  Like no cuddling or talking really, even.  He just kind of went on his phone.  I did not say anything because I am always under the impression of not wanting to make someone do something they do not wish to do, and that includes anything like that.  But...it set off red flags for me, if that makes sense.  I didn't like that at all.

And then we went to dinner and he said something else which really hit me in a really bad way.  I was joking about how I still have Catholic guilt instilled in me, and he turned around and said that he doesn't feel guilt.  At all.  And I looked at him and said, "Really?  Even if you know you've done something wrong?"  He answered by telling me that he will recognize that he's done something wrong and will set out to make it right, but he won't feel guilty about it.

That kind of was huge to me, actually.  I wonder if he was able to tell that I did not like when he said that.

We then went to the arcade for a few hours and then also hit up Friendly's for some ice cream, which was nice.

I just.  I don't know.

Part of me wonders if I wanted him here mostly so I could get laid.  And then I feel guilty because that would be using him and that isn't cool.  Truthfully I did want to hang out with him, but now I do think I want to back off on the romantic/sexual stuff (and I have this feeling he wants to as well; I might be wrong on that front, but that was the vibe I was getting when he was leaving).

I don't know.

Sad feels.