Food and Guy

Stomach hurts, and I'm not sure if it is because of feels (though I'm not really feeling as bad as I normally do, so I don't know why it would be that...) or if it is because I'm actually hungry, or what.  But the thought of eating anything right now makes me feel even worse, so I'm just...not.  I think I've regressed in the food department in the past two weeks, actually.

It was almost darkly funny; when that guy was here last week, I showed him all the snacks that I have in my apartment.  He commented on how it was odd that I wasn't much bigger than I am, given what I seem to eat and have around.  I told him it was because although I have it, I don't usually eat it.  Really, part of me wanted to be like, "well when you consume on average probably 1000 calories a day or so, with variation (a good amount of time it being actually less than that), for about a year, you're bound to lose some weight, even if you're fucking tired all the time and feel like you're going to be sick so much that it actually becomes a normal thing."

At one point, he told me that he guessed that not enough people have tried to show me my self-worth.  I told him that it's more that I just don't believe people when they try.  And that people have lied to me about what I meant to them (see: ex-boyfriend), so I tend to be skeptical.  Then I felt as though I overstepped my bounds in revealing the emotional issues, so I apologized.  And he responded that I don't have to hide anything from him, and that he would share a lot if I did as well.  And that he would try to show me that I'm someone to be valued not with his words, but with actions.

And it kind of hit me in a good way.  Like...the ex would say these things which were nice and everything, but his actions did and have told a different story.  (Example - "Oh you mean so much to me; it'll take me a really long time to be able to date someone else again."  Heh.)  So to have someone new say that he wants to show me with his actions is really...encouraging, if that is the right word.

I can tell that I'm still on guard when it comes to him, and I blame that on experience.  The good thing is that he seems to...understand.  Or at least be okay with it.

I know that if anything happens it won't automatically make the self-loathing and the sadness go away or anything, but...I've already told him I'm on anti-depressants and he didn't care at all.  Like...it wasn't a huge thing to him.  He understood.  Which was nice.  Really nice.

 
Hoping to look at more places today.


[Edit] - Puppy in the office!  Productivity shall suffer now.  And I'm totes okay with this.