Session went well.

I talked about how I was really upset due to ex's new facebook relationship status, despite me being fully aware beforehand of the fact that he was not single or anything.  I didn't know if it was because when it wasn't there in front of my face I still was convinced it wasn't serious or anything.  I don't know.  She was pleased when I told her I blocked his page, because all I kept doing was rubbing salt in the wound and everything.  The only thing is trying to not scratch the itch.  Even though I really want to unblock it and look, I know I'm just going to be more upset if I see it.

She and I also talked about the very real possibility of me running into him in the summer.  I informed her that I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with the overwhelming emotions I'll probably feel if I ever see him in person again, though she disagreed with me on that assessment.  I said I wasn't sure which emotion would dominate - anger or sadness - if and when I saw him, and she said either or was okay.  That because he hurt me, lied to me, betrayed me, and more, it was okay.  It is okay I feel that way.  And it is okay to feel that if I happen to run into him, because that day will most likely come some day.  I can't avoid him forever, as much as I would love to.

I told her also about my feelings concerning my sisters, especially Dee.  About how I feel this weird distance with her because since I was such a mess during her wedding plans, I just don't want to say anything else to her.  And that I also don't want to say as much to Steph, because what if my feelings will screw around with her wedding planning as well?  She told me that I should talk to them; that I didn't mean to hurt them and I tried the best I could given how much pain I was/am in and everything.  I think I'll talk to my parents and ask them for advice first before talking to my sisters.  Mainly Dee.  I just...I don't know.  She likes to see me in the way I always portrayed myself - happy, easygoing, carefree, etc. - to everyone else, even though I have and have always had problems with my self-worth and seeing myself as anything other than a disgusting imperfect being who can always do better and must always impress people.  And that that inability to achieve perfection and the standards I have set myself makes me feel worthless and sad quite a lot.  I was informed that I shouldn't try going back to that, because it isn't truly me.

All of this is affecting my eating and my work ethic.  As in, I haven't been eating as much again and I have no desire to do anything.  I actually hadn't eaten before the session, and then I went to lunch with Carl because I promised her that I would go.  I'm still having trouble deciphering in my mind that food is a necessity?  I don't know if that makes sense.  And that the self-harm I inflict on myself when I deny my body that necessity is really dangerous.  Even though I sometimes just...like being small and getting smaller.  But the part of me that likes it is the part of me that hates myself and tells me that I am pathetic and everything I do is terrible.  I know it is the part of me I shouldn't be listening to.  It tells me that I can just waste away to nothing and that would be the best thing.  It is difficult to fight against that voice, but I am trying.

She'll be here over the summer too, which I was happy to hear, because I really wouldn't want to go all summer without seeing her.

I really don't feel well at all.  My stomach and head both hurt and I'm tired even though I got a decent amount of sleep last night and things just kind of suck in general for the past few days especially and I kind of want to jump off a building.

TA meeting in a half hour that I don't want to go to.

Game theory homework due tomorrow that I don't want to do.

Book about the Supreme Court that I - despite being interested in that subject - don't want to read.

I just don't want to be awake let alone productive.  But I need to be productive since I really wasn't yesterday nor Sunday and it is just kind of super shitty.

And now I have papers to grade as well.  Woo.

I know lately all I'm doing is whining and shit but I just feel fucking awful.  I really do.  I just want to go home and see my parents and have them hang out with me and everything.


Been reading up on things to do on the first day I get my puppers.  Yay.

I've been watching the Powerpuff Girls on netflix and I'm hit with nostalgia feels and stuff.

I think my sadness has been distracting my mind from recognizing just how much work I need to do before the end of the semester, which is really bad.  I need to be in work mode.  Not 'so-depressed-I-don't-want-to-do-anything-but-sleep' mode.

Really I just want to move into my new place and decorate the gaming area with a ton of nerdy shit and get my puppers and that's it.

I was supposed to have a meeting with the nutritionist tomorrow but I have a TA meeting around that time and it'll probably last a while so I emailed her asking to reschedule.

Didn't exactly eat dinner, just had a snack, really.  Oops.  It is just that constant feeling of wanting to throw up.  But not really needing to.  I don't know how to describe it.  It is just a stomach pain which sucks and makes eating seem like the worst idea in the world.

Really sad.  Don't want to get up and do things tomorrow.

Brendan played a joke on my Methods professor today with some assistance from me and it was too funny. Basically when he submitted his review, he had a joke page in front which reviewed one of my prof's articles with a bunch of dumb shit and was really hysterical.  Prof got a really good kick out of it and everything, and we were all dying and it was so good.

Then we ran around to the doggie shelter (gave some treats and a blanket so woo!), and then to the arcade to play some House of the Dead (we're getting better and better at it aha) and buy some space invaders plaques for decorations, and then we went to that furniture store in Owego.  It was awesome.  There were so many fucking couches, man.  It was insane.  There was a sectional we really liked, and might actually look to get that one if we can.  We just need to double-check the dimensions of the rooms and everything and hope that it'll fit and all that.

We tried to do game theory when we came back but...uh...let's just say bargaining games are fucking difficult.  And the way a lot of questions are worded are kind of annoying and vague and I don't understand what the payoffs are supposed to be for a lot of these and it is really kind of annoying.

I wanted to go to the bar to see if musician guy was around, but Brendan decided to not come with me, since he wants to do more work.  I know I should do more work too, and I could always go next week or the week after to that bar...I'll probably run into him eventually, and I guess I could always just wait a little bit more until trying to run into him again.  I'm such a loser; I should just text him since I want to hang out with him and stuff but at the same time I...don't want to do that.  I don't know.

There's this itch to unblock and check his facebook - like it is making my stomach hurt kind of itch - that I can't seem to get rid of, but I know I should not give in and look.  Because all I'll see is relationship status and probably new picture with the two of them and it is just going to make me want to throw up and make me super angry and sad and I just don't want to.  And yet, thinking about it gives me the same fucking feeling, so I guess it wouldn't be too different from what I already feel.  But I still know that I shouldn't.

You know, when I was thinking about names for puppy, one that keeps popping up in my head but I don't mention as a possibility to anyone is Han.

Because it isn't really a possibility.

It was a foolish, stupid fantasy.

One that I realize now he never really wanted.

Ignore

I'm making food that I really don't want to eat.

I'm just making it because I know I should eat.

Even though right now I'd rather just waste away to nothing.

Because that is what I feel like I am right now.

Absolutely nothing.

I feel empty.

And I know that is something emo kids say a lot, but today I really feel like that.  Just...this weird hollowness that nothing has been able to make go away.  I went to the arcade and had friends with me and played Halo before and nothing has been able to stimulate any sort of good emotion in me today.

Or even sad ones.  Like...I know I'm sad.  Today is a particularly awful day in terms of that, but I just feel like as much as I would love to cry to maybe get some emotion going, or something, I just.  Can't.  I'm like a zombie, kind of just going through the motions and everything and not entirely paying attention to anything.

I did force myself to eat something before...it was really really small though.  Not nearly what I should be eating and everything.

I wish I was sleepy, and I could just fall asleep until tomorrow.

I haven't eaten since lunch yesterday.  And I know I should get up and eat something, but I really really do not want to.  My stomach is all in knots and just feels terrible.

I blocked his (and his gf's) facebook, though I wonder how long I'll keep it blocked, because I've done that before, where I blocked it and then unblocked it soon after and stuff.  And I know blocking it is something I should have done a while ago but still.

I just hate him.  I really do.  And that makes me sad.  Because I never thought, when we were together, that this is what would happen to us.

But whatever.

It hurts that I actually meant nothing.  It hurts and just reinforces my own negative self-image.

So thanks for that, I guess.


Being with you was one of the greatest mistakes of my life.

Gaming with Toasty

Since my real friends are still being all lame and responsible, I decided to play video games with my stuffed cuddly friends.

Dis concentration.  

TOASTY DAMN YOU STOP STEALING MY KILLS MAN. 

Idk man I know I'm a child really don't judge me. 

Skype talkings always help cheer me up somewhat.  And things were said that made me happy and I'll need to think about stuff in terms of how I'm feeling and everything and maybe it isn't so terrible even though it still hurts a lot a lot.

Though I was not pleased when told that his girlfriend is staying at UC for summer.  Because I was going to go down there to visit and fuck you if I run into both of you, seriously.  I'm not not going to UC because of that.

At the same time I'll have my doggie, who will be visiting as well.  So at least there's that. 

/rant

Welp.  It is facebook official.


Hah.


I fucking hate you.

More than I ever thought that I could.

You are a lying piece of shit.  How dare you tell me that I was your favourite and that it would take you so fucking long to be in another relationship and I just can't believe you and I wonder where the fucking person I loved ran off to because you are not him and you never were him and I can't stand thinking about you and I don't want to anymore.

Because you never deserved my love.  You never deserved my trust.  Fuck, you don't even deserve my hatred.

You don't deserve to know who I fucking am.

You don't deserve to have things that I gave to you (/things you fucking stole from me, you lying piece of shit).

You deserve nothing.

For what you did, you deserve unhappiness and loneliness.

You played with me, and I only supported you.

Why the fuck am I unhappy and hung up on you, and you threw me away like some fucking piece of trash who meant absolutely nothing before you moved on within like a fucking week.

ghdfkjghfdjlhgkfdl

I can't fucking stand the fact that you even exist right now.  You are a horrible human being and a shitty person and I just wish there was some part of me was okay with seeing you just so I could punch you in the fucking face.


I'm going to the arcade.  I need to blow off steam and not think about things.

Guess who isn't going to eat tonight probably?  That's right, this girl.

Fuck I'm shaking because of how fucking angry and upset I am.

fsdhfjdhs

Responsibility

I guess a good thing which comes out of my friends being lamers and being responsible students rather than going to the arcade and furniture store with me is that I sit around and also try to be a responsible student and get work done and everything.  I finished the readings for Monday (well...all aside from the one I couldn't find that my prof was supposed to put up on Blackboard and stuff), and I guess I can move on to either the game theory problem set for Wednesday or do some more reading.  I just got the book we were supposed to read last week for American today, so I could skim through that.  Or I can read the Methods stuff I didn't get to last week.  Or I can just pull ahead and read my stuff for this upcoming Wednesday.

Alternatively, I could say "fuck it" to all of this and go to the arcade by myself.  This is also an option.  Because I really do want to go today.  I'm sad we haven't gone as much as we said we were going to when we originally found this place.


Daydreaming a little about doggie; I am so excite about the prospect of having one so soon.  It is really just something that makes me so happy, and I feel like I'm constantly in short supply of those things lately, so it is really good.


Part of me wants to take silly webcam pictures with Toasty, but I'll hold off for now, aha.  I don't know how long that will last because silly photoshoots with stuffed animals (/food) are too much fun, especially when I'm alone because my friends are all being responsible and shit.  

Last night I went out to bar and then a late night Wegmans run with Brendan and his girlfriend and actually had a nice time.  Like...I tried just being very nice to her as Nancy said I should try and it seemed to work; we actually talked and it was nice and I wasn't annoyed by her or anything.  Hopefully we can keep up this sort of thing so that I don't want to avoid her when she's up here.

Today I have plans on doing reading for American and going to the arcade.  We're going to buy this set of aluminum space invaders plaques for our house and then maybe paint them with glow in the dark paint and stick them on the ceiling to our game room.  It is going to look so fucking sweet.  Basically we want to make our house a nerd/gamer's paradise.  Seriously.  It is going to be awesome.  We wanna have people over to play a lot and it will be sweet.  I'm beyond excited.

We might also run to that local furniture store just to start looking at stuff.  I want to see how that place is and everything; since they're local and charitable I really would like to buy stuff from there.


Another new picture and although I had the reaction I normally have, it wasn't as...bad.  Then again, I'm still feeling down so it might have been a "my mood really can't get too much worse even with this shoved in my face" sort of deal.

Really, at this point, I'm still mad because him being happy (though once again I'm told he really is not and stuff) and with someone and me depressed and alone just seems super fucking unfair.

I don't know why I let a lying bastard like him get to me.

Oh wait, I know.

Because of ~feelings~

Which are stupid.

One of my neighbours has been blasting music with the bass like...completely cranked up for the past few days and it is so goddamn annoying and I can't stand it.  Ugh.  I should just go find out who it is and ask them to turn it down because all it does is make my headache feel even worse than it does right now.  But that requires me to find out exactly who it is and talk to them and...meh I don't really want to.

Even though I felt awful the last time I tried to drink, part of me is thinking about going to the bar and having something just because I feel so unbelievably shitty and lame and sad right now and all I really want is a goddamn drink.

I wanted to do a bunch of work tonight but maybe it would be better if I just took today off since I'm feeling so down and stuff.

I wish someone would come play video games with me or something.  Like...'Splosion Man or something, even though I wasn't really very good at it.  I dunno.  I'm feeling sad and filled with old memories for some reason and that is making me sadder even though I shouldn't be because of reasons.

Meh.

I'm really stupid.

Uncomfortable conversations with friends about money stuff and living situations and I'm now kind of bummed.  I really just wanted for us to get together and watch a movie or something but we had business to talk about and stuff.  But I didn't like some of the things that were said here and there, and so I'm kind of annoyed and sad and meh.

Plus I have a really bad headache and everything.

I'll try to read some stuff tonight so I could maybe work on other things this weekend.

I don't know.  I really don't want to do anything, but...I kind of should get some things done.

Part of me wants to arcade, but that requires I get up and drive there.


[Edit] - This might be kind of gross, and I know it is a problem, but sometimes I like the fact that I can feel my ribs and hipbones really easily.  I shouldn't like that, and many times I really don't, but on days where I just want to disappear, I like it.  I take up less space and stuff.

That's a problem.

Toasty

HE'S SO FLUFFY I CAN'T EVEN.

I CAN'T.

HE'S ADORABLE.

AAAAAH.

Things I say when writing a paper

And helping a friend with his.

- "How come everything I write is bullshit crap."
- "Sorry if nothing I'm saying actually helps and is poop."
- "Is it mean if I say that their theory is so obvious and mundane that they shouldn't have even wrote it?"
- (In response to a yes answer to above question) "Don't hate the player hate the game!"
- "Okay I'll try to say exactly what I just said but in a nicer way."
- "You know...that song with the music video with the dog that is animated."
- (After friend uses those keywords to find exactly what song I was referring to.)  "The internet knows everything.  It is incredibly dangerous.  It is why I can sit on the internet and do nothing for hours."
- (Brendan said this one.)  "Sometimes I wish I could just say to someone...fuck you.  And be completely serious about it.  You know, someone like...Werry."
- "This paper is sketchy.  (Brendan)  These authors are sketchy."
- (Brendan) "And then be like 'your shit is weak'."
- "Yes, I got in Limbo!  I get to hang out with Aristotle and Socrates and shit!"  (After doing a Dante's Inferno test thing and procrastinating on work.)
- "We get to chill with philosophers and unbaptized people."
- "You know, I never understood why suicide was considered such a bad sin.  What, they were so tortured in life that they felt the need to do that and then you gotta torture them in death too?"
- "I really have to pee, but I wanna listen to this song first."
- "Sorry, I feel like every bathroom was filled with like...middle-aged women who were shitting."


I might have a part 2 to this or just add to it later because holy hell this review is nowhere near done nor is it very good.

Personality Tests

Instead of doing my work I'm wasting my time taking personality tests and stuff on the internet because those are way better than formalizing all my complaints about this article review into a coherent essay right now. This one in particular had somewhat...concerning results to me. I don't know, the others I took were all kind of things I knew - paranoia, perfectionism, low mental health (all of them suggested things to me ha) - but this one...I don't know. One result in particular hit me.

 There was this one for MOTIV personality results, and one of the categories was'vital,' and its description was "being alive makes me happy."  And I scored 0% in that.

Zero.

Meanwhile, I scored highest in the "serving others makes me happy" category, which comes with a potential negative aspect of "ignoring yourself" and a high chance of being taken advantage of.


And I know these don't really mean much, since it is an online test and stuff but.  I don't know.


I have work to do.

Think about family.

Think about friends.

Think about puppy.

Don't think about doing that thing that is constantly in the back of your mind.

Don't think about what it would be like to do it.

Don't think about how it would feel nice to just feel absolutely nothing anymore.

Don't think about how it might be the only solution in the end.

Don't.  Don't think about wanting to do it.

Don't think about who you would write to and what you would say.

Just think about puppy.

You can't have puppy if you do that.

Really the root of all my anger and hate is just sadness, loneliness, and feelings of betrayal and worthlessness.

And no matter how much I try to mask that with fury and shallow bitchiness...

That's the root of it all.


I sometimes just wish he remained the person I loved.  Even though that person disappeared long ago.  And most likely didn't even exist.  It is sad to think about how much he tricked me.  It's sad to think that I was actually worth nothing to him, and he meant everything to me.

It's sad that I need to insult his appearance and his grades and everything about him now...simply because I'm just so fucking depressed and hurt still and it is the best defense I have.

I was going to write that it is sad I even still think about him, but I need to tell myself that my feelings are valid and okay to have.  I need to.  Even though I don't believe it a lot of times, I just need to...


I'm having a ton of mood swings tonight.

But I'm going to try to sleep.

Hopefully I won't have any dreams of him, because when I do, I wake up even more exhausted than usual.

Shallow

I am in this mood of wanting to get in a fight.  There's just some anger mixed with a whole lot of exhaustion and I don't know why those two things added together create this feeling.

And let us be fair; we all know who it is I would want to beat the shit out of, if I could.

I've been somewhat passive in the past few days when it comes to him (I mean...in comparison to usual I guess), but right now the hatred is just overwhelming again and it makes me somewhat wish he was right in front of me so I could hit him in the face with my belt buckle.  Or just my fist.  Or both.  Both is nice.  I'll have to settle for fantasizing about doing that, though.

He does look terrible at least.  Consolation prize for me!  Seriously, at least when he was with me he was adorably geeky looking and didn't try to be all hipster douchebaggy.  I swear he straight up looked guido in one of those pictures and I actually laughed because my god man.  You are now, without a doubt, the type of asshole we would have made fun of two years ago.

And normally I really wouldn't like...put so much into someone's appearance the way I am with him but I hate him first for all the other shit, and now this just helps me feel even better.  Super shallow, I am completely aware, but whatever.  There is not a cell in me that wants to like...make up with him or even be nice to him.  So I'm going to go the bitchy route, since it is a defense mechanism.  If I'm not bitchy like this at times, sadness reigns over hatred.  I'd rather hate be dominant over sadness.

Another consolation prize is him not doing well in grad school.  Really.  You may have a bad girlfriend right now, but at least I have professors who fucking love me and my work and we have a good time and I've been doing very well in my classes.  (And I could hear him saying that comp sci is more difficult and to that I say fuck that and fuck you.  You couldn't do what I do and I couldn't do what you do.  Simple.  It's just different.)

You may have won in the relationship department for now (and I even use that loosely because seriously she sucks.  But so do you so I guess it might work out), but fuck you, I won in the professional department.  And I know it isn't a competition, really, but fuck you it is now.  And if I had to win in either one of those, it would definitely be the professional sphere.

Also at least I have friends or anyone else in my life who don't fucking pressure me into giving up things that I love to do.  That's nice too.  It's nice that I can actually expand my interests to people (even my professors, which is so fucking cool) and they are interested and allow me to love that stuff and don't guilt me into giving anything up for them.


THIS WHOLE ENTRY IS SHALLOW but I'm just fucking overwhelmed with hatred right now so it is just an angry rant.

It really is my way of saying to myself, "you know what, yeah, he may have a girlfriend right now and you're still single, but you are still way fucking more successful in life than he will ever be."  Which feels awesome.

Frustrate

No, you are not allowed to say throughout the entire time of us looking at places and at rooms that you are going to take the small room and then turn around and say you no longer want it right after we sign the lease. That is incredibly unfair.  We are willing to negotiate about price for the rent and stuff but you suddenly saying "oh I changed my mind" is really really uncool.  Seriously.

I'm glad we are not talking about this right this second, because I know my annoyance would shine through any discussion.


Good news though: lease is signed and house is obtained.  Now I can start looking for puppers!

Filistata

I have this in my head.  The melody is just really fucking catchy.

Gonna try and just listen to music and ignore the fact that asshole has me all sad and not wanting to do anything.  But I have a review to start.


Might go to arcade after lease signing at 5:30.


Part of me wants to just have a good cry but I don't even have the energy to do that.

Bad feels means bad thoughts.  Make them go away.

meh

Every time I see a new picture of the two of them, my stomach drops and my chest really fucking hurts.

Really fucking hurts.  (Even though he does look god awful.)

I'm just still really sad.  And angry.  That's not really anything new though, is it.

Everything that I would say here in this entry is the same as stuff I've said in previous ones.  (But I'm still gonna say it because I'm that fucking guy.)

And all my distractions have not been able to help me.  Or they've come and gone quickly and none have been able to make those horrible feelings go away.  Just temporarily die down, I guess.  But they are revived once I see something new or hear about something and it just makes me shake.

The sad thing is that I know he would be all "she needs to get over it" but...whatever.  I'm not.  And that isn't for lack of trying.  I'm just not.  I would say he could fucking deal with that, but he doesn't really have to deal with it.  I do.  That feeling of worthlessness I've always felt spiked after he did what he did, and for all his bullshit and other people constantly telling me how he is the fucked up one, and he is the one with problems, and he is the sociopath with no ability to comprehend or care about what he did to me, and he is the one who is going to end up miserable, no matter what...I still have trouble shaking this feeling.  That I could have done something else.  And when everyone I know tells me that I deserve someone far better than him...that I could be picky about who I want because I am that spectacular and whoever gets to be with me is lucky...I just shrug it off.

Because if one person was able to up and abandon me, one that (allegedly) loved me so much, why wouldn't another person?

What keeps that person from leaving the way he did?

I have no idea what the answer to that question is.  I really don't.


I try to be a good person (albeit I make mistakes), so why is it that a shitty person like him is able to get people to love him so much while I'm so sad.  Why do I let a shit tier human being like him to still make me like this, over a year later?

Ugh.

And I know he doesn't care.  That dream I had a few nights ago is pretty much reality.

I'm feeling really sad and inadequate.  I hate when these feels arise because of an assignment.  All I'm thinking is how when my professor told me I was a good student that's not actually true and everything is going to come crashing down eventually because I actually just suck at everything and I'm not going to be able to do the advanced coding I need to do in order to get publications and hdsjk.

I realize that I'm just thinking kind of extremely (and perhaps more than a bit melodramatically), maybe...and I guess that recognition is better than usual, but it isn't making me feel much better, though.


I just would like someone to cuddle with at night sometimes.

Tonight is one of those nights.

Coding Assignment

I really sometimes fucking hate working on coding assignments with others because everyone always gets so damn miserable and doesn't want to respond to anyone else's questions and is just overall really unhappy and frustrated with the fact that we cannot figure this out and stuff.

I don't know.

Plus I kind of want them to leave so I could just relax and shit but I don't know how to actually...ask that.  I'm not good with telling people I want to be alone and thereby kicking them out of my apartment and stuff.


But for fucking serious, what the hell is going on with the last problem in this assignment.  I really would rather gouge out my own eyes than continue this.  I really have no fucking idea what to do and it is annoying and I just want to be alone and everything so I could not think about this anymore for at least an hour or so.

I know this entry is full of curses, highlighting my frustration.  Seriously.

frhdjkfhdjlhfdjshl

Derp

I'm usually very diligent about keeping my keys on me.

Yet this is the second time within a week I left my keys in my car.  I'm going to blame it on being very tired (and also being distracted because I was choosing a song to listen to on my ipod, oops).  But Brendan said he would drive me back to my apartment (in which I'll need to hope the roommate is there and because I locked the door I'm going to need to ring the doorbell multiple times and shit dfhsdkj gah) so I could get my extra key.

Also, my leg has been really really hurting?  Like up by my hip; it feels like I may have pulled a muscle but I have no idea how, and I really don't know if that is it.  It is just really painful and I'm trying to walk normal aha.


Have weird feels today.  I might just be really fucking tired.  I need to finish my methods assignment today and call back the landlord for our house so we could possibly get together tomorrow and take care of the lease and everything.

The undergrads have a paper due next week and so they have been really poking at me to help them and stuff and I just...I don't know.  I don't have the energy.  At all.  I keep putting off responding to things and keep hoping that they won't show up to my office hours and everything.  I wish I could just say something, but that is technically my job, so I do it with little complaints.

But at the same time I wish I could just say "hey, I'm feeling especially fucking miserable today, could you guys back off and I'll take care of things tomorrow?"

I do feel guilty about it, because they have reason to complain about me if they wanted to, but I just...I'm incredibly listless when it comes to them lately.  And my own work, who am I kidding.  I need to pick it back up in these last few weeks but I just...I am feeling awful.  Thoughts of all the work I have to do coupled with thoughts of ex and both guys and the fact that I keep being a huge fucking moron and forgetting things left and right is just really.  I don't know.

Good thing is that I...think I've been eating a little bit better, actually.  Sort of.  Maybe.

Went to the bar where I met musician guy, and I won't lie, the reason I did was because Carl told me that he and Brendan had ran into him Friday night when they were all there, and he was asking where I was and seemed disappointed I wasn't with them.

I was kind of sad he didn't stroll in.

I know I should just text him again to hang out or something, even though it has been a really long time, but...I don't know.

Really, I do miss hanging with him more than I thought I did.  I kind of felt that when Carl told me that they were with him Friday night.


I have no desire to wake up early and go to the undergrad lecture.  At all.

More evidence of the absolute awesomeness of my methods professor:

After I asked him about possibly auditing his class next semester, he told me about how he wants his kids to get more into playing video games because it helps build hand-eye coordination.  And that he just bought them a 360, and I immediately started giving recommendations.  They're young, so I said a lot of my recommendations should be taken with caution (such as Mass Effect, Halo, and Dragon Age) and maybe he should look into them first just in case, but I also recommended the Tales of series (specifically Tales of Vesperia, which I didn't finish but I heard it actually gets very good and I figured the Tales of series are usually innocent enough...), and Portal/Portal 2, because they're awesome.  Oh, and I recommended Knights of the Old Republic after he told me that his kids love Star Wars and everything.

He was really excited because, as he said, now he has a resource in me.  Also he enjoyed that I was a woman saying all this because it is traditionally a guy thing, and that always pleases me.  I warned him that I could talk about video games for hours, but he seemed super cool with it.

Why are my professors the coolest fucking people.  Seriously.  I can't.


Now I need to get to work, even though I'm in video game mode.

Review

I found an article to review, and let's just put it this way:

Everything I've read so far with authors from the University of Maryland has been absolute shit.  Holy fucking hell this article is just so bad and is showing the most mundane obvious thing and passing it off as being super fucking novel and making all these claims that either make no sense or are really ambiguous and my god it is awful.

It makes me feel happy, because I should have no second thoughts about not going there, seriously.

Also joy, I should be able to rip this thing apart in my review.  Woo.


Fun fact, also: I have not received any text from guy, which I find darkly humourous, considering we were going back and forth every day.  Heh.  I know I said I don't want to pursue him romantically, but I just kind of find it hilarious.

Ugh I want sad feels to go away, but they're just here and it is annoying. 

Inadequacy feelings, partially because I can't find a fucking article to review for Friday.  All the ones I'm finding I'm reading and being all "...I don't know what to criticize here" even though I'm sure if I could pay attention and actually had a decent thought in my head I would be able to find something quite easily.  Gahhhh.  It needs to be good and then my review needs to be good because I got an A on the last one so I need to do just as well on the second one. 

Also can't get certain people out of my head and I want them to all just go away and leave me alone.   

I'd rather think about absolutely nothing, at this rate.  A dangerous thought, for me.  I don't know. 

I'm keeping a list of possible concerts to go to this summer, and I want to start thinking about which I really want to hit up, so I can start planning and everything.  And World/Inferno just announced another concert in Amityville in June so I'm definitely hitting that up as well.  But I think I might want to go to the Streetlight concert in PA in July rather than the one on the Island in the same month, because then I can hang with Ursinus peeps and gather some of them if they want to go and everything!  (I also want to go to a Streetlight concert in June, so I basically want to hit up two in a month.)  I think Say Anything will happen in the city in June, and we're also looking to go to Of Monsters and Men and Dropkick Murphys as well. 

I need to finalize the schedule.  I just want to have things to look forward to. 

This week I might go look at puppers.  I should sign the lease for the house before actually, so I have an address.  

Also roommate may have found another roommate, so if I ask for that person's contact info, I might be able to get him/her to sublet the apartment for June so I don't have to pay rent that month. 

And I need to remember to get the security deposit back. 

Visit

This entry is going to be somewhat TMI because it will involve some talks of sexual things so yeah.  Warning!

So...I don't know how I feel about this visit from guy.  It was sort of...underwhelming.  And kind of revealed some things that I didn't really like.  For like...a romantic partner.  I could see him and I being good friends and stuff, but I don't know if I really want to keep pursuing something in the romantic/sexual category (of course friends with benefits is an option but I'm not even sure how I feel about that to be quite honest).

He is still very nice to me and notices my feelings better than a lot of other people, which is cool and nice, and he tells me that I'm really nice and do not deserve to be hurt and deserve someone really good and everything, and that I am worthwhile and stuff.  And that made me feel good, even though I didn't really believe what he was saying.

But basically, once he got here, we fooled around and stuff, but...idk he was very...not wanting to have anything to do with post-stuff intimacy.  Like no cuddling or talking really, even.  He just kind of went on his phone.  I did not say anything because I am always under the impression of not wanting to make someone do something they do not wish to do, and that includes anything like that.  But...it set off red flags for me, if that makes sense.  I didn't like that at all.

And then we went to dinner and he said something else which really hit me in a really bad way.  I was joking about how I still have Catholic guilt instilled in me, and he turned around and said that he doesn't feel guilt.  At all.  And I looked at him and said, "Really?  Even if you know you've done something wrong?"  He answered by telling me that he will recognize that he's done something wrong and will set out to make it right, but he won't feel guilty about it.

That kind of was huge to me, actually.  I wonder if he was able to tell that I did not like when he said that.

We then went to the arcade for a few hours and then also hit up Friendly's for some ice cream, which was nice.

I just.  I don't know.

Part of me wonders if I wanted him here mostly so I could get laid.  And then I feel guilty because that would be using him and that isn't cool.  Truthfully I did want to hang out with him, but now I do think I want to back off on the romantic/sexual stuff (and I have this feeling he wants to as well; I might be wrong on that front, but that was the vibe I was getting when he was leaving).

I don't know.

Sad feels.

I really really really don't feel well all of a sudden.  Like at all.

I feel like I'm about to throw up and have an awful as fuck headache and fjdks fuckkkk.

Plus I still have sad feels and that makes me feel even worse since guy should be here in an hour or so.

Also I was supposed to skype possibly with Dee but she didn't answer my text so.  There's that.

I need to find an article for my review due this week.

I realize this entry is just me bitching and whining (as usual, amirite?) so here, have some Lion King bloopers:

Combat Boots (Pics)

As I said, I just did a mini-photo shoot with combat boots because I'm a fucking dork. 

I actually like the above photo the best but my shoes are cut off and that's like...the purpose of these pictures.  SO I WAS KIND OF UPSET ABOUT THAT but whatevs I guess aha. 

Because looking away from the camera is obviously WHAT COOL PEOPLE DO.  GOD. 

I have no idea why so many of my shots included the Riku-esque-hand-reaching-out pose.  No idea.  It is silly.  Also this shot got cut off at the feet.  What the hell man. 

These boots are sick and awesome AND YOU CANNOT TELL ME OTHERWISE.

I just need to break them in.  I'm not used to boots.

Also I forgot to say that I bought myself a squishable.  Got the toast.  Because for some reason I love the food ones the best. 

Today was a good day sprinkled with some bad feels, but overall it was good.

I was frustrated during Game Theory, because we are getting into more advanced topics, which means I don't...get them right away.  And with things like this, sometimes I need to go home and do them on my own away from everyone else in order to completely understand them.  But it is really frustrating for me to not understand something in that class because, like I said, I feel like I should get everything really quickly and all and when I don't I just get angry at myself.

But after workshops and Denny's, Brendan and I met with the cohort for happy hour and ended up hanging with some of the second years until 10 at night.  Which was awesome.  They're so cool, and I'm sad that we do not hang out with them more often, honestly.  We went from one bar to another and then just chatted and everything.  From the way they got really excited about the sound of our new place, they want us to host things and stuff, and we said we would definitely do that.  (Also I said they had to watch The Room, because everyone needs to watch The Room.  Seriously.  Everyone.  I would get my professors to watch it if I could.  And maybe I can.  My Methods prof would probably love it too much, aha.)

So I was in a very good mood after that, and then Brendan and I took a quick Wegman's run for some emergency provisions.


Had a chat with him, because I've been thinking about stuff in terms of guy and having him visit me already.  I'm starting to wonder if I'm pushing things too fast, and if I'm doing this mostly because he provides me with a nice distraction from the ex, who still is on my mind way more than he should be.  I won't lie, I was hysterical on my way home after dropping Brendan off, because I don't ever want to use someone and I'm starting to fear (once again) that this is a way I'm trying to make myself feel better about the ex and that whole situation.  Or if I'm telling myself things simply because this guy is really nice to me and tells me things that I like to hear.  Things that fight against the worthlessness I feel and have felt in myself forever, especially after what the ex did.  And I don't want to make that sound like I need a guy who is interested in me romantically to make me feel good, because I honestly don't feel good about myself, even with him saying those things.  I don't, and despite his confidence that he is going to make that self-loathing go away...I know he won't.  Because he can't.  Only I can try to fight that self-loathing.  Only I can eventually get rid of it, if I can at all.  However, having people around who will tell me nice things is...well, nice.

I don't know.

I just hope that having him visit me isn't a bad idea and a mistake on my part.  I really really hope not.  I mean, I want to do fun things with him like our peeps vs. chocolate bunny war and stuff.  

And I should talk to him about all these fears and insecurities and stuff, but I'm bad with expressing my feelings and take fucking forever to say them and stuff and I don't know.

He is sweet to me, though.


Also in good news: my combat boots came today, they fit, and they look fucking sick.  I might not be able to resist taking a picture and posting that shit.

More Dreams

I had an incredibly awful dream last night.  Again, it was ex-related.

Basically, there was some formal thing that my undergrad was doing this weekend, and so, thinking that he wouldn't be there a third weekend in a row, I decided to go down.  And then there were shifts that you could go to this place in, since we were taking buses.  I ended up going on one of the last ones, thinking again that it would be best, because I was trying to minimize my chances of seeing him and his new person.

However, when I got there, who was the first person I ended up seeing?  That's right.  Him.  (I also remember him and her not wearing formal-wear, really, so I was like "how the fuck did you even get in what the hell.")  He saw me and we kind of had a stare-down for a little, before I tried my best to ignore him.

But I really couldn't ignore him, and I eventually found myself going up to him and screaming.  Telling him how awful he was and is and how much I hated him and how he owed me so many things.  The worst was his reaction, actually.

He didn't care.

He did not care whatsoever about how upset I was.  He did not care about my feelings, or anything.  He kind of laughed at me here and there, which is what prompted me to smack him repeatedly in the mouth.  And he didn't even do anything to that.  Then punches to the stomach started accompanying those.  I kept reminding him that so many things he owned, I gave to him.  I eventually hit him so much that I caused something internal to happen and he had to be taken to the hospital.  And then I was freaking out and wishing I could have stopped because all I could think about what the fact that he had grounds to sue me and he was definitely going to and all.

And his new person was not much better.  She laughed at me, despite my warnings to her about him, and then I remember a physical confrontation happening with her too.  Funny thing is that I remember when he was actually hurt, she wasn't, but then started acting like she was because people were paying attention to him rather than her.

I remember saying that I wish this was a dream because I couldn't believe what was happening.  I was so upset and hurt, and then me getting physical made things even worse.

Gah, I'm not in a very good mood now that I woke up to this.

Luckily, I got a refill on my meds yesterday.

House

House has been acquired today!  

We went to this place in Vestal, hoping that it would be really nice because we all kind of just wanted this whole thing to be over.  And we absolutely loved the place.  It is in a really nice neighbourhood, has a huge basement area where a projector screen is set up, so we might get a projector and make that the video game paradise room, a backyard with an apple tree and it was just so nice.  And the landlord was so fucking awesome.  She was so nice and so fun and also loved us so I'm really excited.  She is going to send us over the lease because we basically said yes on the spot.  She liked that we were grad students and said that she got good vibes from us, basically.  Since we have a lot of reason to keep the place nice and we want to stay there long term and everything. 

Plus they were doing some renovations, especially in the bathroom.  So we'll have a whole new shower and everything and I'm really excited. 

Also, the landlord said she was a dog lover so having dogs is not a problem whatsoever and that pleased me and she laughed when I told her that I had doggie fever and everything.  And she showed me her puppers and we talked about dogs for a bit and that made me happy. 

A grill comes with the property too.  Although it was old, as long as it works, that is all I care about aha.  We can have barbecues! 

I'm so fucking excited.  Pics will probably be around eventually aha. 

Played Halo some more today.  I should have done more work, because guy is visiting this weekend.  I'm really stupidly excited, actually.  

That is a really good thing.  That excitement.  It is really really good. 

Dreams

I had another ex-based dream last night which kind of really really sucked.  Basically it involved me finding pictures of him with his new person at some sort of beach celebration thing and getting really really angry because of it and all?  It was just really upsetting, I remember in the dream.  However, I had some comfort in that they both were like...super hipsters.  Holy hell were they super hipstery in this dream.  It was really really painful, actually.  And there was a video where she was running around with her guitar and playing really really bad "indie" (I use that loosely) music while topless and no one was happy and that pleased me.  Basically they were just being those guys that no one wants around.  But I was still really angry to see all that, despite these small comforts.

I don't know, it was a really strange dream.


Went to health services today to get my tick bite looked at, and it took over an hour.  I...have no idea why it took that long, but I guess I can't complain all that much, because I missed the intro lecture because of it, and it is free health care, which is always nice.

She said it doesn't look bad right now, it is just somewhat big, and to prevent any infections, she gave me some antibiotics just in case.


I'm really tired today.  Probably because I didn't fall asleep until after 1.  Oops.  But Halo is important.

My class this morning said some really ignorant bullshit which really really bothered me.  Like.  I got really mad because of it but tried to keep my cool as best I could.  And then I became sad because to me, what some of them were saying was clear indication of U.S. propaganda filling their heads with "USA can do no wrong" and that makes me sad, because a politics scholar who cannot criticize his or her own country is not truly a scholar at all.  

Basically, there is a Chinese student in my class, and he made a comment about how the atomic bombs dropped on Japan in WWII pretty much ended the war.  Now, I don't believe for a fact that this is true.  We were winning the war in Europe, and we could have easily gotten Japan to surrender in another way.  But instead of saying "no, you're wrong," I did what I try to do with all my students: I challenged that latent belief just by saying that there is a lot of debate surrounding that, and whether or not the atomic bombs helped end the war or not. 

I didn't want this to open up a conversation about that, but only to get him to think about it.  But my more conservative students started defending America's decision to do that, and...I'm sorry, if you defend our "right" or "need" to drop atomic weapons on millions of innocent citizens, and those weapons not only kill so many civilians but also cause lasting effects which are still around today...I question your judgement more than a little bit.  But this is not even what truly made me angry.  Sure, I was annoyed, but that is their opinion, I suppose.  I became really angry though, when I mentioned that these people who lost their lives in Japan were innocent, in response to someone saying that we saved the lives of our soldiers, and someone said that we "were more innocent than they were." 

And I'm sorry, I can't help but interpret that as, "well it is okay, because our lives are inherently worth more than those people."  And Brendan pointed out that basically, we killed around 1000 Japanese civilians (I don't know if this number is correct, but I trust his judgment) for every American soldier saved.  And this person was advocating that this was okay.  Because Americans are worth more than others. 

At that point I did show my annoyance, though tried my best to keep my anger in check (as best I could), because the level of ignorance was so fucking high and I was unable to handle it.  I just said that that is grossly untrue and unfair because every citizenry has both innocents and those who are less than innocent, and to say that an entire population is less innocent than another (and thus worthy of two fucking atomic bombs dropped on them) is really just.  Ugh.  

I was just really disappointed.  Really.  That was a very dominating feeling when I heard that. 

Other than that, day was good in parts, bad in others?  Got my first review back from methods and I got an A, which made me really really happy.  My professor pretty much only said good things, but I think (it is hard to read his handwriting ahaha) he said I made some serious issues seem less serious than they were, and I maybe should have recommended to reject the paper rather than to review and resubmit it.  

However, our game theory session took 2 hours which was ridiculous and all over the place and it really just...made me angry.  A lot.  

But then Brendan and I danced in our office to music, which picked my mood up.  Then pizza was had and when I got back to my apartment, Stolen Babies cds were here (yay!) and he and I played Halo for like...four hours.  We just decided to procrastinate further, which we probably should not have done, but after being in class and everything for so long, neither one of us wanted to do anything other than relax. 

I still haven't gotten my tick bite looked at...should definitely do that tomorrow...

Brendan and I said we would like to get better at first person shooters and fighting games, and he also expressed interest in getting a fightstick.  We were playing Halo (I swear I've played the beginning of that campaign three different times now), and decided to start off on heroic difficulty because playing on a difficulty above what your level is will help you get better.  That and playing online. 

Sleep now, methinks.  Or very very soon.

I have no idea why, but I was hit with sad feels kind of intensely all of a sudden before, and they will not go away.

Maybe it is because I'm tired or something, but I just feel like a lazy and incompetent fuckhead right now.  I don't understand the whole commitment/threat/promise thing for game theory, and not understanding something in game theory is really really incredibly frustrating.  Because I feel like if I should get any methods class kind of easily, it should be that one.  I might have to go to my professor or TA and ask for clarification, but fuck I should just get it.  Why is this particular area so difficult for me to get entirely I don't understand.

I've also just been really...unproductive.  And that sucks.  I should have done way more in the past week than I have, and I'm disappointed in myself for not doing all the things I wanted to get done.  Really.  It's just...disappointment.

And I'm talking to guy and he is cheering me up a little but I kind of also just want to tell him I'm feeling sad and whatnot.  I don't know.


When I went to the nutritionist, we came up with a slightly altered plan, just because I've been having trouble following the previous one.  She also took another blind weight, and did mention that I am underweight for my height, which I knew but...hearing that from someone else hit me.  I don't know if that makes sense.


I need to get my tick bite looked at tomorrow if I can.

Food and stuff

I'm still so pleased with this leather jacket and I'm wearing it around today and it is so comfortable and I can't get over how nice it is and it was worth what I spent on it.

Sitting in the intro to American lecture and I'm extremely bored.  Plus time is going by really really slow, and it is kind of annoying.  I should maybe take this time to grade the rest of the tests (I did the multiple choice, but not the short essays), but I don't really feel like it at the moment.

I have an appointment with the nutritionist today before my regular counseling session, and I kind of don't...want to go?  I haven't really been following the plan she set out for me two weeks ago, and that is mostly because I haven't gone food shopping and everything.  I was supposed to bring sandwiches in every day, and I haven't been doing that...  And I'm supposed to be eating nuts and drinking juice in the morning in order to get some calories in, and just having something to drink in the morning is a hit-or-miss.  I had the nuts one day and I couldn't even finish a 100 calorie pack of almonds.  (Maybe if I have cashews instead...I like those better than almonds and everything.)  And then on days where I have a big (or even just biggish) lunch, I don't want to eat dinner.  I had to force myself to eat dinner last night around 9 (though the meal I had for lunch was not particularly large so I don't understand why I wasn't hungry the rest of the day).

I just don't like going to people and reporting that there has been like...no progress.  Because there really hasn't been.  Which is all on me, I know.  I should try harder, but there are days where I just...don't want to. At one point, I even said to Carl, when he was around and I was forcing myself to have something, that eating "is such a chore" and that I just don't want to do it.  A lot of times, that is what it is to me.  A chore.  Something I have to force myself to do.  It isn't enjoyable or something I want to do for myself.  It is just something that needs to get done.

Really, I wish I did not think about eating in such a fashion, since it is a necessary thing to do.

I mean, I have gotten better than I was a few months ago, and I think my weight has finally stagnated, but I might be wrong.  I don't actually know my weight, since last time it was taken it was a blind weighing, so I didn't see what it was.

What's sad is that on days where I probably ate the amount I should be eating, I feel like I ate way too much.  One of these past days I felt really gross because I felt as though I ate more than I should have and I shouldn't have had so much in one day.  Meanwhile, I probably still had less than I should have?  I can't tell anymore.  My views on nutrition are so skewed now, since I've been like this for a year now.  1000 calories in a day I know is way less than what I should be having, but anything significantly more than that makes me feel like I had so much food and that I shouldn't eat that much.  Plus, the sad thing is that since my caloric intake is so low, people are ignoring what I eat.  It isn't what I eat that is the problem, even if it all stuff that is bad for me and everything.  No, it is just getting me to eat enough.  So therefore, they want me to eat what I like, regardless of how healthy it is.  Because I'm more likely to eat things I like.

Meh.  We'll see how things go today.  I have appointment with nutritionist, and then regular session.


Fun thing though: guy and I were talking (he might actually visit this weekend, so I will postpone again my trip down to UC if he is able to, because I don't know when else he'll be able to come here; I feel bad though, since I keep saying I will visit, and I do really really want to...), and we said that we want to get chocolate bunnies and peeps and then set them up so they are armies against each other.  We're going to give the peeps helmets of Hershey kisses and we'll each command an army and do battle.  If and when this happens, I will definitely be taking so many pictures.


[Edit] - Back in the office and WHY IS IT ALWAYS SO COLD IN HERE.  Even with my jacket it is so cold what the hellllll. ./WHINE.

Also, I feel happy that guy told me that I make him happy.  It was very nice to hear...because I often think that I cannot truly do that for people, because of past relationship and everything.  

And I was very appreciative when I told him some things about what went on with the ex and that is why I am cautious and skeptical about what people say when they tell me how much I mean to them and everything...and he understood.  Like...he didn't blink at all, basically.  He understood and told me that it was okay.  (Also he indulged my wanting to spite the ex by saying we should do something in particular and I laughed and it pleased me because he's not 'let's run from this issue' like I normally would be but more 'let's fucking tackle it head on and fuck that asshole.'  He did also say it was the ex's loss and his gain, which also made me laugh, aha.)

What I feel and how I act is okay.

It...really touched me.

Also, he was especially sad about the Boston bombing because that is his hometown (or it is somewhere in the vicinity) and he has friends who were running the marathon so for a while he did not know how they were and everything.  I tried to cheer him up and talk to him and just let him know that I was there for him if he needed me.  He responded to me by saying, "You might just be the most beautiful person on the inside I know right now."

And I was just...really moved by him saying that.  Really.

Tick Bite

My leg has been itchy but I didn't think much of it.

Then I went to the bathroom and saw it was a tick.  I have no fucking idea how it got on my thigh when I was wearing denim jeans but I pulled it out and now that shit burns kind of intensely.  Holy hell.

And because I'm an idiot I didn't pull that out properly, most likely, and then because I have...nothing I should have in terms of first aid (without going into the roommate's stuff and I'm not in the mood to ask), I cleaned out that shit with vodka.  Which sounds super sketchy but hey, it is what I have, which I guess is better than nothing.

This doesn't mean I won't be going back to that woods and climbing more trees though.  I might just wait for my combat boots though, so I can put my pants in them and hopefully avoid this next time.

Because seriously how the fuck did a tick get on my thigh?


Asking guy if he knows anything about what to do because I'm an idiot when it comes to this stuff aha.

Park (Pics ahead)

Carl, Brendan and I went to the park that my counselor told me about, and it was way too much fun.  I forgot how much I love climbing trees and being outdoors and just having a good time.  I've been cooped up inside so much that I completely forgot how nice weather and some time outside with friends and just acting like children could be great for my mood.

First we went for a walk through the woods, climbing trees and just acting silly:

This was before I actually figured out the best way to climb this particular tree.  

TREES.  CLIMBING TREES.  I want to climb more and climb higher and everything!  I love doing this way too much. 

The rest of the pics are on facebook, but we also swung and just acted like children and it was perfect.  We want to go back and play on the playground (specifically the floor is lava); we would have done it then but...there were lots of kids around and we didn't want to seem like creepers, aha.  So we figure one day we'll go back later at night and play!  Also we want to take the department and go play manhunt, because manhunt is fun as hell and in that park it would be amazing.  It'll be awesome. 

Also, my jacket came today and it looks so awesome and is so comfy and I'm so pleased with it and it was such a good purchase. 

Now I just need my combat boots also.  Aw yeah.  So excite. 

Pizza

Went to lunch with Carl and his friend and through them, finally found a pizzeria that I can go to and really enjoy because that pizza was very very good.  It is an entire Italian restaurant too, actually, and it so maybe one day I'll go for the other meals and see how they are.  But even if the rest of the food sucks, that pizza was very good, especially for up here.  It is a little far from my apartment now, but maybe it won't be, depending on where I will live next.  And either way I don't think it matters.  I have been shown a good pizzeria.  So I can get pizza.

This is a huge discovery.  I've been wanting a good pizzeria since I got up here, seriously.

Skyped with Karen this morning, which was awesome.  I miss her, but I'm glad she got a new job and new apartment and everything over in South Korea.  She seems to be enjoying it a little more now than she was before, which makes me happy!

Having less work than normal is really really damaging to my productivity, holy hell.  I need to get back into the groove, but I haven't been able to for the past few days.  Meh.


Does anyone else ever have it where they stand up or something and their vision goes completely black for a few seconds or so?  Like it creeps in and then is black for a little before slowly fading again?  My friends tell me that's not normal, but I can't be the only one where shit like that happens, right?  Because it happens a lot, actually.


Part of me wants to talk to Brendan about how his girlfriend treats me but I know that conversation will be really awkward and everything and I wonder if I should just ignore it.  Because I don't want him to dislike me or anything, and I know if I set up an arena of me against her (which isn't my goal, honestly), he will go to her side.  But at the same time...I hate being around her whenever she is here, because she just...is awful to me.  And I can't stand her at all.  I don't know if he realizes it or not.

Maybe I can go all middle school and have Carl talk to him?  Just because...meh.  I'm a child.

So the evening started off really well, and ended less than spectacularly.

After movie, Carl and his friend came over.  I really think his friend is a lot of fun, so that's good.  We cooked some chicken cutlets, fries, and corn and had a nice meal (which is such a change for me, aha).  Then we sat around and talked, and started playing Kings.  At first I started with just soda, and then I decided to try just one drink, because I miss actually drinking and I didn't have my meds today.  (It ended up being not a very good idea, since now my stomach hurts and it was worse before but hey...I tried.)

We were trying to get Brendan to come over, and I could tell that he wanted to probably come over, but his girlfriend didn't.  Remember when I said she was kind of getting better?  Yeah no.  That day must have been a fluke, because once again I was ignored and shit once she got here.  Basically the entire time she kind of let everyone know that she would rather be somewhere else.  She repeatedly told Carl - specifically saying his name and ignoring the fact that I exist and am part of the trio group of friends - that they should leave and go to a bar rather than stay at my place.  And this was said numerous times.  Then she got hungry and repeatedly let us know, and ignored me when I told her I had stuff and she could have that if she wanted.  But she wanted to leave to get food, and that was it.  Also let us all know that repeatedly.

And she was just super fucking obnoxious while we were playing Apples to Apples once we finished Kings and I just.  I don't know.  I just find her incredibly selfish and stuff.  Like if she's not doing what she wants to do, even if the person she's with would want to do it, she just makes it awful (I might also really dislike this trait in particular because it reminds me of the ex and everything and it just sickens me).

I don't know.  When she's around I just feel fucking awful.  I know I've used this simile before, but when she's around I just feel like a tumour and that I'm so weird and stuff.  She did at one point show me a picture of a puppy, but that was really one of the few interactions we had all night.

They ended up leaving around one and went to a bar.  I didn't want to go because I really didn't want to be around her anymore, and you know...the whole going to bars thing isn't as fun now that I can't drink.  And I tried and wasn't feeling well either so.  Yeah.  Bleh.  Probably for the best too, since I'm tired as anything now.


I've been thinking about how fun it would be to go to UC and grab friends from there and go to Hershey Park or something on a weekend.  I don't know if it is open next weekend, otherwise I'd ask about then if people were interested in going.  I'll still think about it.

I need to do Game Theory or something tomorrow.

Movies and Music

I officially need a new CD case for my car.  I've filled up the one I bought a few months ago.  I think it holds like...70-75 cds?  So yeah, I should probably get on getting another one soon.  Maybe I can start putting things in alphabetical order?  Only problem with that is when I get a new one, I then need to push everything after that back and that's kind of annoying.  Right now, things are grouped, but not alphabetized.

Speaking of, I want to get the two Stolen Babies albums, probably off their own website.  I really like the idea of buying stuff in order to support the artists, especially when they're still somewhat underground and everything.  (I've gotten very "I won't download illegally" now not so much because I'm afraid of getting caught, but more now because I feel like I should support them in any way I can.  They play amazing stuff, so they deserve my money.)  And I know I should buy off the artist's website and not necessarily amazon.  And go to many many shows.  (Which I want to do.)  These guys are much more metal-sounding than I usually listen to, and much more screamy, but I'm liking it.  It might also have to do with the fact that I saw them live first, but they're just different from what I normally do, and I like it!

Saw Evil Dead (the remake) with Carl and his friend and it wasn't really scary?  Just kind of really gross, in my opinion.  It had a few moments of scariness, but it was kind of predictable in that it has cliched horror movie moments.  But it wasn't terrible; I did enjoy myself.  Though that might be attributed to the fact that during horror movies, I just make fun of everyone because they do some stupid fucking shit.  Carl and I probably were really annoying actually, because we made so many comments and all.  I thought it was hilarious though, so I don't care at all.  I'm only really really like that during horror movies (unless I've seen the movie before aha then it can be any of them).

I'm also the "friend who is obsessed with puppies."  That is the best description of me anyone could possibly say, in my opinion.

I decided it would be best for me to not go down to UC this weekend, since I really do not want to run the risk of seeing the ex and freaking out because of it and everything.  Maybe I can head down next weekend or something, because if he seriously goes there three weekends in a row, he has some messed up priorities.

Also the house which was in Binghamton was offered to another group.  Apparently we were going to get it, because we are awesome, but this other group offered way more money for it and so they were chosen.  Bleh.  So uncool.  But we still have time to find a place we really like and everything, so we might run out and look at a place this weekend or something.  I'm really unsure as to when things are going on aha.

Gonna try and get work done today.  If I stay ahead of the game, then I could have easier finals weeks and everything and that would be so fucking nice, seriously.


If the bass in your car is so loud that I can hear and feel it in my second-floor apartment, you're a douche and should reevaluate your life.


"You are nice.  You are pretty.  And you deserve someone nice.  Unfortunately, you've got me.  But in the meantime, I'd like to make up for the lack of happiness in your life of late."

Talked with my momma and she helped me feel a little bit better for the time being.

She said she would like it if I didn't go down to UC tomorrow, knowing how angry I am and fearing the high probability I would run into the ex if I went.  And she has a very very good point.  Again, I'm faced with the dilemma I had to think about last week: if I go and do not see him, it will be fantastic.  I'll hang with awesome people and have a really good time.  However, if I bump into him, not only could it make my weekend worse, it could potentially have bad consequences for during the week as well.

I said I would think about it a little more - because I really really want to see other people and I hate the fact that once again I might end up just fucking hiding up here in Binghamton because he is down there - and she told me that whatever I choose to do, she hopes I have a fun weekend.


But that guy and I have still been texting nonstop and he is just really really sweet.  And when I told him that I might have trouble with emotions and stuff because I tend to be very shut in with them, especially after being so effectively destroyed for a long time, he told me that that was okay.  That I could be a shut-in and I could hide as much as I needed to.  That he doesn't want to pressure me into anything, but know that he just wants to be kind to me and doesn't want to hurt or burn me or anything.

And I really appreciated that.

Even though I am still somewhat guarded.

Experience has taught me to be, honestly.

But...I do like texting him a lot.

I won't be able to get my jacket until Monday and now I'm super fucking unhappy because I want to go to Ursinus and see people but I still don't want to see the ex.  But even more I think I hate that I can be excited about the possibility of doing something and then all I need to hear is that he is going to be there and I feel sick and angry because fuck you why do you get to go every goddamn weekend and I can't go at all what the hell.

Of course I could just suck it up and say "fuck you I'm going anyway" and ignore him and his stupid hair and stupid girlfriend and just enjoy my time with friends that I want to see.  And I might do that because...seriously.  This isn't fair.  It isn't fair that he gets to go and have fun with people (and he certainly doesn't deserve to go and have so many people have fun with him and everything) and I stay around and miss out on stuff because he is around.

I'll think about it tonight and everything.  I wouldn't want to go until tomorrow anyway, since I should get stuff done now.

I might call my parents and ask them for their opinions.  Because...fuck.

I just wish I had my damn jacket, seriously.

Someone was here to deliver my jacket but I wasn't here so they couldn't leave it, probably because of how expensive it is and everything.  So I think I might try to just see if a location is close enough where I can pick it up, otherwise I need to wait until Monday, and they are just going to put the package in front of my door and with something like that...I think I would rather just get it myself.

I'm not in a very good mood right now, and it might be a combination of little sleep and having to listen to my roommate give a workshop presentation.  Ugh.  It was just.  Ugh.  

And I ended up skipping out on the bar because everyone drinks and I can't and then I have to field questions as to why I'm not and I just wasn't in the mood to deal with that. 

Good news is that I might actually go down to Ursinus tomorrow, since a really good friend of mine is visiting from Washington.  I guess she's on break or something?  I'm still debating, because I should get some more work done this weekend, but maybe if I do enough today, I can go without feeling guilty?  I don't know.

Plus I feel safe in going this weekend if I choose to do that.  The ex was just there last weekend, so he probably wouldn't be there this weekend at all.


[Edit] - Was just informed that the ex is going to be at UC this weekend and I want to scream.  Seriously?  What the fuck.  No wonder you're doing shitty in grad school, if you go to your fucking undergrad institution every goddamn weekend.

UGH I AM SO DISPLEASED.  Now I need to think about this.  Ugh.  Ughughugh. 

So we saw another house today, this one being the one with the pool.  And while it is really big and has an awesome yard and we could probably easily get five people in there if we wanted, they do not allow dogs.  And that is a huge dealbreaker for me.  So we might pull the "you know we're really interested in it but only if we can have a dog" or something like that.  It is in a great location and really spacious.  The cabinets and counters in the kitchen were a bit dated, but we also figured that we could fix some stuff up to make things nicer if we get them to budge on the dog issue.

We're all torn on which place we want.  We might try to look at even more places.

I bought four albums just because I wanted to today.  Two more Say Anything and two more Bouncing Souls.  I should get Stolen Babies so I can listen to them too.  They're more metal than anything else I have in my library right now, but I really liked them live, so I think I should also really like them on the cd.

We're reading this book for American which we all fucking hate.  The author is just taking leaps in logic and at one point completely seems to ignore that the Great Depression even happened and it is just...not good.  At least non of us think so.  And we saw that he is a professor at the University of Maryland.

I won't lie, I got super excited because I was all, "holy shit UMD fucking sucks, given who else goes there!"

I'm glad I have friends who will indulge those sort of comments from me, ha.

Binghamton >>>>>> UMD.  We all know it, man.  We all fucking know it. :D

Food and Guy

Stomach hurts, and I'm not sure if it is because of feels (though I'm not really feeling as bad as I normally do, so I don't know why it would be that...) or if it is because I'm actually hungry, or what.  But the thought of eating anything right now makes me feel even worse, so I'm just...not.  I think I've regressed in the food department in the past two weeks, actually.

It was almost darkly funny; when that guy was here last week, I showed him all the snacks that I have in my apartment.  He commented on how it was odd that I wasn't much bigger than I am, given what I seem to eat and have around.  I told him it was because although I have it, I don't usually eat it.  Really, part of me wanted to be like, "well when you consume on average probably 1000 calories a day or so, with variation (a good amount of time it being actually less than that), for about a year, you're bound to lose some weight, even if you're fucking tired all the time and feel like you're going to be sick so much that it actually becomes a normal thing."

At one point, he told me that he guessed that not enough people have tried to show me my self-worth.  I told him that it's more that I just don't believe people when they try.  And that people have lied to me about what I meant to them (see: ex-boyfriend), so I tend to be skeptical.  Then I felt as though I overstepped my bounds in revealing the emotional issues, so I apologized.  And he responded that I don't have to hide anything from him, and that he would share a lot if I did as well.  And that he would try to show me that I'm someone to be valued not with his words, but with actions.

And it kind of hit me in a good way.  Like...the ex would say these things which were nice and everything, but his actions did and have told a different story.  (Example - "Oh you mean so much to me; it'll take me a really long time to be able to date someone else again."  Heh.)  So to have someone new say that he wants to show me with his actions is really...encouraging, if that is the right word.

I can tell that I'm still on guard when it comes to him, and I blame that on experience.  The good thing is that he seems to...understand.  Or at least be okay with it.

I know that if anything happens it won't automatically make the self-loathing and the sadness go away or anything, but...I've already told him I'm on anti-depressants and he didn't care at all.  Like...it wasn't a huge thing to him.  He understood.  Which was nice.  Really nice.

 
Hoping to look at more places today.


[Edit] - Puppy in the office!  Productivity shall suffer now.  And I'm totes okay with this.

"You're sweet.  You're nice.  You're utterly adorable when you're scared of opening up emotionally and you turn your head away."

I.  I am really touched, honestly.  This guy and I have been texting every day and he's just been so sweet to me and everything.

And he noticed like...immediately that I have issues with finding self-worth and has already said that he wants to help me realize that I'm someone to be valued.

It is...really nice.

He's really awesome.


[Edit] - Nope, a small physical reaction upon having that stupid picture shoved in my face will not make me sad!  And I'm not just saying that, actually.  Which is awesome.  (Also, you're both annoying little hipster-wannabe shits, so...that helps. :P )

Also maybe these boots.  I'm still debating on which I want.  Those look badass.  A little too tall, maybe?  I don't know.  Also hot topic.

Apartments and Such

First off, Brendan and I have achieved Denny's recognition.  As in, we've gone there so much that the waitresses know what we order and know that we don't need menus and will chat with us and everything.  And this is a big thing in our eyes!  Because we're like that and we're super lame but also awesome.

I showed Brendan and Carl the show Too Cute today.  We ended up watching I think three episodes.  Because it is so goddamn adorable and so you can't just watch one.

Then we went to see two houses, one in Binghamton and one in Endicott.  I'm kind of torn on which I like better; I liked the location of the Binghamton one, and I liked that it had a fenced in yard for my puppers, but the one in Endicott had much bigger rooms and is cheaper overall.  I am hoping that we will be able to look at the place with the pool in Vestal, though we joke and say that house actually doesn't exist, because it seems so perfect and everything and yet we cannot seem to get a hold of anyone to go see it.  It's kind of annoying because dammit, I want that place, even though we would need to find a fourth person.


I don't know how to tell my friends that I don't want them to leave because I don't want to be alone.  Because when I'm alone I start thinking of sad things and I would rather avoid that.

I was going to do some reading but...I might just keep watching puppies, honestly.  Puppies make me happy.