Ugh why is this happening

Stop it, self.  Stop it.

Stop thinking about him.  Stop wanting to watch videos of him playing in stupid tournaments just because some idiotic part of your brain keeps telling you that you miss that and everything.

You don't miss him.  You hate him.  It makes no fucking sense to simultaneously hate and miss someone.

Besides, you don't miss him, really.  You miss the idealized version of him that never existed.  Right?  Right.

I wish there was a fucking pill to just make this go away.  Seriously.  I'm sick of trying and then even a good day is fucking ruined because I stupidly decided to do something that reminded me of the past and made me sad and fuck.

Just go away.  Leave me alone.  Why the fuck are you still in in my head?  As hard as I try to fucking expel you from my mind, nothing seems to work.  You're always there.  I don't want you there anymore!

So why is it that I can't get rid of you..

I'm sure if he knew this it might just fucking inflate his ego or something, because a depressed fucking loser he used to date still has strong feelings for him, negative as they are.

I don't want to think about him.  I don't want to think about the things he's done.  I don't want to think about the fact that he is with another person, the second one since me.  I don't want to think about who he was.  I don't want to think about us, and what we were.  I don't want to think about what could have been.  I don't want to think about Han or Zorua or hippo-monster or anything like that that he probably doesn't remember or care about now.

I don't want to think about any of it.  I don't want to miss any of it!

I just want to hate him.  And nothing else.  No other feelings.  Just hate and anger.

So when other feelings start popping up again, I don't know what to do...

Besides just try and push them down again.