Paranormal Distribution

Our professor put this little thing in our slides today, which I liked.  Paranormal distribution is super cute.

Though ha, that lighthearted thing is going to contrast with the things I plan on talking about in this.

My medication still wasn't in, so I need to call back tomorrow.  It sucks, because I feel like I really need it today.  Right now, especially.  I'm just feeling down and everything and I kind of want to hide in my bed and do nothing but I have so much work that...well doing that isn't a luxury I can afford at the moment.

I am so filled with anger that it really is just starting to hurt.  Or rather, it has hurt for a while, but it is starting to become even more so.  Anger at my ex, at my roommate, at members of my cohort, at the professor I'm TAing for, at myself...  There's just so much of it, and I would rather be fucking emotionless than deal with all of it right now.

Once again, I ended up not eating until late.  It was around 4:30 when we finally left to get food, and now I feel absolutely sick, making me think I should've just not eaten at all.  I felt better before.  Though, I'm starting to think more and more about the not eating thing.

I know I've been going a lot to people to fix it, and I am trying a lot of times.  But...there are times where I don't try.  I make excuses for it, but deep down, as much as I don't want to acknowledge it, I don't try sometimes.  A lot of times.  And I'm starting to think about the reasons why I don't.  The psychological reasons that are hidden but still very much there.

When I look at myself, I don't see a person who deserves to be happy.  I'm trying to see myself as that, but deep down I still do not.  I see a pathetic individual who isn't good enough at anything she tries.  Who is never really going to get better.  Who is a fucking loser who can't even get over someone she knows is a fucking awful person.  Who thinks that maybe I deserve everything bad that has happened to me, really.  Who deserves to have someone she loved more than she could have imagined lie to her and replace her and forget about her and move on from her so fucking quickly even after telling her so many wonderful things.

(Ha, sometimes I wonder if he was actually perfect for me, simply because he was horrible to me.  Even though I hate him and he is a big reason for much of the anger I still hold.)

Deep down, I still sometimes see myself as a person who deserves to suffer.

I wish I didn't.  I don't want to see myself like that.  But training my mind out of that is so difficult and I find that even though I try, I sometimes really cannot see myself as anything other than what I have always seen myself as.  Even after repeating the compliments from my friends and family and everything...I don't see it.  I don't.  I wish I did.  Because then maybe I wouldn't be so sad, and I wouldn't think I deserved suffering.

And I wonder if that is why I don't eat a lot of times.  Yes, much of the time it is because I am not hungry.  It started because my nerves messed with my stomach so much that I physically could not eat without feeling ill.

But I wonder if when I choose not to eat, or avoid situations where I would be forced to eat, it is because a part of me actually wants to not.  That I see myself shrinking in size and, although half of me is frightened by that, the other half likes it.  That I'm just...shrinking away.  It is a way to make me suffer without actually hurting myself, which I fear doing.

Though as I write all this, I am still frightened.  I was thinking about it earlier and it scared me.  It scares me.  I don't like it.  I guess that fear is why I keep trying to get help, honestly.

I really wish I could go to Nancy right now.  I just want to talk about this stuff.  


I have a ton of work, and no desire to do any of it right now.  Maybe I'll wait a half hour or something.