I'm so bitter ahaha

My emotions are so fucking weird today.

Though, Allison, you should expect to get pissed when you start looking at pictures of you and then pictures of him and still seeing ones with both of you and it makes you seethe and forms that ugly as fuck knot in your stomach because of how much you hate him and how much you want to punch him repeatedly in the throat until he hyperventilates in the same fashion his actions caused you to on so many occasions.

(God, I was doing kind of well not talking/thinking about him so much today.  What the hell was I like "WELL FUCK IT'S 11:30 THE DAY IS ALMOST OVER SO I GOTTA GET MY HATE ON," or something?  Jesus fuck.)

Whatever.  Since he's on the second girl (serious, anyway; I'm sure there have been plenty others besides that) it should just kind of reinforce the idea that he's not worth anything and that everything he told me was bullshit.  Like...I don't know.  It kind of is that, while also reinforcing the 'I'm really fucking worthless,' idea.  The path I take I guess depends on my level of self-loathing that day.

When I said how unfair it seemed to me that he can get these people to love him even though his actions show a selfish individual and yet I am lonely and everything, it was remarked by several that it is probably because I'm less okay with using people just to make myself feel better.  That even with the first person I tried stuff with after him, I felt guilty because I knew I didn't really like him and that I was afraid I was using him to feel better about this whole situation.

I don't know.  It still seems unfair to me.

And yet I know that I wouldn't jump into a relationship right now anyway?  Probably no matter what.  I don't have the mental capacity to handle that right now.  Ha, I'm too fucked up, really.  No one wants to deal with that, and it is extremely unfair of me to throw that on anyone else.

Still though, I find that sometimes I just wish I could lay in bed and watch tv with someone.  Something that simple would be kind of really awesome.

And I won't lie, it makes me incredibly jealous and somewhat angry at the world that he has had that opportunity practically nonstop since we split, and I haven't.  

I still miss my Zorua too.  Bah.


I just want to be important to someone.  In that romantic sense, because I know I am as a friend and as a daughter and sister.  And this goes against everything I've ever said about this subject and about how I don't need it and stuff.  I'm just lonely.

And like...

He made me feel that importance.  That I meant something to him.  That I was the most important person to walk into his life.  And then it was as though he turned around and was like "lol actually no," and even though he never said that, that was what his actions conveyed to me.

And I wonder if I ever truly was important to him.  As a person, rather than just as a force he kept around to try and make him feel better.  Because when I couldn't do that as much anymore, I was thrown out.

So...I don't think I ever really was that important.

And maybe I'm skewing this situation heavily to reinforce my own negative self-image and my negative image of him.

But right now, that is what it feels like.

And that feeling fucking sucks.