I took a nap thinking that it would help me and all it did was give me a headache and make me even more tired and sad and I'm only now just starting to cook something and I haven't eaten all day and bah.

When guy answered me about hanging out before he goes on his trip, it was pretty much a "we'll see" because he has a play and everything but it still disheartened me.  I don't know.  Really, it probably would be best if I just stopped trying to hang out with him so much.  Obviously he wouldn't miss me, since it is always me messaging him and everything.  That makes me sad, considering our history, as brief as it is.  But I guess it just reinforces my belief that I'm not really memorable or remarkable or anything.  I don't know.

I recognize this is the self-loathing and stuff that I should be trying to retrain my mind out of, but sometimes it is just easier and less exhausting to let it fester than to fight it.  And since I'm so tired, it is the path I'm taking at the moment.

Ugh I feel like all I've been doing for the past few weeks has been wallowing in depression and anger but I don't know how to get out of it, and the deeper I go, the harder it is to get out of.  I don't know.