Alright, so this first draft of the review is done, and although I still think it sucks, it will have to do for the time being.  I want to try and finish the game theory problems, and I only have three left to do, so hopefully that won't be so difficult.

My session went well today: I talked about how me going to his facebook all the time is like an addiction I can't stop, even though I want to.  I was asked what I'm looking for; why I go there.  I said it is partially because of a curiosity I can't seem to shake (and hoping I'll see some indication that he is at least a little sad even though he doesn't post anything personal on there anyway so I'm never going to see anything like that), and it is also some sort of desire...to see if the person I loved will ever return.

He's the one I miss.  The one who doesn't actually exist.  But I still sometimes hope that he will come back.  Though I remarked that I'd be even worse if he ever did come back and I noticed it.  Because that is who I loved and who I wanted to spend my time with: the version of him that exists now, I want nothing to do with.  But that version...the mask, so to say, since I loved that version so much, it would be incredibly painful for me to watch that person go off with someone else.  I don't know.

I also told her that I miss the feeling of unconditional trust that I had.  That since him there has been no one I have trusted 100%, including my close friends.  Which isn't fair on them, but I just...can't help it.  If someone who claimed to love me more than anyone he had ever met (which I suspect was also a lie) could bullshit me so thoroughly, why wouldn't anyone else?  And I recognize I should think it is because he is a piece of shit and my friends are not, but still.  I miss that feeling of trusting someone else completely.

But she did remark that all I'm doing whenever I go there is just...ripping off a scab and rubbing salt in the wound.  Which I recognize I am doing.

Bah.  I don't know.

She is happy that I'm heading home, because I need to surround myself with my family who truly love me and who will help me continue to build myself up again.  That I need to be around people who love me for me and who do not think I'm boring and who do not lie to me and who would not abandon me as he did.


I'm actually in a good mood right now (surprisingly, considering what I'm writing about here); my friends left not too long ago and we were joking around a lot today.  Example:

Me: Bros before hoes, man.  And in this case, I'm the bro, and he's the hoe.

Plus Brendan and I made a game because we were bored and it was funny to us.

I'm tired.