At times I wonder if I should just keep my mouth shut.

The professor I'm TA-ing for sent a very nasty email to us and to the professor who advises the first years because some mistakes were made in the grading and something wasn't done on time for on of us or something.  All these mistakes are really easy fixes and aren't really that big of a deal, so I didn't understand not only the nastiness (she basically heavily implied that we don't care and are lazy, essentially) but also why she felt the need to send it to Olga as well.

So I went and talked with another one of the TAs because it really upset me and I realized even more how messed up my line of thinking is.  He and one of the older students told me that I needed to calm down and see what happens and everything.  When I said that I am trying to but I can't mentally handle emails like that because I just beat myself up and feel like an awful person for mistakes that are human - something I already do to myself all the time, so I don't need someone else doing it to me also - they both told me basically that I need to accept that that's how she is and just let it go.

And I didn't know how to say doing that is harder for me than it is for them.

That inability to explain things kind of re-highlighted how fucked up I am.  Why can't I just do things that are so easy for other people to do, I don't understand.  And they don't understand, and couldn't understand exactly what I meant when I said everything, and I didn't know how to explain it without outing all the my inner problems and everything.

Realizing how messed up my mental process is (or rather...re-realizing) has me crying in the office, which is something I've always tried to avoid doing.  Luckily, no one else is here and I can only hope no one will come in.


I wish I didn't already talk to Nancy.  Though it was nice, when I did talk to her and he came up, to talk about how my expectations really weren't that high, since he had made such a big deal about how I had all these unfair expectations of him.  My expectations were just for him to be a good person and for him to continue being that sweet and truthful individual that I had met.  They weren't high at all.

I might talk more about my session later, but I'm too tired right now.


I want to crawl into bed, but I'm stuck at my desk.  I need to do work.