Kinship

I had a conversation with Anisha last night about things and how I'm feeling and how part of me doesn't completely understand why what that girl did has affected me so much, since I did not know her.  I am more affected by this death than I was when my cohort-mate was killed in a car crash, and I knew him personally.

She remarked that it is also personal.  That - though she didn't say these words exactly - I feel a sort of kinship with this person, if that is the right word to use.  The stress and the sadness and the hopelessness...she went down a route that, although I have had thoughts and ideation and fantasies, I am terrified of succumbing to.  It smacked me in the face that it is a real thing and a real possibility and it is unfortunate that I can never rule it out as something I would never try to do.  Obviously, I want nothing more than to be able to rule it out.  It is why I went to get help, why I went to therapy.  It is why I still go every week.  I recognized, when I decided I needed to go for the first time, how hopeless I felt.  That feeling that nothing is going to get better and that no one really would care all that much if I were gone.  Sure, they would in the short run, as people are prone to do, but long-term?  It wouldn't matter.

I don't think I want to die, or anything like that.  Actually, I fear it.  I am terrified of it.

But in a way, I also fear life.  I fear disappointing everyone around me and myself.  I'm horrified of the notion of failure.

I just want to stop feeling so sad all the time.  And while there are days where I believe everything will be okay and I'll be fine eventually, most days seem like I'm crawling further down a dark hole rather than up it.  I'm just exhausted, really.

I wonder if this is selfish; should I be reflecting on my own situation because of what she chose?  I feel like it is.  To that, I am sorry.


Anisha also told me I could always tell friends what is going on and they'll be there for me.  That I shouldn't assume that they're busy or just won't want to do anything with me feeling the way I feel.


And then she let me rant angrily about Game Theory, which made me feel a little bit better.

But still.


I feel like this is more morbid than I originally intended it to be.  I don't know.