Sometimes I don't like reminding people that I think differently from them.

It makes me feel self-conscious and sad and guilty.

I talked with my oldest sister about things, about how I'm feeling about the ex and everything.  While she is very pleased I'm now at the "I hate him and I'm angry" level rather than the "I miss him so much and still want to be with him so I'm going to be blind to his lies and his douchiness" level, I still don't think she understands. And she can try to.  She's been in a bad breakup before, and everything, but she doesn't...think the way I do.

She is more normal.  Healthier.

Feelings of self-hatred and perfectionism do not travel with her wherever she goes.

She was surprised when I said I only stopped talking to him in November, since she said she thought it was earlier.  I said I kept it a secret because I didn't want people to know, since they were not really helping me after a while.  She quickly countered with "well if you had listened-" and I cut her off, basically, saying that I was not in a position to listen to the advice they gave me.  And it was not for lack of trying.  I tried.  I did.  But I could not do it.  She then brought up that she knew that and knows that and that I had to do it on my own time, though I wondered if she would have said that if I didn't bring up how hard I tried to do what they all said.

And then I felt guilty because she asked me when we broke up and I said on the 29th of February of last year.  She remembered that it was right before her dress fitting, and I said, "yeah, remember how miserable I was?"  She then gave me a look, and said that she did, and that she remembered all of it.  I knew she didn't mean just the dress fitting.  That she meant the entire wedding process.  And she complained about me.  To everyone, it seems.  Or at least to enough people.

I apologized (again), and she said that it was fine now.

But I just feel that crushing guilt on top of my sadness again and I know it isn't her fault because she doesn't really understand how I think and how fucked up I truly am.  She wants to see me as the happy carefree individual little sister I once was.  (Though, truthfully, I have always thought like this.  I have on some level always hated myself and have always wished I could be better than I am.  Since elementary school, I was a perfectionist.)

I'm sorry, Dee.  I wish I could think normally, like you do.

I wish my sadness didn't hurt you, and that I was strong enough to overcome it.


I'm a burden even on those who love me.  They probably prefer it when I'm not around.