Stop

Stop, brain.  Stop these thoughts of him.  Stop these thoughts of my own perceived incompetence.  Stop.  Just stop.  I would really appreciate it.

Maybe I'm thinking of this stuff particularly because I'm by myself right now.  With the exception of the puppy, who is napping on top of the couch.  It is kind of super cute.

Or maybe I'm thinking of this stuff because of the possibility of Airband, which means we'll both be on campus and the chances of running into each other are somewhat high.  I still need to think about that.  While it could be fun, it is a risky thing to do.  Even my mom expressed serious concern about me going and seeing him and then "getting the cops involved."  She knows how I feel, and apparently that is a super legitimate thing she's concerned with.

(Also when I told her that he apparently thinks we ended okay, she rolled her eyes and laughed and said "yeah, you screaming in the middle of the night obviously means everything was okay" and agreed with me that he is completely 100% delusional when it comes to that.  I think it is most likely that he just wants to believe that everything ended all fine and fucking dandy so he blatantly ignores or makes excuses for all the shit he did.  Like lying to "protect me."  And telling everyone we broke up mutually.  All things so that he wouldn't look bad in the end.  Pathetic.)

I've said this before but I hate when sad feels override angry feels when I think about him, because it brings up a whole mess of other feelings, all of which I want to suppress and never acknowledge.  Anger is easier to deal with.

I was recently asked if closure would be good (since I never really did get it), and I said that I didn't think it would help.  Because I really do not think it would.


Parents are bringing me noms, so they should be home soon and help distract me from such thoughts.  Yay.