Dad

My dad texted me saying that I'm going on a cruise this summer and that made me happy for a little even though I was drowning in self-loathing and feelings of inadequacies due to being unable to produce a single coherent fucking sentence my god what I have written is so bad.

Then because I was feeling so down and unable to write I called him and we talked for some time.  Just about random stuff, like my taxes and the cruise and our work and everything.

At one point he said, when I told him I was happy when he told me news about the cruise that he was very glad that he made me happy, and I realize how big that is to say, since I think most times I talk to my parents, I'm sad.  Which makes sense, since that is how I feel most of the time, but they notice it and have noticed it and I wish more than anything I could be happy more often for them.

For some reason, I thought of some things that happened over a year ago.  First was before my breakup, after a very upsetting conversation with the now-ex.  It left me emotionally distraught, though I didn't say anything to anyone.  I didn't want anyone to know how upset I was.  How I felt unloved and alone despite being with someone.  But even though I didn't say anything, I guess it was obvious, because at one point my dad came up and hugged me from behind while I was cooking, and told me that he loved me.  I couldn't turn around because I knew I would cry if I did.  Second was the morning after my breakup.  I woke up at 7 or so in the morning, after maybe two hours of sleep.  I ran into the bathroom, still swearing that what happened the night before was a dream, though knowing full well that was not true.  My dad must've thought it unusual I was up so early, because he was standing outside in the hallway when I got out.  He said some joke at first, and then noticed my face.  He asked me if I was okay, and I broke down.  He didn't understand, asking me over and over what was wrong while hugging me, but I couldn't answer.  So he asked me if my ex had been hurt.  When I shook my head no, he then asked if my ex hurt me, to which I nodded.  He then hugged me tighter, and asked if my ex said he didn't want to see me anymore.  I think the harder sob that came out of me confirmed that even better than another nod would have.  He then stayed there with me until I calmed down, and told me I should try to sleep more and then we would talk about it.  The rest of the day was spent doing things with me.  Third was right after my breakup, and I was heading out somewhere (I think it might have been the Youth and Government conference).  When my dad walked me out to my car, he saw how sad I was.  That I was fighting to not cry.  He then looked at me and said "and here I thought I was your boyfriend," jokingly, in an attempt to cheer me up.  But I just started crying, and he hugged me for a long time, apologizing over and over because he didn't mean to make me cry.

And then, at my graduation...he was crying.  And I think it was more because it was the first time since my breakup I actually felt happy, and actually looked happy.  He didn't cry at either one of my sisters' graduations.

I wish I could be happy so that I wouldn't make him sad so much.

Between remembering all this, and then also remembering how my mom cried for me when she first found out about my breakup, insisting that he just made a huge mistake because of how wonderful I always was to him, and then also when she sobbed when I left for my second semester of grad school, telling me how she worries about me...I realize how much my condition has affected my parents.  And I'm hit with this weird feeling of love and warmth contrasted with this feeling of guilt.

I don't like making them sad.  Them of all people.  They don't deserve sadness.