Before I go into the details of today's adventure, I want to say this: almost my entire drive home looked like I was going at warp speed. The way the snow was coming down and passing by as I drove made it look like I punched the hyper drive. It was so cool looking. Probably should have been scarier than it was, considering it was kind of really difficult to see, but I don't know. IT WAS REALLY COOL leave me alone.
So both Steph's dress and the bridesmaids dresses were picked out, and they look fantastic! Steph looked so pretty in hers and I know she'll look even better on her wedding day! The lady helping us was a lot of fun too, and we just had an overall good time with it, which was excellent.
When I tried on a dress, I walked out and Steph said to me, "Allie you always look so good in formal wear." And I kind of blushed and said thanks because I always just think I look awkward? And while in that same dress, another woman from the party which was next to us came up to me also and said how great I looked in it. Again, I blushed and smiled and was really touched by the compliment. (That dress is the one we ended up picking for the wedding, too! It was my personal favourite; it just matches what Steph picked so well. And is so pretty!)
Although I overall had a good time, I was very tired and maybe dazed, which apparently was noticeable, since my mom came up to me by myself asking if I was okay. I told her I was just really tired, though that's normal, so I tried to tell her not to worry. Though I did also tell her about the suicide and how that was really emotionally taxing and I'm just sad because of it.
Relayed information about the nutritionist and our meeting and the plan I'm trying to stick to. They were all pleased by this.
Though, sometimes I feel...self-conscious. More around my sisters? They're all bigger than I am; I've always been the smallest one. And I know they're joking all the time and mean absolutely no harm, but sometimes when they constantly tell me I need to eat more and everything I just...feel kind of weird. Like a bad-weird. Because although I laugh and say that I know (and I do know, hence why I'm trying to do what I'm trying to do), it still...sometimes is hard. I don't really know how else to describe it. Sometimes I just don't feel hungry enough to eat. Sometimes I feel too sick or upset to eat. And sometimes I am hungry but decide not to eat anyway; I talk myself out of it. It's a mental process that they don't understand. And I know they're trying to help in the best way they know how - because we really do just joke around with each other all the time and it is awesome - but sometimes it just hits me.
Everyone tried to talk me into not going to Youth and Government this year, because of how stressed out I've been. Truthfully, I really don't want to go. I have so much work I need to get done that weekend and I'm effectively losing Friday, Saturday, and at least half of Sunday because of it. It is impossible to get work done while I'm there. And it is stressing me out even more. But dropping out a week before the conference just seems flaky and I'm afraid they'd never want me to come back if I did. I made a commitment, so I'd feel awful backing out of it.
This is a lose-lose situation, really. Because if I go, I'll be glad I didn't screw them over, but I'll be freaking out more because of my work and...well Y&G is a huge stressful weekend and I know I'll be high-strung throughout the entire thing. Plus the lack of sleep I get when I'm there doesn't help. And on top of all that, I...really really have trouble eating there. Like, I always have. For how many years I've gone (it's been a lot), I've never eaten properly while at that conference. And normally I wouldn't care as much, but since this is a big issue with me now, more than it ever has been before...I'm nervous about it. However, if I do not go, I'll kind of hate myself for not being able to handle the workload and for dropping out so soon and letting everyone down. I'll be afraid of people being angry with me, and so I'll still be stressed, just in a different way.
Yep. A lose-lose situation.
If I decide to back out, I'll have to tell the guy I was going to drive (while profusely apologizing to him as well...), and I'd tell the head of the program pretty much everything. Like...why exactly I feel like I can't go. That maybe it would be too toxic for my mental and physical health at the moment, for reasons. I don't know if he would understand, but...yeah.
I don't know what I'm going to do yet.
I wonder if I should warn the guy I'm supposed to drive, at least...just in case.
Bah. Tired.
But still happy I got to see my family. They always help cheer me up, overall.
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